Saying No To A Fantasy
Q: My husband and I have been in a committed relationship for seven years, and we have children together. Lately, he’s been frequently discussing the idea of threesomes. Beyond just a one-time experience, he talks about me inviting a friend to join us and then having her move in with us permanently.
He’s expressed fantasies in the past about cohabiting with two women and being sexually involved with both. I can’t help but wonder if this is a common fantasy? His suggestions make me feel insecure, and they’re negatively impacting my desire for sexual intimacy and my overall libido.
While I understand that everyone has fantasies, his persistence makes me feel like he’s trying to peel back my boundaries to get me to consent, leaving me with the unsettling feeling of not being sufficient for him. This emotional turmoil is affecting my interest in being intimate with him.
A: It is perfectly understandable how this situation is making you feel insecure and is affecting your intimacy, especially if you feel your partner is pressuring you to do something you are not so comfortable with. You must know your own boundaries. If this is not something you want to explore at all, then shut it down. Ask yourself if you are okay with an actual threesome, with polyamory, with a throuple, or with just discussing the fantasy in bed. Once you know, set your boundary with your husband. The threesome fantasy is in fact a very common one, especially for men. This is not about whether he finds you less attractive, or that you are not enough for him. This is most likely about him wanting variety or a new experience.
However, the bottom line is that no one should ever feel pressured to do something they are not comfortable with, and a respectful, loving partner should absolutely respect your boundaries.
Putting On The Brakes
Q: My boyfriend began to ask for anal sex about a year ago. I’d never done it before, because I was never really interested, but eventually I relented and we did it. We took all the advice we found online to go slowly and gently and use lots of lube, and although I can see why other people like it, I ultimately didn’t get anything out of it. But on the same hand, I also didn’t hate it.
As a result, we’ve had anal sex a handful of times since then. Even though my boyfriend is careful and gentle, I’m still just not into it—but now that we’ve done it a bunch of times, it also feels like it’s now part of our sexual repertoire, and I decided that I don’t want it to be anymore. I feel bad telling him though—like since I let it happen so many times already, I’m just being mean. But I am starting to dread having sex in case he asks for it. How do I stop doing something when I’ve previously consented to doing it?
A: You are not being mean by refusing to engage in any particular sexual activity! It’s perfectly normal for our sexual wants and needs to change with time. In your case, you were engaging in an activity that you did not get pleasure out of. Sex should be for both of you to enjoy. Would your partner really want you to do something you no longer felt comfortable with? If you don’t set your boundaries now, you will just end up avoiding sex altogether and this will damage your relationship. Please have an honest discussion with him about what you want/need.