I have come across a few people who have no understanding of sarcasm, even when your comments are obviously full of it, so I assume there are likely other words and concepts people may need explained to them as well that they could encounter on this site.

Aussie Kiss
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Greyhound
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat
A vigorous masturbation session.

Beer Coat
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how to get there, and where you've just come from.

Bone of Contention
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal
Your 1st piss at the bar, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Budgie's Tongue
or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

10-Pinter
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

BVH
Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

Cider Visor
Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature
1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappucino
The particularly frothy type of that you get when abroad.

Double Bass
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy
or Rusty Water. .

Flogging On
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

Frigmarole
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

Fu*kShitFu*kShitFu*kShit
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bathroom. If challenged by a staff member, our declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Hefty Cleft
or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

McSplurry
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually not a damn thing in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the club on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR
No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Ass
A woman whose pants are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail
or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper
or Asstronaut. A homosexual.

Beaver Leaver
or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Titanic
A lady who goes down first time out.

Abra-Kebabra
A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

I was just told by someone that all woman hate being spoken to in the third person. In an actual conversation with someone I never use it, but I frequently leave comments to people in the third person to be different from others and to make fun of how trivial and benign most of the comments are. Plus it's quicker to type, conveys exactly what I want to say and gives me a chance to press the '*' key which I otherwise would never use.

Apparently to her, my use of it means I look down on women, hate them and don't care about them. That never would have occured to me since I speak that way to men and women, but I don't want to totally dismiss it. Given I have talked to hundreds of people (if not way more) this way the past couple years this way and only one person has said anything negative about it, I was wondering if she just didn't understand it's a "joke" and the same message is conveyed whether it's in the 3rd person or not OR if it was truly something people take offense to and makes me one of the worse people who ever lived.

"Welcome to the Pornhub Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Prince Shawn. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...

Lineup:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

Bare Belly shows...

Thighs weakens...

Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."

This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to with the enemy.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still with their wives.

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

We have known each other for a year now and while we have definitely had our ups and downs and have ran into a few bumps in the road, I am happy to have had you as a friend. I wish I could say I was always right and handled every situation as perfectly as I would have liked, but I didn't. There are always positives and negatives you can take out of any situation in life so while we are no longer friends, I have learned a great deal about myself and have become a much better person from having known you. =)

You are friendly, kind and caring
Sarcastic, loyal and understanding
Humorous, fun, tomboyish and true
Always there... yeah that's you.

Special, accepting, exciting and wise
Truthful and helpful, with honest blue eyes
Confiding, forgiving, cheerful and bright
Yeah that's you... not one bit of spite.

of a kind, different from others
Generous, charming, but not one that smothers
Optimistic, thoughtful, happy and game
But not just another... in the long chain.

Appreciative, warm and precious like gold
Our friendship won't tarnish or ever grow old
You'll always be there, I know that is true
I'll always be here... always for you.

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

A guy comes home from the bar at 4am in the morning. His wife is and he tries to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley

Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Way

Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive

Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road

Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street

Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave.

Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane

Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don't break the chain. One Man didn't give a and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look , here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT again..."

A workaholic finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"