Sex After A Toxic Relationship
Q: My last long-term relationship was with a person who could be very manipulative and narcissistic. They had really bad mood swings and I think a lot of the time I used sex, which was at one point a good part of the relationship, to placate them or distract them from berating me or picking fights with me. As a result, I got a lot less pleasure out of sex and it started to feel like something that’s just a bargaining chip.
Though we’re broken up, I still find myself thinking of sex this way—and since I’m dating new people and things are good, I’m simply not feeling like sex is part of the equation. How do I change my mindset about this?
A: I’m so sorry you had to go through such an abusive relationship. It sounds like you got used to using sex as a protective tactic for yourself. This tells me that you had a lot of sex with very little intimacy. It can make a person feel used. This is not healthy sexuality in a relationship. Going forward, I wouldn’t rush into sex. Rather, I would start by developing intimacy/connection/closeness with a partner. Sex will then enhance that intimacy. In time, your mindset will change.
Dropping Hints
Q: I definitely have a divide with my partner when it comes to libido. They are happy only having sex once every few months, but I’d like to be intimate more often. We’ve talked about it and they said they’d be happy doing it more often, so I thought that was that. But whenever I drop hints that I want to have sex, or use a little innuendo, they gloss over it, even in the weeks following that big conversation. I can’t tell if they’re doing it on purpose or just not understanding, but it’s making me feel rejected. How do I get them to understand I meant what I said?
A: It’s quite common for two people to have a desire discrepancy. This does not mean they are less attracted to you or that they don’t enjoy sex. It just indicates that they may have less spontaneous desire (feeling horny), but that their responsive desire is there. This means that once they get going, they get into it and enjoy the experience. For such couples, I tend to recommend that you schedule sex. Put aside one set time a week for intimacy. Tell your partner that you miss the intimacy and that you want to keep this as a regular thing because it helps you feel connected and close. If they resist, it might be time to seek couple’s therapy and have an expert intervene to help you navigate this aspect of your relationship.