Sex (Over)Drive
Q: As you can imagine, I’ve spent more time at home with my family than ever in the past year. This has affected my marriage in a lot of ways, good and bad. We’re closer than ever. I am hornier than ever. She is not. I know that part of it is that she’s tired and stressed, but even when we managed to leave the kids with the grandparents and get away for a few days, she had trouble getting horny. We’re kind of at that make or break age, where I’ve had some friends say that after a certain age, sex got even better and more intense with their wives, whereas other friends complained that the well dried up completely.
Anyway, you can imagine that I’d like to steer us on a course toward the former, not the latter. How can I do this?
A: First you need to understand how desire, horniness works for many women in long-term relationships. They may lose their “horniness” or spontaneous desire for sex, but it doesn’t mean they are completely uninterested. Usually, women remain responsive. When stimulated physically, often their desire kicks in. She just needs to say YES to sex more often. However, it’s also not that simple. There are many factors that affect one’s desire for sex (the biggest killers are stress and resentment). So first we need to evaluate what your wife needs to feel relaxed and hence more open to sex. Please view this TEDx talk I did on the subject.