Still A Virgin At 36
Q: Dear Dr. Laurie, I really need your help. I’m 36 years old and still a virgin and I really want to lose my virginity. I’m still single and have no girlfriend. Please help.
A: I understand that you are feeling a strong desire to lose your virginity and that you’re currently single without a girlfriend. It’s important to approach this situation with patience and understanding. Here’s a bit of advice for you:
- Instead of only focusing on losing your virginity, shift your focus to personal growth and development. Do things that bring you joy and pleasure, explore or find some interests/hobbies, and this will help build your confidence. Developing a fulfilling and well-rounded life can make you more attractive to potential partners.
- Expand your social network. This means making an effort to meet new people by engaging in social activities, joining clubs, hobby groups, or even online dating platforms.
- When interacting with others, focus on building meaningful connections rather than solely pursuing a sexual relationship. Taking the time to get to know someone on a deeper level can lead to more fulfilling and intimate connections.
- Consider consulting with a dating coach. Such a coach can help you figure out what is blocking you, what you may be doing or not doing on dates that are hurting your chances, and can even help you create a dating profile.
Remember, everyone’s journey is unique and there is no set timeline for losing your virginity or finding a partner. Focus on personal growth, building meaningful connections, and being patient as you navigate your own path.
Virgin Shame
Q: Hello Dr. Laurie, right now I am currently a 22-year-old virgin. I feel like there is a lot of pressure and demand for guys to lose their virginity in order to “become a man.” I don’t necessarily agree with that statement, however I do feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am a virgin at my age. Are there psychological barriers or mechanism that prevents one from having a healthy sexual life? How can I view and accept myself as I am, if I feel an incredible amount of shame in being a virgin which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where I don’t do anything about it because I feel ashamed to be one.
A: It’s important to recognize that societal expectations and pressures around virginity can be challenging and can impact individuals differently. It’s completely normal to have varying experiences when it comes to sexual activity and relationships. We all have our own unique journey and there is no right or wrong timeline for these experiences. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed about being a virgin at your age is understandable given the cultural and societal messages surrounding this topic.
However, it’s important to work on embracing and accepting yourself as you are, rather than letting shame dictate your actions or self-perception.
Here are a few things for you to think about:
- Recognize that societal expectations around virginity are arbitrary and do not define your worth or masculinity. Take a critical look at these norms and challenge them.
- Understand that your value as an individual is not determined by your sexual experiences or lack thereof. Be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Everyone’s journey is different and there is no timeline or “correct” path when it comes to sexual experiences. Treat yourself with the same empathy and understanding you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.
- Focus on personal growth rather than fixating on societal expectations. Do things that bring you joy and invest time in building fulfilling relationships and connections outside of sexual experiences.
- If you continue to have feelings of shame or embarrassment, consider seeing a psychologist or sex therapist. A mental health professional can help you navigate these emotions and help you with self-acceptance.
Remember that you have the right to decide when and with whom you engage in sexual activity. Don’t let external pressures or expectations dictate your choices.