Letting Them Down Gently
Q: I am pretty mindful of other people’s feelings, and I have trouble letting people down. But when it comes to sex, I know that no means no, and my partners have been good at taking no for an answer. At the same time, whether it was someone I was dating seriously, or just fooling around with, I could tell that they took the “no” as a big blow to the ego. I know how much things like that can hurt and build up over time. Is there a good way to let someone down gently when, for whatever reason, sex isn’t on the table? I don’t want to just lie and say “I’m on my period.” Thanks in advance!
A: When it comes to sex and consent, you need to be firm. Having boundaries is healthy. Many women submit to sex (which is not the same as consent) because they don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, or the person asking for sex is using guilt or other pressure tactics to get you to submit (to say YES). Letting someone know that you are simply not ready is perfectly fine. You tell them that this is about you NOT them. If their ego is bruised, that is not your problem. Frankly, I question the guys that take this as a big blow. Rejecting sex is not the same as rejecting the person. There could be many reasons why someone doesn’t want or is not ready for sex. On the other hand, maybe we need to get better at explaining that. And if they still don’t get it, maybe you need to rethink the relationship.
Getting Over Bedroom Anxiety
Q: Now that my social life is getting back to somewhat-normal post-Covid, I am slowly getting back into the dating scene. I’m a pretty confident guy but the last few times that I’ve hooked up with someone (okay, two different women), I’ve had some issues with performance anxiety. I just get way too in my head and it winds up being a disappointing experience for everyone involved. Are there some tricks I can use to keep my head in the game? Do I need full-on therapy or something? Please let me know.
A: You are so not alone! This is the most common problem I see in my practice. Be patient with yourself, as it may take a bit of time getting into the swing of things again after a 2+ year hiatus. Unfortunately, performance anxiety is a vicious cycle. It’s normal for guys to feel nervous (especially if it’s been a while or they are with a new partner) and lose their erections, or have trouble getting it up. The problem is that the next time they go to have sex, they start to worry: “what if I lose my erection?” “what if I can’t get it up?” “what’s my partner going to say/thing?” and on and on with worrying thoughts. When your brain is full of these thoughts, it throws you into a state of anxiety/stress, which increases your cortisol levels, which then triggers the flight or fight response (whereby your blood flows to your lungs and limbs and away from your penis). The result is Erectile problems. The “cure” is to get out of your head and into your body. This means focussing on sensations rather than on the chatter in your brain. It also helps to discuss this with your partner ahead of the sex—letting them know that this happens to you sometimes because it’s been a while and it takes you a few times with a partner to just feel at ease. This way, they won’t worry that it’s about them or your attraction to them.