Getting Over The Past
Q: My girlfriend and I took a break over the summer to work through some issues and got back together in September. We agreed not to talk about what each of us had done while we were apart, but last week we got a little drunk one night and she confessed that she slept with someone during that time. I wasn’t with anyone, which was my choice.
I can’t really blame her—but ever since then, I’ve found it hard to have sex with her, knowing that she was with someone else. It’s like I have a mental block, and she can tell. I want to continue the relationship and I think our time apart really helped us with the issues we were having previously. But this has really thrown a wrench in the works. How do you get over something that’s pretty much entirely in your own head?
A: I’m glad you understand that this is in your head and that she didn’t betray you. To move on from this, you will have to forgive her. Remember that she now chooses to be with you. Clearly this casual encounter she had didn’t mean much to her, and maybe helped her realize that she really only wants to be with you. Sometimes the angle at which we look at things can really change our perspective. Maybe talking it out with her without blame is a good place to start. When she tells you it meant nothing, please believe her. You might want to talk to someone to help you deal with your own insecurities. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to the other guy? Are you afraid that she will leave you for someone else? Keep in mind that most of us have pasts, and these pasts have nothing to do with the present.
Nostalgia After A Break Up
Q: Hi Dr Laurie, I recently had a breakup with a lady that I had been dating for a year, but I find it difficult to move on. When she is away from me, I want her, but when she is beside me, I don’t have that feeling of attachment. Should I let it slide and look for a different partner or go talk things out with her?
A: I assume that you are a young man, possibly with little experience in relationships. Break ups can certainly be painful and confusing. Sometimes, when we are away from our ex, we get nostalgic and only think about the good things. However, it is important that you remind yourself of the reasons why you are no longer together, including the fact that you don’t feel an emotional attachment when you are with her. Let’s say you decide to talk things out with her, what issues would you be trying to solve? If the issue is lack of emotional attachment then talking things out may not make a difference. However, if there are issues that lead to the detachment, and you both feel there is enough love there to try and work through it, then I recommend you go into couple’s therapy to try and figure it all out.