Getting Past It
Q: I’m in my early 20s and I’m still a virgin. I’ve started going out and meeting more women, but I have a problem making a move. I’ll talk to girls in the club or dance with them (at a distance…) but I find myself totally unable to touch them, even if they seem to want me to. Like, a girl will grab my hand and put it on her waist but I freeze and let it drop.
My mom taught me about consent and never to touch a woman without it, and I really took that seriously—but now, even with consent, I just can’t do it. I don’t know how to get past this mental block. Girls do flirt with me, but they lose interest when I don’t make a move. Will I be stuck in this loop forever?
A: First of all, I think it’s great that you are keeping the issue of consent on your radar and I can understand why you may be uncomfortable in touch situations. You need to build some comfort around physical touch. This is done gradually. Start practicing with family and friends through hugs, handshakes, a kiss on the cheek. You can still keep consent as part of the exchange by asking the person, for example, “May I give you a hug?” The goal here is to make you more comfortable with touch.
Never be afraid to ask about someone’s boundaries by asking them if it’s okay to hug, kiss, put your arm around, hold hands, etc. This will make the other person feel more comfortable. Initiating or responding to physical touch is not instinctive or feels natural for everyone. Some people have to learn it, and one way to learn is to observe others in social situations.
I would recommend that you speak to a therapist to figure out the root of your discomfort. Working with a dating coach might also be helpful, to figure out the “rules” of dating and help you practice how to approach women, how to engage in conversations, and how to demonstrate your interest in a way that respects the other person’s space, autonomy, etc.
Sex Toys For Men
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I just turned 21 and I’m a virgin. I’m not really ready to date or try to have sex with a woman at the moment for a variety of reasons. I’m pretty shy and I have trouble connecting with people I meet. I was thinking about getting a sex toy so I could learn more about what sex feels like—but I’m not sure if that’s a normal thing.
Is it weird to get a sex toy as a straight guy? Which one would be a good simulator for what real sex feels like?
A: Rest assured that this is perfectly normal for all men, gay or straight. There are different kinds of sex toys for men. The most popular are known as sleeves or strokers, or fleshlights, where you insert your penis and it simulates a vagina or an anus. Some look like vulvas or anuses, and others just look like cylinders. They are often textured and come in different sizes. Many men also enjoy prostate massagers which are inserted anally and can also produce intense orgasms. Having said all this, real sex is quite different because it involves being with the whole body and it is interactive—it’s not just about genital pleasure. I would recommend you get some coaching to help you connect with people and develop relationships.