Ask Em: Groundrules that help address fears
I've been chatting with a young couple, Rena and Roy. Roy introduced the idea 2 years ago through interracial porn. But over the last several months, Rena has been the one pushing it. Then Roy became hesitant. Rena reached out to me for help.
Rena: Hi, would you please talk to my hubby about BBC and my desire for them. I almost have his consent and approval. A little nudge from someone would probably do it.
Em: Hi Rena, It's nice to meet you. I would be happy to talk to your husband. Probably best to set a time to chat, to make sure I'm online and available. Do you have a suggested day/time?
[later]
Rena: Ok. He's here next to me. Talk some sense into his stubborn head please.
Roy: Hi there.This is Roy
Em: Hi Roy. Good to meet you. Your wife Rena sounds like a handful!
Roy: She's a hell on wheels for her size lol.
Em: So what's your hesitation about going through with this?
Roy: Basically I am afraid of losing her
Em: That's a natural fear.
Roy: And at the same time I am also turned on by all of it
Em: My hubby and I have been together for almost 10 years. And we've been sharing for most of that time. It sounds like you two have a solid relationship, which is the most important thing. [This was based on other chats I'd had with Rena between our first chat and this one] Lots of honest talk and open communication. It's great that she can honest about her fantasies and desires and so can you. That's an important first step that many couples never get to.
Roy: So you both have kept things together with each other and are satisfying "our" kink. That's awesome.
Em: Yes we have, and I must say there've been some INCREDIBLE experiences along the way. But it's also been a lot of work to make sure that our marriage takes priority over anything else. That's where groundrules come in.
Roy: You are saying that it's not likely to hurt our marriage? and btw you are right we are solid and open with each other. Makes sense to communicate and have rules for play.
Em: There is always risk in introducing something new into your marriage -- whether it's new friends, a new job, or a move to a new place. This carries risks, too, but communication and rules minimize that risk. Here's some groundrules that helped us when we were starting out...These have changed since then, as we got more comfortable with things, but they were really important at the beginning. Every couple is different, so not all of these may apply to you.
1. Hubby fully participates in screening of any potential playmate. If he says no at the screening stage, it's a no-go.
2. Always play protected.
3. Hubby came along on all my dates, and was there during sex. (First few times, he just watched. Only later did he start participating, but this was always his option).
4. We played only with strangers outside our local area and we were looking for one-timers, not repeaters (we changed this rule later on). This helped address his fear that emotions would become involved, and both our fear that friends/family would find out.
5. We tell each other EVERYTHING and there are NO SECRETS. If a bull ever contacted me, I told hubby. There was never any sneaking around. If hubby was ever feeling afraid or jealous, he would tell me and we would talk it out.
6. Related to the rule above, "I'm tired of talking about this" was not a valid reason for ending a conversation. We could agree to talk about things later, but if anything (especially feelings of jealousy or insecurity) came up, we would do our best to talk about it until the other felt reassured.
7. If either of us thought our playing was threatening our marriage at any time, either could put a stop to it immediately.
Here's two more things that aren't rules, but we learned from experience (and helping many new couples get into the lifestyle)...
1. Find an experienced bull who has introduced other couples into the lifestyle. Share your criteria and your concerns with him. If he is experienced, he will know how to handle the situation to make you both more comfortable, e.g., a good bull will take time get to know both of you, put hubby at ease, etc., and will leave immediately after the fucking is done, so that you two can enjoy bonding afterward.
2. We find it can help if the husband doesn't cum until after all the action is over and the bull leaves. Some husbands cum during the action and then get a rush of jealousy, anger, or fear. If you wait till after, you minimize this risk.
It took a lot of work, especially in our early days of sharing, but it has been absolutely worth it for us. It brought us closer together because we share in something that brings us both immense satisfaction. It has deepened our communication and our love for each other.
And then of course there's the orgasms...whole-body, squirting orgasms that roll one into the other for me. And for hubby, he's cum so many times in one session (yes, that's another rule we changed over time) that his balls were literally dry-heaving by the end, and he's cum so hard that he shot his load and hit the ceiling fan!
Hope that helps.
Rena: Hi, would you please talk to my hubby about BBC and my desire for them. I almost have his consent and approval. A little nudge from someone would probably do it.
Em: Hi Rena, It's nice to meet you. I would be happy to talk to your husband. Probably best to set a time to chat, to make sure I'm online and available. Do you have a suggested day/time?
[later]
Rena: Ok. He's here next to me. Talk some sense into his stubborn head please.
Roy: Hi there.This is Roy
Em: Hi Roy. Good to meet you. Your wife Rena sounds like a handful!
Roy: She's a hell on wheels for her size lol.
Em: So what's your hesitation about going through with this?
Roy: Basically I am afraid of losing her
Em: That's a natural fear.
Roy: And at the same time I am also turned on by all of it
Em: My hubby and I have been together for almost 10 years. And we've been sharing for most of that time. It sounds like you two have a solid relationship, which is the most important thing. [This was based on other chats I'd had with Rena between our first chat and this one] Lots of honest talk and open communication. It's great that she can honest about her fantasies and desires and so can you. That's an important first step that many couples never get to.
Roy: So you both have kept things together with each other and are satisfying "our" kink. That's awesome.
Em: Yes we have, and I must say there've been some INCREDIBLE experiences along the way. But it's also been a lot of work to make sure that our marriage takes priority over anything else. That's where groundrules come in.
Roy: You are saying that it's not likely to hurt our marriage? and btw you are right we are solid and open with each other. Makes sense to communicate and have rules for play.
Em: There is always risk in introducing something new into your marriage -- whether it's new friends, a new job, or a move to a new place. This carries risks, too, but communication and rules minimize that risk. Here's some groundrules that helped us when we were starting out...These have changed since then, as we got more comfortable with things, but they were really important at the beginning. Every couple is different, so not all of these may apply to you.
1. Hubby fully participates in screening of any potential playmate. If he says no at the screening stage, it's a no-go.
2. Always play protected.
3. Hubby came along on all my dates, and was there during sex. (First few times, he just watched. Only later did he start participating, but this was always his option).
4. We played only with strangers outside our local area and we were looking for one-timers, not repeaters (we changed this rule later on). This helped address his fear that emotions would become involved, and both our fear that friends/family would find out.
5. We tell each other EVERYTHING and there are NO SECRETS. If a bull ever contacted me, I told hubby. There was never any sneaking around. If hubby was ever feeling afraid or jealous, he would tell me and we would talk it out.
6. Related to the rule above, "I'm tired of talking about this" was not a valid reason for ending a conversation. We could agree to talk about things later, but if anything (especially feelings of jealousy or insecurity) came up, we would do our best to talk about it until the other felt reassured.
7. If either of us thought our playing was threatening our marriage at any time, either could put a stop to it immediately.
Here's two more things that aren't rules, but we learned from experience (and helping many new couples get into the lifestyle)...
1. Find an experienced bull who has introduced other couples into the lifestyle. Share your criteria and your concerns with him. If he is experienced, he will know how to handle the situation to make you both more comfortable, e.g., a good bull will take time get to know both of you, put hubby at ease, etc., and will leave immediately after the fucking is done, so that you two can enjoy bonding afterward.
2. We find it can help if the husband doesn't cum until after all the action is over and the bull leaves. Some husbands cum during the action and then get a rush of jealousy, anger, or fear. If you wait till after, you minimize this risk.
It took a lot of work, especially in our early days of sharing, but it has been absolutely worth it for us. It brought us closer together because we share in something that brings us both immense satisfaction. It has deepened our communication and our love for each other.
And then of course there's the orgasms...whole-body, squirting orgasms that roll one into the other for me. And for hubby, he's cum so many times in one session (yes, that's another rule we changed over time) that his balls were literally dry-heaving by the end, and he's cum so hard that he shot his load and hit the ceiling fan!
Hope that helps.
há 6 anos