Sharing The Details Of An Affair
Q: It seems that the conventional wisdom is that when an extramarital affair is revealed, if there can be any hope of reconciliation, the spouse who had the affair should answer all the questions that the betrayed partner has. The exception would be questions about sexual details such as positions, specific sex acts, etc., because, depending on what those detailed answers include, they could leave a permanent visual image in the mind of the betrayed partner, and in general, not be useful in their attempt to recreate a partnership.
It occurs to me, though, that if the cheating partner had a specific type of sex with his or her affair partner, that he or she consistently refused to have with the betrayed partner, then that’s an important data point that needs to be explored.
The betrayed partner may want to know:
“Why did you let Person X do that with you, when you’ve always refused to do that with me even though you know how much it would mean to me?”
I think it’s a legitimate question, which, if answered honestly, could reveal a lot about how the cheating partner feels about the betrayed partner. Is the betrayed partner disgusting in some way that the affair partner isn’t?
Is the betrayed partner not enough? Is he or she “less than” the affair partner?
If the cheating partner continues to find the thought of participating in that same sex act with the betrayed partner unacceptable, is the relationship really worth saving?
What are your thoughts?
A: The decision about what information to share after an extramarital affair is a complex one and should be based on the needs of both partners. It’s important for both partners to feel heard and understood, and for the betrayed partner to have their questions answered to the extent that they need to feel some sense of closure and healing.
Regarding the question of sexual details, it’s true that some specific information may be more harmful than helpful in the long run. However, it’s important for the cheating partner to be transparent and honest about any patterns of behavior or preferences that may have contributed to the affair, including sexual preferences or desires that were not shared with the betrayed partner.
If the cheating partner had specific sexual experiences with the affair partner that they consistently refused to have with the betrayed partner, it’s important to explore why that was the case. Was it a matter of personal preference or desire, or was there something about the betrayed partner that made the cheating partner feel uncomfortable or unable to engage in that behavior?
Answering these types of questions honestly and openly can help both partners to understand the underlying issues that contributed to the affair, and can provide a starting point for rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship. However, it’s important to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion, and to be mindful of the potential emotional impact on both partners.