Thinking About Straying
Q: My sexual relationship with my wife isn’t what it once was. We rarely have sex and there’s next to no affection in the relationship—on her part. She claims that there’s no problem and she does want to go to therapy. However, I know what I need, and that’s sex and affection. To add another “however” to that, I am not willing to end our marriage. She’s my wife, and I will be with her for the rest of my life, no ifs, ands, or buts.
For this reason, I’m considering going to see a sex worker to fulfill my needs for sex and affection, but I’m wrestling with the decision. On one hand, I know she’d be hurt if she knew. On the other hand…she doesn’t need to know, and I feel like I need this outlet and affection to stay sane. Is it wrong to do it if I really feel like it’s saving my marriage?
A: You are right in that sex workers are wonderful to help fulfill certain needs that are going unmet but I don’t like the idea of doing this behind your partner’s back as you made a commitment of fidelity to her – so this would ideally be done with her awareness and consent. I much prefer the approach of getting help and getting to the bottom of why things have changed. I help couples every day rekindle their marriages. But first, we have to figure out why your wife is less affectionate toward you and why her desire has diminished. It’s not just about your needs. What about her needs? Her needs may be different from yours, but just as important. You need to find out what her needs are so that you can respond to them and maybe then she will feel warmer toward you and far more open to sexuality with you. I can tell you that for many couples with this problem, the issue is a symptom of some other issue (s) in the relationship. On another note, don’t be so sure you will never be caught. And if you are, that very well may end your marriage. So please reconsider this strategy.
Shame About Fantasies
Q: I have never told my boyfriend that I have in fact fantasized about being in a threesome with him and another male. I would never be able to actually fulfill this scenario, and I’m too embarrassed to even tell him I think about it when we have sex! Is there something wrong with me??
A: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! It is perfectly natural to fantasize during sex and during masturbation. A fantasy does not indicate that you would want to do something in real life. For others, a fantasy is a way of “trying on” something that they think they might like to do. You also are under no obligation to share your fantasies with your partner. They can remain as private thoughts unless you both decide to share your fantasies with each other. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about!