When Michael’s wife Sophia started spending a lot of time with her friend Eleanor who was going through a divorce, he thought his wife was being supportive to a friend who was going through a difficult time—it was a kind thing for Sophia to do.
Being kind and supportive was Sophia’s intent. But gradually, hearing Eleanor talk about getting divorced planted a seed in Sophia’s mind that perhaps she should think about divorce. It put breaking up on the table as something she should consider.
That seed grew into a decision to get divorced. She told Michael she wanted to end their marriage. Michael remembers the sting. “I thought we had a good relationship. I wish I had known what was happening. I would have tried to talk to her earlier.”
Like seeds that blow in the wind that take root, Sophia told her friends about her plan to divorce Michael. It planted the seed in her friend Mary who decided to think about breaking up with her partner. She later did.
Are break-ups contagious? They can be.
According to a study titled “Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else is Doing it Too,” a clever take-off on the title of the popular 1960s Neil Sedaka song, divorce may very well be contagious.
The 2013 study published by the Pew Research Center found “that participants were 75% more likely to become divorced if a friend is divorced and 33% more likely to end their marriage if a friend of a friend is divorced.”
I have seen this happen. When one person in a circle of friends announces they are getting divorced, it leads others to question whether it is worth continuing their own marriage or if they should consider breaking up.
But I have also seen how when friends try to help make peace between a husband and wife—perhaps by sharing lessons they themselves learned—it can not only help the couple, it can also help their own relationship by reminding them to follow their own advice. The study published by the Pew Research Center said, “Attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages might serve to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship.”
What can you do to prevent break-up seeds from spreading and taking root in your relationship?
Don’t Be Oblivious
Take action early. Don’t wait until your partner wants a divorce. Divorced men I have coached and those who commented on my book, Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, said that if they had started making changes while they were still married, they probably would not be divorced. Instead, they were oblivious and hoped it wouldn’t happen. It’s important to act as early as possible.
Make Your Partner Feel Valued And Appreciated
Don’t take your partner for granted. Avoid criticizing and complaining. Be open to listening to their concerns and work on yourself to be the best possible partner. Don’t think the only solution is for your partner to change. You can change yourself and improve the relationship.
Make Friends With Couples In Strong Relationships
People can also be influenced to have a better relationship by being around and watching people who are in good relationships. Try to choose friends who are good role models.
What You Can Say To Your Partner
“I’m sorry your friend is getting divorced. I think you being supportive to them shows how kind you are. Try to do what you can to help make peace between your friend and their partner. When a person is getting divorced, it is probably not the best time for them to be influencing other people on what to do about their own relationships. Don’t let hearing what they say at this difficult time in their life influence your thoughts about our relationship.”
“Divorce is one of the most stressful experiences a person can go through. It is not the solution to every problem in a relationship. Psychologist Abraham Maslow said, ‘If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.'”
When a friend speaks negatively about their partner, change the subject and say, “Let’s follow that old saying, ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.’ Let’s talk about ways to improve our relationships.”
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: [email protected] His book Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man – which was translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being an emotionally strong man that a woman loves and respects. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
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