You know youre a crossdresser if.....
You know youre a crossdresser if.......by Julia Kat as shes nothing better to do while the cameras are all charging....
Its been a while since I wrote anything,but a recent oops led me to thinking about our weird and wonderful world of crossdressing,and how it sometimes leads to some oops moments amongst other things hehe.
For example,recently summer arrived here in Yorkshire,and like Ive always said,it was a Thursday.And you thought I was joking.
It was actually 40 degrees C today!Yikes.
Awful.We had fires all over the place,Barnsley was on fire,but I thought isnt it always?!The police were consoling some poor Welshman who was distraught beyond belief as apparently this huge ball of fire in the sky he had never seen before,he had never known it NOT to rain,he didnt even know his rain coat does in fact.....can come off!So he thought this was a sign it was the end of the world.But no such luck.As no matter how many times you hit it with a hammer,it just wont go bang.Trust me.
Anyway talking complete ballcocks aside,I decided to have a few days off from grafting and house moving and grab some rays.So it was on with the thong bikini and have a good slob in the sun.Lovely.
I felt I should do something,as there is NO privacy at my new house,its always got loads of old age pensioners on the garden and next door in shorts t shirts and trainers,and they are always either gardening,building sheds planters,you name it.Its like a scene from Cocoon.Really.So I thought I would head down to one of my female friends for a goss and catch up,then grab a couple of hours in her back garden (literally.Minds out of the gutter please) sunbathing while she watched vintage Coro on the idiot box.
So,Im layed out,only got my thong bikini bottoms on as I always sunbathe topless,as well theres not much to see,plus I love how the sun makes my nipples go brown.As usually,being blonde,they are always like shiney new and pink,like they are just out the box or something.Whereas brown ones seem a bit more grown up if you see what I mean.I know,Im weird.
Anyway I was layed face down having a nice nap in the sun,when the perscription lady from the chemist came round the back of the house to drop off my friends perscription,well obviously she wasnt there to fix the boiler or something.What am I on about?!
Well I think she may have had a wee bit of a shock,as there I am,with bikini bottoms on and nowt else,hair down,leopard print hair band in but hair all over the place as usual,I did have lippy and mascara on,bit of blusher but nothing else.Im not a bikini person I perfer swimsuits,but for sunbathing its spot on,its strappy top which flattens your boobs and pokies dead flat,and the bottoms are thong,high leg but high waist,so you can get all your bits in and super stretchy and soooo so soft.Im talking kitten soft.As always they were well and truly up my crack like everything I wear.
Anyway you could tell with her voice something was up.I sure she was thinking "please dont turn over please dont turn over!" as she announced her prescence.
So I turned over to see who it was when she shouted nervously "perscription" and just threw it in my direction!And she just run off.I mean some people eh,has she never seen a crossdresser before.I take it she has never been to a conservative party conference then.
Least I had bottoms on,I dont usually.
So yes,a wee bit of a cringe moment there.Oops.Again.Still Im sure she isnt the first woman Ive turned gay.
Im telling you,me in a bikini isnt pretty,it can turn men straight and women gay,and yes even turn a a titan to stone.Who needs the head of Medusa when you have me in a bikini eh.
But........you know how that little voice in the back of your head just plays on your fears and insecurities?Well mine was saying "bet she writes a book you know yer tiny twat!".
Yep Im sure she will,and chapter nine of "The adventures of a perscription lady" (I think I have a video called that) will be all about that day she came accross a cd sunbathing in nowt but a thong bikini.It will probably go something like this.....
"well it had been a very hot day,hottest day on record they were saying on the radio.I was melting in the van as no aircon as I drove around delivering the persriptions to those who are unable to collect them themselves due to illness or disablity,which is a great service to provide for them as otherwise they would be buggered,and not in a cd in a carpark way.Oh and we also deliver to those who are just cant be arsed to collect it from the chemist themselves.
Anyway apart from the heat it had been a typical day,nothing untoward happening so I thought nothing about the next delivery.I had delivered to this lady many times before,she was always nice and friendly polite,chatty.Sometimes one of her friends would be there,again nice friendly polite,doesnt really say much,or anything really,struck me as a bit of a big girls blouse and something of a tiny twat (that would be me then),but nice enough.
Well you wont believe what happened!
I walked down the path and opened the big iron gate that led onto the back garden,I rounded the path,stunning views over the countryside and right over to the reservoir,then I glanced over and noticed a pair of ladies legs on the ground.I had thought it was the lady of the house sunbathing or maybe had had a fall so I ventured further round and no,it cant be,surely not.Please no.....could it be....no....please no...but yes.It was her friend layed out on the grass,half asleep it seemed.But that wasnt the worst of it........all she had on was a thong bikini,a black one,and it was so far up her crack I could see what she had had for breakfast!Infact it was so far up there Im sure I could make out a kitkat she had had in 1976!
I was gobsmacked for a while,as Id never seen a crossdresser before never having attended a conservative party conference before,but I had heard of them but never met one.Well all I could think was to shout "perscription!" all the while thinking "please dont turn over please dont turn over please dont turn over....".
She turned over.
Well you couldnt miss it,no mistaking theres a penis under there!How on earth that flimsy material was keeping it at bay I will never know but thank goodness for lycra.
In a blind panic as I could feel her thing looking at me through that material I threw the perscription in their direction and ran.
Im sure I heard it grow at me through those bikini bottoms as I ran!
Its been 16 years 4 months and 23 days since that fatefull day.But with four years of extensive therapy,and the support of my fellow lesbian support group as I was gay from that day on,I did manage to come to terms with what I saw.
But that was just one tale from a long career of delivering perscriptions.One of my lesbian support group once joked I should write a book.
So I did.
And here it is.
But even though its been over 16 years now,whenever it has been a very long hot day.....at night....in bed...asleep....
I still wake up screaming.
Still I have to say she did have a nice pair of legs on her,you know... for a tiny twat."
......You just know itll happen.Oh well.Just another cringeworthy moment in the life of a crossdresser,again.Opps.Oh theres been loads.Weve all had them many times,like when two old blokes spot you in the pub that youve been knocking off for months and they both come over and start talking to you.It never goes well that,bit like two fleas fighting over who owns the dog.
And yes I know what all you pervys are thinking..."threesome".Tell me Im wrong!Ha you cant.But yeah,I was thinking the same thing,but well,we dont always get what we want,and thats why we have whips.
Anyway cringey moments are just one of fantastic things we enjoy in this world of crossdressing I adore so much.Its fun!
But it did get me thinking about all this crossdressing business.Its wonderful different super love it loveit loveit.I cant imagine not being like this,it must be awful,just awful.Seriously,I couldnt bare not being a cd.
So I thought Id do a little list that covers just a wee bit of our wonderful world,just to give you a peek at our wonderful wonderful world......
So,you know you are a crossdresser if...........
1....an enjoyable evening is window shopping on Boohoo for slutwear.
2.....you get regular 10% off coupons from Lovehoney.
3....You have more dildos than friends.
4.....you think of your dildos as friends.
5....when shopping for a new sex machine the one and only thing that matters is depth of penetration.
Admit it,if one had a penetration depth of 14ft you would buy it!
6....when shopping for veggies your only thought is "will it fit up my bum".
7....when youve had sex with everything in the kitchen.
8....when the strangest place youve ever had sex is a bed.
9....when a car park is no longer a place to park,but to have sex.
10....you spend more time bent over than on your back.
11....your male clothes take up one tiny drawer and your female clothes take up several square miles.
12....you think flat shoes should be outlawed.
13....when shoes are sex objects and not just something to shove your foot in.
14....when buying a car your only concern is will the gear lever go up your puss and nothing else.
15....when buying a car and the gear lever wont fit up your puss your next thought is "can I stick my cock in the exhaust".
16....when coming across anything new,anything at all,doesnt matter what,anything.....your first thought is "can I stick it up my puss?",if no,the next thought is "can I stick it down my cock",if no the next thought is "can I throat it?",if no the next thought is "can I stick my thing in it?",if its still no you loose all interest in it.
17....you have the sex drive of several mental rabbits with nothing to loose.
18....you cant pass a hole in a fence without thinking "hmmmm well hello my dear.......".
19.....youve been to casualty when youve 'accidentally fell backwards naked onto something'.
20.....youre on first name terms with the staff in casualty youve been there that often.
21....youve had a hospital wing named after you.
22....when picking a dress,theres only three criteria-is it short,is it clingy,is it slutty.
23.....when the only thing you save when the house is on fire are your high heels and not your loved one.
........well you can always get another boyfriend thats what I always say.
24.....when you can tell the difference between being cummed in or pee'd in.
25.....when more the merrier is your mantra.
26.....when you became sexualy active while your mates were still playing with Lego.
27....when your last thought,just then was,"hmmm I wonder if you can have sex with Lego?".
Yes you can but I dont recomend it,please see No.19 above.
28....when having an audience is a bonus.
29....when you get arsey becouse the audience wont join in aswell.
30...when you watch endless makeup tutorials on arsetube,then diligently try them out only to end up looking like a killer clown....or a possessed frog.
Or is that just me?
31....when something happens and you throw all your girly stuff out vowing to never do that again......only to rush out and buy it all again within weeks.
Again.
32....when a workout means something entirely different.
33....when youve never heard the words "lets just cuddle".
34....when youve never heard the words "Im not in the mood".
35....when you long to have sex in a bed and not in a carpark,or round the back of a pub,or in the toilets,or the side of the road.
36....when your life revolves around being on your knees a lot.
37....when everyone thinks your knickers just pull to one side and dont actually come off.
38....when someones talking nicely and politely to you and treating you like a girl you feel your thong coming off already.
39....when your knicker drawer is 99% thongs,one backless pair and no grannies to be seen.
40.....when one sex machine just isnt enough.
41....you find a particular dildo 'attractive'.
42....your dream is to shag every other cd to death.
43....you HAVE to come at least twice a day.
44....you realise youve forgot to put your knickers on when going out,and it doesnt matter.
45....you need a bigger knicker drawer.
46.....youve had sex with vegetables and plants.Well like I always say the pervert police need love too.
47....youre watching porn and youre thinking you wish you were the girl.
48....you see the most gorgeous woman in the world walk past and all you can think is "I love that dress".
49.....youre pervy and proud.
50....you are reading this. x
Anyway heres a couple of pics to scare you straight.Yes I have got five tons of makeup on,the full works,yes the standard joke from my mates is- I now wear so much makeup it arrives five minutes before I do.Cheeky gits.And yes you can print out the pictures and pin them to your gates with the words "warning!I live here".Beats any dog pic to scare burglars away anyday.
Toodles.
Julia xxxx
ps.isnt my bikini just lovely.Soooo comfy!
Its been a while since I wrote anything,but a recent oops led me to thinking about our weird and wonderful world of crossdressing,and how it sometimes leads to some oops moments amongst other things hehe.
For example,recently summer arrived here in Yorkshire,and like Ive always said,it was a Thursday.And you thought I was joking.
It was actually 40 degrees C today!Yikes.
Awful.We had fires all over the place,Barnsley was on fire,but I thought isnt it always?!The police were consoling some poor Welshman who was distraught beyond belief as apparently this huge ball of fire in the sky he had never seen before,he had never known it NOT to rain,he didnt even know his rain coat does in fact.....can come off!So he thought this was a sign it was the end of the world.But no such luck.As no matter how many times you hit it with a hammer,it just wont go bang.Trust me.
Anyway talking complete ballcocks aside,I decided to have a few days off from grafting and house moving and grab some rays.So it was on with the thong bikini and have a good slob in the sun.Lovely.
I felt I should do something,as there is NO privacy at my new house,its always got loads of old age pensioners on the garden and next door in shorts t shirts and trainers,and they are always either gardening,building sheds planters,you name it.Its like a scene from Cocoon.Really.So I thought I would head down to one of my female friends for a goss and catch up,then grab a couple of hours in her back garden (literally.Minds out of the gutter please) sunbathing while she watched vintage Coro on the idiot box.
So,Im layed out,only got my thong bikini bottoms on as I always sunbathe topless,as well theres not much to see,plus I love how the sun makes my nipples go brown.As usually,being blonde,they are always like shiney new and pink,like they are just out the box or something.Whereas brown ones seem a bit more grown up if you see what I mean.I know,Im weird.
Anyway I was layed face down having a nice nap in the sun,when the perscription lady from the chemist came round the back of the house to drop off my friends perscription,well obviously she wasnt there to fix the boiler or something.What am I on about?!
Well I think she may have had a wee bit of a shock,as there I am,with bikini bottoms on and nowt else,hair down,leopard print hair band in but hair all over the place as usual,I did have lippy and mascara on,bit of blusher but nothing else.Im not a bikini person I perfer swimsuits,but for sunbathing its spot on,its strappy top which flattens your boobs and pokies dead flat,and the bottoms are thong,high leg but high waist,so you can get all your bits in and super stretchy and soooo so soft.Im talking kitten soft.As always they were well and truly up my crack like everything I wear.
Anyway you could tell with her voice something was up.I sure she was thinking "please dont turn over please dont turn over!" as she announced her prescence.
So I turned over to see who it was when she shouted nervously "perscription" and just threw it in my direction!And she just run off.I mean some people eh,has she never seen a crossdresser before.I take it she has never been to a conservative party conference then.
Least I had bottoms on,I dont usually.
So yes,a wee bit of a cringe moment there.Oops.Again.Still Im sure she isnt the first woman Ive turned gay.
Im telling you,me in a bikini isnt pretty,it can turn men straight and women gay,and yes even turn a a titan to stone.Who needs the head of Medusa when you have me in a bikini eh.
But........you know how that little voice in the back of your head just plays on your fears and insecurities?Well mine was saying "bet she writes a book you know yer tiny twat!".
Yep Im sure she will,and chapter nine of "The adventures of a perscription lady" (I think I have a video called that) will be all about that day she came accross a cd sunbathing in nowt but a thong bikini.It will probably go something like this.....
"well it had been a very hot day,hottest day on record they were saying on the radio.I was melting in the van as no aircon as I drove around delivering the persriptions to those who are unable to collect them themselves due to illness or disablity,which is a great service to provide for them as otherwise they would be buggered,and not in a cd in a carpark way.Oh and we also deliver to those who are just cant be arsed to collect it from the chemist themselves.
Anyway apart from the heat it had been a typical day,nothing untoward happening so I thought nothing about the next delivery.I had delivered to this lady many times before,she was always nice and friendly polite,chatty.Sometimes one of her friends would be there,again nice friendly polite,doesnt really say much,or anything really,struck me as a bit of a big girls blouse and something of a tiny twat (that would be me then),but nice enough.
Well you wont believe what happened!
I walked down the path and opened the big iron gate that led onto the back garden,I rounded the path,stunning views over the countryside and right over to the reservoir,then I glanced over and noticed a pair of ladies legs on the ground.I had thought it was the lady of the house sunbathing or maybe had had a fall so I ventured further round and no,it cant be,surely not.Please no.....could it be....no....please no...but yes.It was her friend layed out on the grass,half asleep it seemed.But that wasnt the worst of it........all she had on was a thong bikini,a black one,and it was so far up her crack I could see what she had had for breakfast!Infact it was so far up there Im sure I could make out a kitkat she had had in 1976!
I was gobsmacked for a while,as Id never seen a crossdresser before never having attended a conservative party conference before,but I had heard of them but never met one.Well all I could think was to shout "perscription!" all the while thinking "please dont turn over please dont turn over please dont turn over....".
She turned over.
Well you couldnt miss it,no mistaking theres a penis under there!How on earth that flimsy material was keeping it at bay I will never know but thank goodness for lycra.
In a blind panic as I could feel her thing looking at me through that material I threw the perscription in their direction and ran.
Im sure I heard it grow at me through those bikini bottoms as I ran!
Its been 16 years 4 months and 23 days since that fatefull day.But with four years of extensive therapy,and the support of my fellow lesbian support group as I was gay from that day on,I did manage to come to terms with what I saw.
But that was just one tale from a long career of delivering perscriptions.One of my lesbian support group once joked I should write a book.
So I did.
And here it is.
But even though its been over 16 years now,whenever it has been a very long hot day.....at night....in bed...asleep....
I still wake up screaming.
Still I have to say she did have a nice pair of legs on her,you know... for a tiny twat."
......You just know itll happen.Oh well.Just another cringeworthy moment in the life of a crossdresser,again.Opps.Oh theres been loads.Weve all had them many times,like when two old blokes spot you in the pub that youve been knocking off for months and they both come over and start talking to you.It never goes well that,bit like two fleas fighting over who owns the dog.
And yes I know what all you pervys are thinking..."threesome".Tell me Im wrong!Ha you cant.But yeah,I was thinking the same thing,but well,we dont always get what we want,and thats why we have whips.
Anyway cringey moments are just one of fantastic things we enjoy in this world of crossdressing I adore so much.Its fun!
But it did get me thinking about all this crossdressing business.Its wonderful different super love it loveit loveit.I cant imagine not being like this,it must be awful,just awful.Seriously,I couldnt bare not being a cd.
So I thought Id do a little list that covers just a wee bit of our wonderful world,just to give you a peek at our wonderful wonderful world......
So,you know you are a crossdresser if...........
1....an enjoyable evening is window shopping on Boohoo for slutwear.
2.....you get regular 10% off coupons from Lovehoney.
3....You have more dildos than friends.
4.....you think of your dildos as friends.
5....when shopping for a new sex machine the one and only thing that matters is depth of penetration.
Admit it,if one had a penetration depth of 14ft you would buy it!
6....when shopping for veggies your only thought is "will it fit up my bum".
7....when youve had sex with everything in the kitchen.
8....when the strangest place youve ever had sex is a bed.
9....when a car park is no longer a place to park,but to have sex.
10....you spend more time bent over than on your back.
11....your male clothes take up one tiny drawer and your female clothes take up several square miles.
12....you think flat shoes should be outlawed.
13....when shoes are sex objects and not just something to shove your foot in.
14....when buying a car your only concern is will the gear lever go up your puss and nothing else.
15....when buying a car and the gear lever wont fit up your puss your next thought is "can I stick my cock in the exhaust".
16....when coming across anything new,anything at all,doesnt matter what,anything.....your first thought is "can I stick it up my puss?",if no,the next thought is "can I stick it down my cock",if no the next thought is "can I throat it?",if no the next thought is "can I stick my thing in it?",if its still no you loose all interest in it.
17....you have the sex drive of several mental rabbits with nothing to loose.
18....you cant pass a hole in a fence without thinking "hmmmm well hello my dear.......".
19.....youve been to casualty when youve 'accidentally fell backwards naked onto something'.
20.....youre on first name terms with the staff in casualty youve been there that often.
21....youve had a hospital wing named after you.
22....when picking a dress,theres only three criteria-is it short,is it clingy,is it slutty.
23.....when the only thing you save when the house is on fire are your high heels and not your loved one.
........well you can always get another boyfriend thats what I always say.
24.....when you can tell the difference between being cummed in or pee'd in.
25.....when more the merrier is your mantra.
26.....when you became sexualy active while your mates were still playing with Lego.
27....when your last thought,just then was,"hmmm I wonder if you can have sex with Lego?".
Yes you can but I dont recomend it,please see No.19 above.
28....when having an audience is a bonus.
29....when you get arsey becouse the audience wont join in aswell.
30...when you watch endless makeup tutorials on arsetube,then diligently try them out only to end up looking like a killer clown....or a possessed frog.
Or is that just me?
31....when something happens and you throw all your girly stuff out vowing to never do that again......only to rush out and buy it all again within weeks.
Again.
32....when a workout means something entirely different.
33....when youve never heard the words "lets just cuddle".
34....when youve never heard the words "Im not in the mood".
35....when you long to have sex in a bed and not in a carpark,or round the back of a pub,or in the toilets,or the side of the road.
36....when your life revolves around being on your knees a lot.
37....when everyone thinks your knickers just pull to one side and dont actually come off.
38....when someones talking nicely and politely to you and treating you like a girl you feel your thong coming off already.
39....when your knicker drawer is 99% thongs,one backless pair and no grannies to be seen.
40.....when one sex machine just isnt enough.
41....you find a particular dildo 'attractive'.
42....your dream is to shag every other cd to death.
43....you HAVE to come at least twice a day.
44....you realise youve forgot to put your knickers on when going out,and it doesnt matter.
45....you need a bigger knicker drawer.
46.....youve had sex with vegetables and plants.Well like I always say the pervert police need love too.
47....youre watching porn and youre thinking you wish you were the girl.
48....you see the most gorgeous woman in the world walk past and all you can think is "I love that dress".
49.....youre pervy and proud.
50....you are reading this. x
Anyway heres a couple of pics to scare you straight.Yes I have got five tons of makeup on,the full works,yes the standard joke from my mates is- I now wear so much makeup it arrives five minutes before I do.Cheeky gits.And yes you can print out the pictures and pin them to your gates with the words "warning!I live here".Beats any dog pic to scare burglars away anyday.
Toodles.
Julia xxxx
ps.isnt my bikini just lovely.Soooo comfy!
2 года назад
