Losing Erection And Inability To Orgasm With Intercourse
Q: I am attracted to my girlfriend very much. And we have sex very often. But, more often than not, I am not able to cum while having intercourse. It seems right before I cum, my dick will go soft on us. This is a cause of doubt for her, stress for us both, and just a mystery for me because I’ve never been able to find the courage to tell anyone about this till now. We have been together for just a few months and we can talk about anything, unlike anyone I’ve ever been with. She’s very special to me and I have been wondering how long I should wait to propose. As you can imagine she has doubts about my being turned on by her, due to my inability to have an orgasm from intercourse. This has been going on for most of my life, off and on. I’m 48 years old and in better than average health. I have been getting Viagra now and then from a friend. It helps, but I still don’t cum during intercourse. Can you help?
A: So first of all, let me reassure you and your girlfriend that this has nothing to do with your attraction for her or how turned on you are. Believe it or not, this is quite common and most likely related to performance anxiety. If it had just started, I might have chalked it up to age-related changes, but you say that this has been going on most of your life. This leads me to believe that there must be a lot that goes on in your brain and that you are thinking too much during sex and not focused enough on your sensations. Guys will often put a lot of pressure on themselves to be great in bed, especially when they really care about someone. My best advice is for you (and her) to stop expecting it to work perfectly. The less you think about it, the better it will be. I recommend you take a break from having intercourse and focus instead on all other kinds of pleasure. If you are able to maintain the erection and come in some other way, then we know there is nothing wrong with you mechanically. Another hypothesis is that intercourse doesn’t offer you the stimulation you are used to in order to get to orgasm. Maybe you need more direct stimulation (a tighter squeeze around the penis). Ask her to squeeze her vagina around your penis when it is fully in (not when you are going in and out as I don’t want you to try to go in if the opening is tense as you might hurt yourself). Please check out our blog posts on this subject. As for asking her to marry you, you are the only one that knows when the time is right. However, it takes about six months to get to know someone and learn how they are in different situations (with friends, family, how they treat others, etc).