What I Remember

I constantly regret how I grew up. I wish I would have come out before high school. My earliest memories of me questioning my gender was when I was 6ish??? That was 1st grade... I remember questioning why I was different from other girls. Well here is some insight to my life.

Pain

My dad had an issue that forced me into growing up a lot faster than other k**s. There was no normal family life. We did what we had to do to get by. Sometimes I think if I would have come out when I wanted to I could have hurt my family. My parents grew up catholic... the type that shamed you into everything. Beyond that, there wasn't any communication besides how your day was. Even if it was bad, I always had this sense that I couldn't say anything. Not because of shame or religion, but because it was so obvious my Dad's and parent's problems were so much worse than mine. Seeing your Dad have seizures regularly really normalizes pain. My pain was internal, his pain was visual. At a young age, seeing is believing. What was I to do... making my pain external was not something I could bare, let alone make anyone else in my family see it.

Hiding

I learned how to hide everything. I still had onesie pajamas and wore my moms clothes under that, if that tells you how young I was and understood I had to hide. I loved just playing by myself. I had a couple good friends, but none that would call me their best friend. I was really close to my sister, but as family, we still couldn't communicate on a different level. 5th and 6th grade was when women started to develop. I remember one girl in particular and I was so jealous of her. I actually dated girls because I was jealous of them. And by the way, I am attracted to girls, well femininity anyway. I somethings think my attraction is just because of my admiration. When it comes down to sex, I don't want to come near a vagina. Going back to hiding... I got my own bedroom in 5th grade. I was the best thing that happened to me. It got me out of my brothers room and in my own space. I didn't spend a lot of time in there though. I felt it was too hidden. It was my place to begin acting feminine though. I had some of my moms clothes that I would wear. My dad also had some magazines hidden downstairs... typical girly magazines. I loved looking at them... not to be turned on by, but to admire. I especially loved that back few pages that had ads for gay magazines and other things. Those were the first cocks I saw and loved them. There was also a book called "everything you want to know about sex, but are too afraid to ask." I loved this book... I read the section on gay sex and anal repeatedly. This was before I was even masturbating. I saw these magazines of girls and wanted to be them. So I tried, I would dress up and finger myself. I found other stuff to use to pretend it was a penis. By 8th grade, I was able to easily take anything penis sized. I loved it. The thing that influenced me the most was one back page advertisement for "shemale" porn. I couldn't believe it, that there were women with penises. I was beyond intrigued by this.

The Internet
AOL and AIM was amazing for me. Chat rooms, instant messenger, and the web were amazing. I would be in gay chats regularly. Looking back, I can't believe how stupid I was.... so dangerous. But it was here I found out that there were others like me. It was incredible. I remember freshman year, I would stay up all night just to be online in gay chats. All through high school I was able to hide online and in my real life. I did what was expected of me in every way possible, I do have to say I did have fun. I played basketball and had some amazing friends. I would be tough to take back any of it. But I was always hiding my true self. Having a computer also allowed me to type out some of my true feelings and desires. I would create my own stories of me being a woman. I would print these out for me to read to myself later. I hid everything above the drop ceiling panels. I just wish I wasn't so terrified of being discovered.

The End
By growing up like this, I learned how to manipulate everyone. I knew how to lie to my parents, boss's, friends, everyone. The pain that became so normal for me as a k** also taught be how to hide many emotions. But I wasn't ever harmful with this. I only did it to hide myself. Once I got to college, I was able to experiment more. Every experience has been amazing. I feel bad about some though because I know my manipulation has hurt others.

There was a period when I was merely going through life and on my own that I had begun my transition. Speaking to a ther****t was amazing. Coming up with a path to end this mess was amazing. Unfortunately this path is on hold. That is another story for another day.

I wrote this rather quickly, and I know I left out many details. I plan on elaborating more on my story but for now, I feel better :)