Despite how it is often portrayed in media, sex is not a competitive sport. How often you have it, with whom, and how, count for nothing, provided that you and your partner are both happy and satisfied. This is also true for “atypical” sexualities, of course. If it gives you pleasure, cuddling is just as valid as the cruelest and most byzantine of punishments. Still, three simple digits are frequently regarded as the ultimate achievement in kink.
In some alt-sex subcultures—the BDSM one in particular— “24/7” indicates a full-time, possibly permanent lifestyle built around one’s fetish. In other words, you stop being someone’s spouse who occasionally takes on the role of their submissive, and fully become the slave as your primary (and maybe sole) mode of interaction. Or the dominant, the sissy maid, the adult baby, the furry pet, or whatever your erotic fantasy is.
That’s what porn dreams are made of, literally. They have no allowance for real life to intrude and disrupt them: in the porn world even mundane annoyances like a car breakdown, delivering pizza, or a family reunion becomes just another opportunity for hot sex. Also, not having to worry about everyday matters offers the unique opportunity to pursue seriously demanding goals like body modification, extreme discipline, high protocol training, and whatnot. It is not surprising then if “going 24/7” is an ambition for so many kinksters.
Some aspirations, however, are truly difficult to achieve. Even sociopathic billionaire Christian Grey (of 50 Shades fame) had to take care of his day job, after all. Most of us hold obligations that are just incompatible with an exclusive latex & leather lifestyle. This is why some people go to the length of restructuring their whole existence to accommodate it: they become fetish photographers and models, for example, dominatrixes or—ahem—kink educators. They choose their friends only among other sexual explorers who know and approve of their choices. They decide to step out of normative society to follow their dreams. Yet usually this is not enough.
Please understand, I fully support realizing oneself and I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. Still, in my years in the BDSM scene I have seen plenty of unsuccessful attempts at emulating the kind of lives you see in kinky porn. It may be social complications, the wish to have children, health issues, or mere age that gets in the way. Even when everything else is just fine, burnout often creeps in to put a damper on it all, as it is in the nature of things. After all, human beings are built for sensation seeking as much as for novelty, affection, socializing, relaxation, and countless other aspects of a healthy lifestyle. As exciting as it looks, being a whip-wielding fiend all the time is exhausting. Sometimes you just want to wear bunny slippers instead of killer heels, kick back and enjoy a cozy evening without having to worry about keeping your slave entertained, and vice versa.
These common-sense considerations should sound superfluous, of course. Yet, depending on where they are on their path of discovering kink and what their role models are, not so few people may be lead to think that 24/7 arrangements are not just one possible type of relationship, but the standard way of enjoying uncommon forms of sexuality.
Two categories are especially prone to such misunderstanding. There are inexperienced newcomers dazzled and inspired by fiction, and stressed-out people wishing for a way out from their daily responsibilities and worries. Whatever your reasons are, though, it would be advisable to consider the alternatives.
Taking a less radical approach to erotic fulfillment doesn’t mean making it any less serious. You can have extremely intense sessions anyway, or decide on shorter periods of full-immersion into your cherished roles. In fact, limiting the 24/7 mindset to your weekends or holiday times will keep the game fresh and even more thrilling, without any of the less desirable consequences. Some people feel that jumping in and out of their kinky identities diminishes their commitment to their passion and to each other, but there are workarounds for that too.
For example, you don’t have to be kept in bondage all the time to feel submissive. Maybe wearing a discreet collar-like necklace during the day is a reminder enough if you and your partner consciously gave this gesture such a meaning—that’s how wedding rings work, after all! You can agree on countless micro-rituals like this, and nobody around you shall notice your ongoing erotic game. Say, your partner might not be allowed to sit down until you do, or you can only use the underwear they chose on your behalf. Use your imagination, and you can privately acknowledge your 24/7 relation without any of the public hassles that burden stereotypical dom/sub setups.
As noted in the beginning, the sole real rule is to explore and find out whatever it is that makes you sexually happy—without unduly complicating the rest of your life. You and your partner are the only persons you have to answer to, and it would be absurd to abandon the restrictions of vanilla sex just to get shackled by some imaginary and arbitrary set of “proper” behaviors, wouldn’t it?
Ayzad is a kink educator living in Milan, Italy, and working online as a coach to help people worldwide solving their kink-related issues and reclaiming their happiness. His bilingual free website https://ayzad.com features hundreds of articles about unusual sex, podcasts, and books – including the best-selling BDSM – A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism and I Love BDSM – Beginners Guide to Erotic Bondage, Domination and Submission Games.