Who’s On Top
Q: Whenever I’ve had sex, most of the time the guy has been on top and I’ve been on the bottom. As a result, they put in most of what I would call the physical part. It’s not like I’m not enthusiastic, and I do work too. I move around, thrust my hips, touch him, stuff like that. But I always see guys on the internet who complain about always being on top and doing all the work.
I put in a lot of effort to my appearance and to foreplay, but since the guy on top tends to do a lot of the physical effort, I’m wondering if this is actually a common complaint or just a small majority making all the noise. No one has ever said anything to me personally, but now I’m wondering if I should switch things up.
A: What you are describing is the classic missionary position. This is the most popular position around the world, practiced by many, many people. However, whatever positions people have sex in is a matter of personal preference. The partner who is on the bottom cannot move around as much as the partner on top (so if it is female on top, the guy on the bottom is more restricted in his movements too). The activities and positions we choose should be discussed within the couple. We all have our preferences, and some positions feel better than others depending on individual differences.
It sounds like you demonstrate plenty of enthusiasm so I wouldn’t worry about it unless your own partner is asking for something different. Mostly the complaints I hear from men is when their partner acts like a “starfish” and act as simple receptacles. This is not your case. Nonetheless, exploring different positions could be a lot of fun too.
Getting Even
Q: I feel guilty for even asking this, but there’s a problem in my relationship that’s been bugging me for a while. I don’t want to micromanage our relationship, but I feel like I put a lot in and I don’t get a lot back from my girlfriend. This includes sex.
She wants massages and oral and when we have sex and she finishes first, she asks me to stop and finish myself off…in another room. She hasn’t gone down on me in months and she doesn’t really contribute anything to foreplay.
This extends to the rest of the relationship as well. I buy her gifts and plan dates and make dinner, but she doesn’t do any of those things for me. She still says she loves me, but that’s about it. I know her last relationship wasn’t like this and the roles were reversed. I really don’t know what to do in this situation. It makes me feel like crap.
A: You should not feel guilty for expressing your feelings. It sounds like the relationship does not seem even to you, and makes you feel taken advantage of. Have you tried talking to your partner about how you feel? Sex should not be a one-way street. It should feel like a give and take. It’s the same for the rest of the relationship. Having said this, we all have our own language of love, and thus, gift giving may not be hers (it’s obviously yours). Are there other ways she expresses her love? Does she value quality time with you? Does she use words of affirmation, telling you how special you are to her in words? Is she affectionate? Bottom line: you need to have a heart to heart with her and share how you have been feeling. Do this using “I” language (ex: “I feel…..”) rather than criticism or accusations.