Gold Stars for Captain Obvious

So I had my status posted as "Vibrators are the best!!!!" and I wasn't really anticipating getting annoyed by the responses to it, but here goes:

Men of xHam, you are correct on the following rhetorical and obvious points -
1) No, my vibrator is not a real penis.

It's like if I said "I love Skittles" and you respond "Yeah, but it's not like eating real fruit". Good job Captain Obvious, gold star for you.

2) No, my vibrator does not have a tongue.

If it were intended to be a substitute for a tongue, why is it shaped like a penis? It's not, so why is a tongue being brought into the conversation?

That's like saying "I like this chair, it's comfy" and then you come in and say "Yeah, but it doesn't have a microwave for heating up pizza on it." Another gold star.

3) No, my vibrator does not shoot cum.

I know there are some that try to simulate this, but it will inevitably lead back to point #1 "No, it's not a real penis". Gold star #3

4) No, my vibrator cannot kiss me.

Again, my vibrator is not shaped like a mouth. So it will not have any mouth for kissing or tongue for licking. Another gold star for stating the obvious.

5) No, my vibrator cannot take me out to dinner, buy me clothes, spend money, etc.

If it did magically become alive, got hired, got paid, and took me to dinner, then where does that leave you? Trying to answer a ridiculous scenario that does not, and will not ever exist. So why are we talking about hypotheticals that aren't real? 5/5 on gold stars.

6) "What will you do when it runs out of batteries?"

Obviously throw myself off a bridge because it's the apocalypse and I have nothing left to live for. Or maybe just go steal them out of the TV remote like I've done 10 times before in my life. This isn't my first rodeo, and apparently it's not yours when it comes to asking rhetorical questions. 6 gold stars.


I understand that I probably invited a bit of that upon myself, but it's still annoying when 800 people have the exact same 6 responses/comments to make to me as if they're the first person in the world to be that clever.

Is it trying to be clever? Is it insecurity? Is it overly competitive? Jealousy? All of the above?

Why can't you just say "Glad to see you're having fun! Enjoy!"

It's not a contest, it's comparing apples and oranges. I don't need 800 Captain Obvious-es flocking around saying the same 6 things over and over.

So, here's a list of obvious things my vibrator can do that you can't -
1) My vibrator can spin at 100 rpms.

2) My vibrator doesn't have a mouth that says dumb things.

3) My vibrator can turn off and goes away.

If you've already messaged me something similar to the 6 Captain Obvious things, I don't need/want an apology.

I just want you to realize that girls get 800 messages from 800 different people all trying to be clever, and even the most patient of us have a tolerance level that can be broken.