Birth Control & Sex Drive
Q: I have no sexual desire anymore, and it’s putting a strain on my relationship. We’ve been through couples counseling, I’ve tried sex store pills, you name it. It’s not like the relationship has lost its spark, because literally, nothing turns me on anymore. I basically feel like a nun. Should I talk to my doctor about this? Are there alternative types of birth control that will do the trick but keep my sex drive?
A: YES. Birth control pills can have an impact on your sex drive. Please talk to your doctor about changing your pills to one that has less of an effect.
Afraid to Get Physical
Q: My girlfriend and I have been dating for nine months, we are both teenagers, and we are sexually active. Recently my girlfriend has been rejecting me for sex when I ask. I ask her why she says no and she will come up with an excuse or tell me that it’s because sex is scary for her. I think she is scared of getting pregnant, but she is on the pill. Do you know what she could possibly be scared of? Are these legitimate fears? How can I make her feel more comfortable?
A: I think your girlfriend is trying to tell you that she is scared, which is normal at this young age. For many young women, this is a huge step, especially when you consider the potential consequences like pregnancy. Maybe she was raised with the value of abstinence until marriage, and she is feeling conflicted. You can reassure her about the pregnancy issue by researching together how the birth control pill actually works to prevent pregnancy. If you want to be extra sure, you can also use a condom. The way to make her feel comfortable is to NOT pressure her for sex. Tell her you care about her, and therefore you will be patient since you would not want her to do anything she was not comfortable with. We call this compassion—a very important ingredient to a healthy relationship.
How to Increase My Wife’s Sex Drive
Q: I am a 40-year-old male and I like to have sex a lot, three or more times a day if I could. My wife, on the other hand, says she really doesn’t have a drive like that. She can go like two weeks without sex. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I try to use games to help, toys, I will even be hard and rub against her or jack off next to her nothing like she not even noticing it. I’m tired of trying and I don’t want to cheat on her but I’m all out of ideas. Can you help?
A: Many couples find that they have different/mismatched libidos. This is why frequency is something that should be negotiated in a couple. Just because you want sex 3 times a day, does not mean it is your wife’s responsibility to fulfill all of your sexual needs. The more you try to “convince” her, the more likely she is to feel turned off by your pressures, and less likely to want to have sex with you. You may never get as much sex as you ideally want, but your wife may be more into it if you find out what she needs from you (like affection, tenderness, help around the house, or whatever else she needs to feel warmth toward you). In between sexual activity with your wife, you should take care of your own needs through masturbation. Cheating should not be the alternative, as this has the potential of destroying your relationship.
Low Libido
Q: I have low libido or low T I don’t have much sex drive and I’ve got a person in my life now what can I do to get my drive back where I want to fuck like I did when I was younger please help me because this is really messing up my life.
A: This is hard to answer without knowing whether you are male or female, how old you are, what medications you might be on, or what else is going on in your life. If you have had your Testosterone levels checked and they are in fact low, your doctor should talk to you about hormone replacement therapy. You also need to adjust your expectations. Most of us do not feel the same way as we did as teenagers, and this includes sex. Libido can change over time for many reasons. So instead of waiting until you feel like having sex, try engaging in sexual activity and see if the stimulation triggers your arousal. Sometimes our desire is responsive rather than spontaneous.