Recently I got this question from one of our readers about how we express love.
“In the past few years, I have started hearing more and more about the “love languages” that people have. I never really thought about it for myself, but I can definitely say that I had ZERO understanding of what -my- love language was in past relationships, let alone the other person’s. There’s also a lot of hippie-dippie language around that stuff when I try and research it. Can you summarize what this whole thing means? And what value it serves for relationships? I’m in a new one and I want to be more conscious of how I act and try to make things work. What do you think?”
I actually really love the whole concept of “love languages” as it helps us understand how our partner, and how we express our love for each other. We sometimes get into trouble when we don’t understand this as it can create frustration and conflict. It’s actually more important to understand what our partner needs in terms of love so that we can better respond in their language.
Dr. Gary Chapman is the guy who popularized this concept when he wrote his book, The Five Love Languages. Let me recap it here and give you some examples of what all this means in practice.
The 5 languages are:
Words of affirmation: This means that you demonstrate your love with words. For example, saying “I love you,” giving your partner compliments, writing them notes and cards
Quality time: giving each other undivided attention. Spending time together while focusing on each other. Not just watching a movie and playing with your phone. If this is your partner’s language, make sure you plan time together like date nights, romantic getaways, etc. They don’t have to be huge events. Little things can make your partner feel like you want to spend time with them.
Receiving gifts: This is not about grand gestures or expensive gifts. Using this language shows your partner that you were thinking about them. Bringing home a single flower, or a small gift just to say “I saw this and thought of you.”
Acts of service: This is doing things for you partner to make their life easier. For example, it means the world to me when I go out to my car in the winter and discover that my husband cleaned the snow off my car (without me asking him to). Bringing your partner their morning coffee, making them a lunch, offering to take their car to the garage for servicing—these are just a few examples of how your actions speak the language of love.
Physical touch: This is not just about sex, but more about affection. Giving hugs, shoulder rubs, kisses, holding hands are a few examples. Even if you are less “touchy feely,” if this is your partner’s language, you must go out of your comfort zone and make every effort to express your love with touch.
Although you may think all of this is kind of “pop psychology” type stuff, it makes a lot of sense and helps us to understand ourselves and our partners in the area of the expression of love. The big take away though in knowing about these languages, is how we put this into practice. So, although its great to know what our own way of expressing love is, it’s even more crucial to understand how your partner expresses their love. When we understand that piece, we can respond to their needs in their language.
If you want to find out your own love language, you can take the quiz here: Learn More About Yourself (5lovelanguages.com)
This is also a really fun activity to do together, and share the results with each other. You can discuss it together, and come up with examples for each of your languages. Then, don’t forget to put the effort into it and put it into practice!