Think back to the first time you had sex…who was it with? Where was it? How did you feel before, during and after? And what effects do you think your first time may have had on your subsequent sexual experiences?
Whether it was in the back of a car with a complete stranger or in your parents’ basement with your high school sweetheart, many people consider their virginity loss to be one of the most memorable moments of their life. The way that we make sense of this experience can have profound effects on our identity. For some, virginity loss marks the transition from adolescence to adulthood, while for others it might have deepened their relationship with their partner.
Sex changes people. It changes the way we relate to each other, our bodies and the world. Your gender has a huge impact on how first sex is experienced, specifically because of differences in gender socialization.
What messages about sex did you hear growing up? How did culture influence this? In many cultures, sex is still taboo and therefore parents are often uncomfortable discussing this (check out Dr. Laurie Betito’s article on sex education). So the question is, why are we so fearful of sexually mature girls and women—who know what they want, sexually, and know how to ask for it? And how does this relate to old world ideas about women in general?
The sexual double standard in our society dictates that there is a different set of social rules for men and women. Men are encouraged to explore their sexuality and their sexual conquests are viewed as a sign of status and masculinity. On the other hand, women are discouraged from sexual exploration and cultivating multiple sexual partners, for fear of being labeled as a “slut.”
The sexual oppression of women date long before our current society. Even today, women are subjected to honor killings if they are “perceived” to be a non-virgin on their wedding day. The lack of understanding of the female body is not only relevant for girls and women themselves but also for their partners, medical professionals and our culture. The myth that virgins bleed and that the hymen breaks after first intercourse has been debunked, albeit quietly (check out this Ted Talk video about virginity myths). More accurately, the appearance of blood at first intercourse and the appearance of the hymen differ greatly from one woman to the next. Therefore, it is almost impossible to know with certainty that a woman is a virgin, and the presence of blood and an intact hymen are not scientifically accurate indicators.
So what impact does the sexual double standard have on our first sexual experiences?
The negative and potentially shameful messages about sexuality that we learn in our childhood leads to young teens knowing very little of their bodies and pleasure, girls in particular. For example, many women don’t start masturbating until their early 20’s, long after they’ve had sex for the first time.
Consider this study by Leitenberg, Detzer and Srebnik (1993), who sought to examine gender differences in masturbation in adolescence. The survey from a sample of University students from 1988 indicated that nearly twice as many men as women reported ever having masturbated. Of those men and women who did masturbate, the men reported masturbating younger and close to three times more often than the women. This demonstrates that masturbating is still considered taboo for women.
The sexual double standard also dictates that men and women assign different meaning to their virginity loss experiences, which ultimately influences their first time. Carpenter (2003) discovered that men and women assigned different meaning to their virginity loss experiences, depending on whether they viewed virginity loss as a gift, as a stigma or as a step in the process of growing up. These scripts influence how virginity loss is experienced and are greatly impacted by gender.
Therefore, virginity loss experiences differ from boys and girls in the sense of pleasure and positive emotions derived from this experience, through the meaning they derive from it. Whereas most boys feel a sense of pride and elation upon virginity loss, girls often feel a sense of confusion and worry, and often pain. (Even the responsibility of pregnancy and STI prevention often fall on the girl, but that is another story for another time.)
So, what’s the best way to know if a woman is a virgin? Ask her.
But more importantly, why does it matter?
If you are planning on having sex for the first time, consider that gender differences will influence your and your partner’s experience. Many women feel a lack of agency in regards to their sexuality (see this article on sexual agency).
If your sexual partner is a woman, discuss what she wants to take away from this experience. Clarifying goals and expectations can really improve a woman’s comfort level during her first time. And if you’re a woman who is about to have sex for the first time, communicate what you want and what you like, sexually—if you know. Sexual communication can really enhance sexual experiences for both partners.