Sex Therapy
Q: I have a pretty normal sex life. I’ve had good relationships and I’ve enjoyed sex, and oral sex, and even anal sex once or twice. I want to make my partner happy and I’ve rarely had trouble reaching orgasm, either by myself or with a girlfriend.
But I have some underlying issues that I think I might need to address with a sex therapist. It’s stuff like kissing and touching. It’s fine if it’s brief but sometimes it makes my skin crawl and I don’t know why. I’ve tried to just get over it and do it but my reaction is so strong and visceral sometimes I can’t ignore it.
I think it has something to do with the sexual trauma I experienced growing up. I didn’t realize it until recently. The next logical step seems to be seeing a sex therapist, but I’m kind of skeptical about how it would work. What if they just want me to talk about what I went through and even more bad feelings come up? How do I find a good one who can actually help me? What does a session actually look like—what kind of things will they want to know? Thanks in advance.
A: It’s very possible/probable that your history of sexual trauma has impacted you in the bedroom. It’s important not to ignore it, as healing from past trauma does require you delving into the past. You don’t actually need a sex therapist. A psychologist or therapist who works with sexual trauma would be able to help you. Therapy sessions generally involve talking things through in a safe environment with a professional who is non-judgmental. They will help you navigate the negative feelings that arise and give you some helpful coping strategies. To find a therapist in your area, look up the licensing board of psychologists or social workers and they usually have a listing of therapists with their area of expertise listed. A first session will involve the therapist getting to know you and the problem that you want help with, so lots of questions about your present situation and your past may be asked.
Getting Ready For the Action
Q: I might be acting picky, but I was wondering if you had any tips for getting hard without physical touch. When I was younger, I would get an erection at the drop of a hat. Of course, this posed its problems, but when I was actually in situations where I was gonna have sex, it was great to arrive “prepared,” as it were, when I took my clothes off.
Now, I usually have to stroke myself a little to get hard before I have sex, which kind of makes a pause in the “action.” I’d like for things to go more smoothly, like they used to, before they go even more downhill as I inevitably age. I think I masturbate a pretty normal amount, no death grip, etc. Any tips to make sure I’m able when I’m already ready and willing?
A: I’m not sure how old you are, but I can tell you that as men age, they need more than just a thought or an image to get hard. Oftentimes, direct physical contact is required. When we are younger, we may respond like an on/off switch and as we get older we are more like a dimmer switch. What’s wrong with engaging in some foreplay to get things going?? Let go of these expectations you have and be more realistic about the bodily changes, and then adapt to them. If you want to read up on sex and aging, pick up my book The Sex Bible for People Over 50.