Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But no one “gives” anyone else an orgasm. Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. When conditions feel right, we release laughter from deep within ourselves. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to work up to them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of happy endings:
1. Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. In movies, women always have orgasms during intercourse. That’s more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only a small fraction of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The large majority of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.
The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women need direct clitoral caresses from your hand, tongue, or a vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but packed into a much smaller space. Even gentle caresses may feel too intense. Gentlemen: ask her to coach you. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.
2. Touch her all over. From the scalp to the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground. But many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her all over. Think of sex as a whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Try massage lotion (available at bath and body shops). Some non-genital spots that can excite erotic arousal include the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.
3. Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.
4. Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.
The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Instead, squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies, near the condoms.
5. Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels hotter in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is out of your routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candle light, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.
6. Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm, and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, more than half of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.” Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.
But remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In loving relationships, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and sufficiently arousing enough so the woman can let herself go and work up to a happy ending.