Wanting More
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly a decade and we’re in our mid-30s. In the last couple of years, our sex life has really fallen off and we don’t have sex as much as we used to. On top of that, it’s all quite vanilla, and she makes it feel like it’s a chore for her, or like she’s doing me a favor. She doesn’t like oral, giving or receiving, and is only interested in having sex in a couple positions. When this first started happening, I’d bring it up and she’d agree with me that we needed to put more effort into trying new things. But now, whenever I bring it up, she acts like it’s a bargaining chip for what she wants, which is to have a baby. I understand why she wants to have one, considering our age, but promises that she’ll want to have sex with me more if I have a baby with her immediately feel very manipulative.
It’s like I want to solve the problems in our relationship before I take that step but she only wants to solve them if we take that step first. What can I do?
A: There’s lots going on here that cannot be solved in this format. Having a baby to solve your sexual problems is unlikely to be successful. After having kids, there is much more stress, and fatigue, and less interest in sex, which is understandable. It is also normal that sexual activity/frequency does not stay constant throughout the lifecycle of the relationship. You both need a complete assessment to determine what is going on, and to arrive at a compromise. The questions I would ask are things like; What has changed for her? Is she feeling resentment? Does she have anxieties about her sexuality? Does she enjoy sex when it happens? Does she have sensory issues? Does she have particular hang-ups, and where do they come from? What does she need to be more open to sexually? So I strongly recommend that you seek professional help together.
Bringing The Romance Back
Q: My wife and I have been together for nearly two decades. We definitely had some rough periods and have been working through a dry spell over the past year. Our sex life is finally back at a place that makes the both of us happy in terms of frequency, passion, etc. But our relationship has for sure suffered in the romance department.
We’re either in best-friends-who-live-together mode, or sex mode, with no in-between. I would really like to bring this part of our relationship back—the part where we can’t keep our hands or lips off each other, and where I can tell that I give her butterflies in her stomach. For a long time I’ve wondered if that stage of life is just over—whether that’s something that you can have when you first start dating, but never again. What do you think?
A: That butterflies in your stomach/can’t keep our hands off each other phase describes New Relationship Energy when we experience an intense and exhilarating state at the beginning of a new relationship. This is what “falling in love” feels like, but is actually more driven by excitement and lust and the beginnings of a deep emotional and physical connection. Trying to get that feeling back is unrealistic, as this fades with time and is replaced by a deepening bond of love. It’s wonderful that the two of you are maintaining an active sex life and are also best friends! Romance is something that you have to work at. Often, when we have been together a long time, we stop making those efforts to seduce our partner. It’s important to put romance on your radar. Try doing things like planning a weekend away, organizing a couple’s spa day, preparing a candle light dinner, playing a sexy board game, etc.