For many people the idea of talking about sexual health and pleasure with a new partner might make them feel awkward and want to shy away from the conversation. When is the best time to even have the conversation. How do you even initiate a conversation about what you’re into sexually? How do you ask for and share your STI status without killing the mood?
Unfortunately, a talk about sexual health with potential partners goes untouched much of the time. It’s so wild to think about the amount of hookups I had in my early 20s where neither of us brought up a conversation about sexual health and barrier methods before engaging in spicy activities. This holds true for many of us–unfortunately most of us are not being safe sluts. This can be attributed to not wanting to ruin the mood or thinking that it will “make it awkward.” If people are asking the sexual health question, it’s usually just the typical “you clean?” in the heat of the moment (while we’re learning to have these conversations let’s also learn to do away with stigmatizing language such as saying “clean” when referring to an STI status). The “are you clean” question doesn’t make me feel very safe either. So how do we create a safe space and then initiate and/or navigate an open and comfortable conversation about pleasure and health?!
As someone who lives with an incurable STI, I now have to have conversations about sexual health early on in a relationship so that I can disclose my herpes status and receive informed consent. This might seem scary, but actually works out in my favor. It opens the door for a conversation about sex and pleasure and safety. It’s also really telling of the other person’s character after I disclose. If they respond negatively, are weirded out that I’m asking about their sexual health, have never been tested, etc. then that is not someone I want to fuck! I use these conversations as a litmus test. I can guarantee that having conversations like this will help you find better partners! It’ll weed out people who aren’t open minded, don’t care about your pleasure, can’t communicate, etc. very early on in a relationship.
Talking about sexual health and consent might not seem sexy, but it is very sexy to me. It helps build trust and shows good communication skills, which leads to better sex! I think that’s pretty hot! Do not wait until you have an STI to have a conversation about sexual health!
There’s really no exact right time to have the conversation–you don’t want to come across as presumptuous, but once you know sex is on the table–that’s a good time to do it! I think it’s best to do it before clothes come off so you’re not taken over by the passion of the moment and both of you can make clear headed decisions and give full consent.
It doesn’t have to be this big scary conversation. Whether you’re STI negative or positive, everyone should be having sexual health conversations—and it doesn’t have to be big. It can be done in person, on the phone, through text, etc. — anywhere that makes you feel safe and comfortable.
It can even be as simple as, “hey I would love to chat about our sexual health before you rail me” (I like to keep it fun and slutty) or, “I’m really excited to get it on with you, but would love to talk about what we can do to keep each other safe before we do that.” It shows you care about them and their health and are excited to get it on. If you have an STI and you’re nervous about disclosing–don’t look at it as this big scary disclosure. You’re simply having an open conversation about sexual health. Their sexual health status is just as important! To start the sex and pleasure conversation I always ask the other person when they were tested last. A simple, “hey when were you last tested and what did those results look like?” is also sufficient. It takes the pressure off of me for a bit, and also will be really telling on how they respond and talk about sexual health. I’ll respond with my status and most recent test results – “I was tested XYZ and tested negative. I do have HSV2, do you know what that is?” Then I leave it open for an open conversation, any questions, and a talk on how to proceed about barrier methods.
Chatting about sexual health is not only imperative–it’s also an easy way to initiate a conversation about what you like. Now that you both shared your STI statuses and feel safe, you can start being slutty! A talk about what we’re both into also shows the other person is genuinely interested in my pleasure–which is a non negotiable!
Just asking what the other person likes is easy and simple! I would just try to do it before any spicy activities are happening–if you’re like me, the general “what do you like” question right in the heat of the moment always makes me feel rushed, on the spot, and unsure where to begin–there’s so many things so I end up freezing up. How can I confine it all to a small sentence as it’s currently happening?
Obviously “what do you like?” is a good start, but let’s get into the nitty gritty of it all. Some questions and ideas:
- Do you have a yes and no list?
- How do you like to be touched, or would you rather show me?
- Do you like xyz? Ex. rough sex, choking, slapping, etc.
- Is there anything you want to try?
- Do you have any kinks you’re really into?
- Where do you like to be touched/kissed/spanked/etc?
- Do you like to be more dominant or submissive?
- What positions feel the best for you?
Obviously, this is not a full list, so feel free to ask anything else that comes to mind. To take it a step further and have some fun, take the BDSM quiz together and compare results!
This also leads into the consent discussion. Don’t ever forget about consent! A conversation about what you’re into and also talking about a “no” list is a great way to get verbal consent.
Asking for consent before as well as doing check-ins during sex is extremely hot and makes people more comfortable.
Bonus points: check in after to talk about what you both really enjoyed! Even just a “it was really hot when you did this thing” is perfect.
I can guarantee having these conversations will lead to better sex and better partners. For more, Dr Evelyn Dacker has a ton of information and workshops about navigating these sexual health and pleasure conversions using her STARS method.