I have an extremely non-judgmental demeanor, so from when I was young, I was often the person with whom people shared their unusual stories. For example, in middle school, a friend told me that they love the taste of their buggers. In high school, a classmate told me they masturbated to a dolphin once, and I affirmed that they are damn ethereal. Since becoming a sex educator, I have been graciously endowed with the stories and experiences of many folks with unique desires and preferences.
I connected two women with a sneeze fetish to share how they navigate their desire in relationships and what spice can be used to make people sneeze the hardest (consensually, of course). I have spoken to several folks with a cast fetish about the origins of their desire and how they have explored it. I helped a man with a carpet fetish beat his record of having 12 women step on him at once. I found great satisfaction in helping a friend with a fart fetish learn that there is nothing wrong with his desires and work on the skills to respectfully discuss his fetish with partners.
All of these experiences inspired me to specialize in working with folks with fetishes in my coaching practice. I have helped folks work on the shame surrounding their desires, as we still live in a world that has a long way to go in becoming sex-positive and accepting of folks we see as different. In addition, I have helped folks develop skills to explore their desires with partners and find alternative ways to explore their fetish if their partner is not interested in being a part of their journey.
What is a fetish?
Before I share more about the project that I’m working on, let’s start with the basics.
A fetish is an enduring fascination with specific sensory stimuli, including body parts (feet, toes, legs), body fluids (urine, blood), objects (carpets, diapers, leather), and activities (whipping, car crashes). Sometimes folk’s arousal is directed inwards (biting fingernails, enjoying their feet, etc.), but usually, the desire is related to the behavior of others (smoking, others’ hair, etc.). Although technically, the definition of a fetish is somewhat specific to the above topics, folks use the term colloquially to include other actions like BDSM, group sex, exhibitionism, and voyeurism.
Some people with a fetish are so focused on this one object that they cannot get aroused without thinking about or incorporating their fetish. However, for most folks with fetishes, it is just the extra spice that makes an encounter more arousing, and including their fetish is unnecessary for arousal.
Research shows that the most common fetishes involve arousal directly related to the human body (feet, toes) or objects closely associated with the body (clothing, etc.). Specifically, it was found that feet were the most common fetish, with 1/7 of adults having a fantasy that involved feet. Other common fetishes include body fluids. For example, a study found that 45% of men and 35% percent of women fantasized about spit before, 31% of men and 14% of women fantasized about breast milk, 32% of men and 15% fantasied about urine, and 6% of men and 2% of women fantasized about feces.
How can you get involved in the project?
I am now beginning to assemble the information I have collected into a book to shed light on what it is like living with a more extreme fetish. The book will provide tips from folks living with extreme fetishes about how they have learned to navigate relationships and sexuality. In addition, the book will include straightforward tips regarding how to tell a partner about your fetish and options for dealing with differing desires in a relationship.
I would love to hear from more people who have fetishes so that we can work to destigmatize and normalize a vast array of sexual desires. Please click here if you are interested in sharing your fetish experience in the book. You can also email me at [email protected] if you are interested in booking a session to gain some resources to navigate your fetish.