You know the type. They state it right off the bat, usually in the first line of their online profile: «I am a serious player»; «I am a lifestyle kinkster»; «Looking for a total slave»; «I seek a 24/7, TPE relationship only» (‘TPE’ would be ‘Total Power Exchange’, meaning the submissive partner has zero control on their life)—and so on. And on. And on.
In fact, if you have stumbled onto these sorts of characters, you also may have noticed one common trait: most of them are relative newcomers to the alt-sex scene, and more importantly, they are…single. And this should teach us several important things.
First of all, it really is lonely at the top of the hill. There is nothing wrong in aiming for commitment and maybe excellence, mind you—but most people couldn’t care less about your amazing Slytherin score, and prefer to simply have fun in a simpler, sensible way. It’s exactly like with sports: everybody loves a champion, but watching the occasional game is usually more than enough, and that is just fine.
Still, no pro athlete keeps blabbing on about their supreme skill all the time, nor do they seem to imply that your monthly bowling night with your friends is just a grotesque distortion of their True Olympics™. So, where does that weird kinkster attitude come from?
Erotica is the main culprit. Whether hardcore porn or some best-selling “pervy romance novel”, erotic fantasies are meant to intrigue and titillate, not to offer a realistic portrayal of sex. So, just like differently from your neighborhood policeman, the main character in your favorite cop show inexplicably seems to meet one serial killer after the other and ends up in a shooting duel or a car chase every other day, the situations described in kinky stories tend to turn the volume way past eleven.
Problem is, in our severely sexually misinformed society, stories outnumber actual info about kink—and people may be forgiven for thinking that Story of O (or their average BDSM porn video) is a faithful representation of a standard pervy relationship. Or, in other words, that unusual forms of sex necessarily have to be uber-extreme.
Another reason for this common misconception is…mere ignorance. Most people don’t realize the actual intensity of the practices they are dreaming about. In the real world, doing bondage is hard, whip lashes are fucking painful, fisting requires training and preparation—but even “just” a humiliation scene can discombobulate your mind with the strength of a steamroller. It’s only after you’ve experienced the emotional and physical power of real-life kink that you finally understand how exaggerated your expectations were.
Unfortunately, these are also the very same reasons that keep many folks from even trying more creative forms of sexuality. If your only conception of domination and submission games involves stuff like extreme pain, body modification, public exposure, or relinquishing all of your human rights to the whims of someone who is going to literally torture you for the littlest misbehavior…well, I can see why you are so reticent.
The truth of the matter is—within the limits of safety and consent—anyone of course is free to enjoy whatever pleasure they prefer exactly as they like it. The only real requirement is to have fun, and nobody will judge you for being “not kinky enough”, whatever that might mean.
So, whether you are the one harboring apocalyptic fantasies of Ultimate Perversion© or the one intimidated by the supposed high pressure of alternative erotic practices…relax. The only thing you should always keep in mind is that, just like any uncommon activity, uncommon forms of sex require a little preparation.
If you see a new game you’d like to try, start by checking out what it actually entails. There are dozens of books, guides, and informative websites out there—listening to the suggestions of those who did it before you will spare you lots of headaches and issues big and small. You don’t have to become a black belt sapiosexual, but the more you’ll study, the more you are going to enjoy it. Involving your partner from the start in this learning experience will make it even more intimate and fun!
When you feel ready to actually try, go slow and focus on your enjoyment (and your partner’s, of course): you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and it is perfectly all right to laugh, experiment and even stop if you don’t feel as comfortable as you expected.
After you are done playing, set some time aside for cuddling and talking with your partner about the experience you just went through: what you liked and disliked, if and how would you like to try it again, what would you change. Again: the goal is pleasure, not performance—and you are the only ones who decide what works for you. You can certainly try more intense variations the next time, but there is absolutely no need to if you don’t feel like it.
And what if you discover that you really enjoy whatever kinky game you have tried? Nothing keeps you from becoming true experts or even making it part of your lifestyle, either. Just remember not to turn into one of those obnoxious characters we mentioned in the beginning, will you?
Ayzad is a kink educator living in Milan, Italy, and working online as a coach to help people worldwide solving their kink-related issues and reclaiming their happiness. His bilingual free website https://ayzad.com features hundreds of articles about unusual sex, podcasts and books – including the best-selling BDSM – A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism and I Love BDSM – Beginners Guide to Erotic Bondage, Domination and Submission Games.