Have committed relationships been replaced by casual sexual encounters also known as “hookups?” Love, while desired by some, is being put on hold or seen as impossible for others. Old-fashioned dating seems to have fallen by the wayside, replaced by a lifestyle of hooking up.
If you’re in your 50s (like me), then “hooking up” might mean catching a friend downtown for lunch. However, for younger generations, the phrase often means a casual sexual encounter—anything from kissing onward, with no strings attached, and very little expectations except for a fun sexual encounter.
What does “hooking up” actually mean? That in itself can be confusing. I’ve heard people use this term to describe making out with someone at a club, to having full on sexual intercourse with a partner. Thus, it seems like the buzzword for everything and anything physical.
Although hooking up has largely replaced the term dating, there’s one important distinction: a sexual connotation. Dating is a non-sexual term. When you say you’re dating, no one knows about your sexual relationship. If you say you hooked up, on the other hand, this is a sexual term with clear implications.
For many, dating means too much commitment for comfort. Some say it’s way too serious. As one college student put it: “We don’t date…we hook up.” The “hookup” vocabulary softens the impact of the behavior. “I hooked up with someone” sounds a lot better than “I had oral sex with someone whose name I don’t even know.” These concepts can be baffling to some of us older folks who are used to a courtship culture, not a hookup culture.
The sad truth is that it can be confusing for young people too. When so much can be defined as hooking up (kissing, oral sex, intercourse, etc.), people are sometimes left in relationship limbo. It’s really hard to define – are you boyfriend and girlfriend? Are you friends?
Perhaps some of you are thinking, “This didn’t happen in my day” — but, as one woman in her 50s observed: “There was always a hookup culture, it just wasn’t as celebrated as it is now.” Back then it seemed like an act of deviancy rather than just another way people choose to relate.
There are a lot of reasons why hooking up has become the name of the game and old-fashioned dating is sitting on the bench. A big reason involves the changing social roles of women and the evolution of female sexual freedom. In previous generations, if you didn’t have a date, you didn’t dare go out on a Friday night.
With improved gender equality, many young women are preparing for self-sustaining careers and are more likely to be scoping out a partner for the moment rather than a partner for life.
Another reason hooking up is commonplace is the time factor. We are so busy these days that it doesn’t leave much free time for the investment of time that dating requires. Some young women say proudly that they like the control hookups give them—control over their emotions, their schedules, and freedom to focus on things like schoolwork and a career. As one student puts it: “Dating is a drain of energy and intellect, and we’re overwhelmed, over-programmed and overcommitted just trying to get into grad school.”
It may sound appealing to enjoy the freedom of sex without strings attached, but hookup culture has its pros and cons.
Recent studies seem to have mixed and opposing results. For example, a study published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health found no significant differences in the psychological well-being of young adults who engaged in casual sex versus those who had sex with a partner they were in a relationship with. This was the same for both males and females. However, another study, published in the Journal of Sex Research concluded that casual sex was negatively associated with psychological well-being and positively correlated with psychological distress, regardless of gender.
We know that hooking up happens, but what happens after hooking up? In my years of practice, this is where I see the problems arise, because it isn’t always as care-free as it seems. Unfortunately, what usually happens is that one of the two partners becomes attached. For that person, it becomes more than a hookup.
According to one body of research, the attached person tends to be the female in a heterosexual hookup. You can see that there’s a difference between what a guy thinks and what a woman thinks in this type of relationship. Some women can handle it just fine, while others are exhausted by it physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Furthermore, some theorize that hookups can be damaging to young women by denying their emotional needs, putting them at risk of depression and sexually transmitted disease, and making them ill-equipped for real relationships later on. Put bluntly: hookup culture, they say, really benefits men more. It gives them what they want without women getting what they want. This is a generalization of course, and doesn’t apply to everyone, male or female, or other.
What’s interesting is that the hookup relationship is the only kind of erotic encounter that is actually “scripted.” You know going in what you should do and how to get what you want. The expectations are clear (but are they really?). If you long for the person or want some emotional intimacy to go with your physical intimacy, does that mean you’re “clingy” and needy, and that’s bad? Do you risk getting attached? What if you want to see the person more often? What about jealousy? Clearly, it can be more complicated than what it seems on the surface.
So, what’s missing in a hookup culture? Hooking up falls short of dating in a very simple way. For all its shortcomings, dating allows a couple to practice true intimacy. It allows you to get to know your partner. This kind of closeness certainly does not and cannot come from casual, fleeting sexual encounters.
Hookup culture may be showing us that young people have an aversion to committed relationships, but research shows that marriage is still important to them. A study found that 88% of young men and 93% of young women consider it quite or extremely important to have a good marriage and family life.
Bottom line: If casual sex aligns with your sexual integrity, you genuinely want it, and you practice safe sex, it is unlikely to affect you negatively. Make choices that feel right for you.