i want to die

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible firebreathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an allstar Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an allstar {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an allstar Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold Think it's in there? All right. Let's get it! Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. No! They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. Take it away! {Gasps} Move it along. Come on! Get up! Next! Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! Get up! Come on! Twenty pieces. {Thudding} Sit down there! Keep quiet! {Crying} This cage is too small. Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Oh, shut up. Oh! Next! What have you got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Next! What have you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. Well? Oh, oh, he's just He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Get her out of my sight. No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} Hey! I can fly! He can fly! He can fly! He can talk! Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Ohoh. {Grunts} Seize him! After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} Get him! This way! Turn! You there. Orge! Aye? By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to me? Whoa! Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Uh Really tall? No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? Really, really. Oh. Man, I like you. What's you name? Uh, Shrek. Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of Idon'tcarewhatnobodythinksofme thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? That would be my home. Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. Can I stay with you? Uh, what? Can I stay with you, please? Of course! Really? No. Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! Okay! Okay! But one night only. Ah! Thank you! What are you No! No! This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. Oh! Where do, uh, I ? Outside! Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} Here I go. Good night. {Sighs} I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} I thought I told you to stay outside. I'm outside. {Clattering} Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not home, but it'll do just fune. What a lovely bed. Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. Ow! {Grunts} Blah! Awful stuff. Is that you, Gorder? How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} Hey! {Snickers} Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? Aah! Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} What? Quit it. Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} Oh, dear! Whoa! All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Oh! {Sighs} Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh, gosh, no one invited us. What? We were to come here. By who? Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} Oh, I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Me! Me! Anyone? Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} Oh! You! You're comin' with me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind bigcity adventure. I love it! On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. Hey. Oh, oh! I can't wait to get on the road again. What did I say about singing? Can I whistle? No. Can I hum it? All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! You are a monster. I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? Eat me!{Grunts} I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. All right then. Who's hiding them? Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man. Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? Well, she's married to the muffin man. The muffin man? The muffin man! She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} My lord! We found it. Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} Oh! Magic mirror Don't tell him anything! No! {Ginerbread man whispers} Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically you're not a king. Uh, Thelonius. You were saying? What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Go on. {Chuckles} So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally shutin from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a capewearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragonguarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! Three? One? {Shudders} Three? Three! Pick number three, my lord! Okay, okay, uh, number three! Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. I'll do it. Yes, but after sunset Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Uhhuh. That's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Hey, you! {Screams} Wait a second. 'm not gonna eat you. I just I just {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} Where is everybody? Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place { shutter clicks {Whirring} Wow! Let's do that again! No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Sorry about that. {Cheering} That champion shall have the honor no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runnerup will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} Oh! What is that? {Gasping} It's hideous! Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who the orge will be named champion! Have it him! Get him! Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. Go ahead! Get him! Can't we just settle this over a pint? the beast! No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun Yeah! And I don't have to one The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} Shall I give the order, sir? No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! What? Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. Your swamp? Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slimecovered toadstool. And the squatters? As good as gone. What kind of quest? Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Uh, no, not really, no. For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. Example? Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. {Sniffs} They stink? Yes No! They make you cry? No! You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Byebye. See ya later. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uhhuh,uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uhhuh,uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? Oh, aye. Well, I ha