One Liners I thought were funny!

I was bored today so I thought I'd look up some good one liners..... for no good reason really; Just because I could and had some time to kill! I've used some of them and added a few of my own. Feel free to leave your own.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" (I actually used this one once)
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. (I don't know why but I thought this one hilarious)
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. (a problem I have I must admit)
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth? (A personal favorite of mine)
When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest c***dren? Ask your mother.
Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
Are your parents siblings? (Sometime you just got to ask... I mean really!)
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit. (Another favorite)
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit.
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
Some times I think you were part of a load that should have been swallowed.