Oral Pleasures
Blowjobs don’t get the greatest depictions in the media, especially in porn. There’s lots of mouth-fucking, forced gagging, and getting ejaculated on, but in real life, blowjobs can be an incredibly fun experience for the giver. Here’s how to give a great blowjob and enjoy it at the same time.
Get comfortable
On average, men take three to five minutes to orgasm, so you don’t usually need to worry about finding a position that will be comfortable for the long haul. Still, you want to find a position that feels good for you. It’s generally easiest to be on your knees (put a blanket or pillow underneath if you’re on a hard surface), in between their legs. He can be sitting on the edge of the bed or sofa (he can lie back if he wants), or standing. Being able to watch is an extremely hot part of the process, so it’s nice to give them a good view. You can even position yourselves in front of a mirror if you really want to play up the voyeuristic aspect, so both of you can watch.
Get right to it
You can warm up a bit by rubbing their dick over their underwear with your hand, but try to get to work relatively quickly. Most men I’ve spoken with don’t like an excessive amount of teasing, and it can even feels a little uncomfortable or ticklish. If you’re going to tease, try slipping a tongue or finger beneath the waistband of their underwear before pulling them off, or holding their dick in your hand while you ask them what they want you to do with it. If he’s not fully hard right after you take off their clothes, take advantage of the situation by taking their entire penis into your mouth and swirling your tongue around it while he grows bigger. It might be the only time you’re able to get the full thing in your mouth, so have fun. If he’s already erect, start at the base of their penis and make a few long, slow licks from the base to the tip. Keep your tongue broad and flat.
Find your rhythm in your basic movement
Once you’re ready to get down to business, you’ll want to get their dick nice and wet and establish a good baseline technique. Slide your mouth up and down their penis a few times, keeping your tongue pressed against the underside of their dick. You want to try to maintain a tight seal with your mouth, without allowing any contact with your teeth. Try to gather up as much saliva as you can, and slowly let it fall out of your mouth as you traverse their dick. Don’t worry about getting too sloppy at this point; the wetter the better.
Once you’ve gotten them lubed up, use your hand and mouth in tandem. Most people’s mouths aren’t big enough to accommodate an average-sized penis, so your hand is essential for coverage. Use it to stimulate the majority of the shaft, and your mouth to stimulate the head. The shaft tends to be the least-sensitive part of the penis, so you can use more pressure than you might think. The head of the penis is much more fine-tuned to stimulation, so your warm, wet mouth will be gladly welcomed. Firmly wrap your dominant hand around the base of their penis, like you’re giving it a good handshake. Bring your lips down to meet your hand. Pretend that your mouth and your fist are glued together, and move up and down their penis for a minute or two. This will be your standard move that you can return to at any point.
Get the balls involved
The testicles are often criminally neglected during oral. As soon as you feel comfortable with your basic technique, start paying some attention to the balls. You can do this with either your hand or your mouth.
First, take their entire scrotum into your non-dominant hand. Testicles are sensitive, so you’ll need to find a good balance between grasping firmly enough (too light will feel ticklish), and not being too rough. Roll the balls around in your hand while you continue sucking dick. Give the whole sack a few soft tugs. Then try focusing on their balls with your mouth. Keep your hand going on their penis as you lick all around their testicles with a broad, flat tongue. Try taking each ball in your mouth for a minute. You can also try licking in between the balls, going all the way from the back of their scrotum to the front.
Explore other techniques
Once you’ve settled into your basic stroke, it’s time to shake things up a bit. Most men enjoy variety during a blowjob, but just like with cunnilingus, everyone likes different things. Use this exploratory time to try to get a sense of what he enjoys best. Try out two different techniques and ask them, “what do you like better? This? Or this?” Or pay attention to moaning or to the way your partner’s body moves to get a sense of what’s working.
Here are some things to try:
• Try moving your tongue around on the underside of the penis while you do your basic up-and-down maneuver.
• Spend a little time focusing on the frenulum, which is the seam on the underside of their penis. For many, this is the most sensitive area. Make your tongue pointy, and lick up and down or side to side.
• Try sucking directly on the frenulum itself.
• Hold the base of the penis in your hand while you move your lips back and forth over the ridge between the head of the penis and shaft. You’ll only need to move about an inch.
• Do the basic stroke with your hand and mouth, but turn your wrist back and forth as you move up and down.
• Gently slap the penis on your tongue. This is a good move to try if your jaw needs a little break.
• For a longer respite, you can rub your partner’s dick over your lips, face, or breasts (if you have ‘em).
• Alternate between using just your mouth and using just your hand.
You’ll want to try out a few different things, but there’s no need to maniacally careen through 50 techniques in one sitting. Take your time exploring.
Go for the asshole
It’s sad enough that the balls get so overlooked, but what really brings a tear to my eye is all of those poor neglected buttholes out there. Gay men are usually clued in to the magic of the asshole, but straight men can often be more squeamish; the anus is still pretty taboo in our society, but it’s past time we all get over it. Your asshole feels good, people.
Still, I recommend getting explicit permission from your partner instead of just gunning for their butt. If your partner is a little shy or unsure, try stimulating the perineum, which is the strip of skin between the balls and asshole (otherwise known as the taint, or grundle). It’s not the asshole itself, so your partner may feel more comfortable being stimulated there. The perineum usually responds best to firm pressure, so try pressing a single knuckle into that area. You can try kneading the skin with your knuckle, or you can simply exert pressure.
If your partner is up for anal play, you’ll need to use some lube. I think silicone lube works best in this instance. Put a dab on your pointer finger, and slowly run your finger up and down your partner’s crack. Depending on how much hair is back there, it might take a few tries to actually locate the asshole, but once you’ve found it, you can simply press your fingertip against the opening. If your partner pushes their hips against your hand, try slowly inserting your finger. You don’t need to go in that far; even just an inch or two works. Gently slide your finger in and out.
If you’ve got this down, you can go for the gold standard of great blowjobs—a finger in the asshole, the remaining fingers of that hand wrapped around the balls, the other hand on the dick, and the dick in the mouth. Expect a blown load in no time. Seriously, anal play can really speed things up.
Decide what comes after
Ah, the age old swallow or spit debate. One of my bottom lines as a sex ther****t is that we all get to make our own decisions about what feels right for our sex lives. If you’re genuinely uncomfortable with swallowing, keep a box of tissues nearby and discretely spit into them when finished. If your partner is into being messy, you can make a show of it by letting the semen slip out of your mouth and onto them.
I’d also invite the spitters out there to consider the Golden Rule. How would you feel watching your partner leap up right after you were finished, and try to get rid of your juices as quickly as possible? It would be hard not to feel self-conscious about your genitals, and we all have enough of that already, don’t we? Genital fluids aren’t meant to taste incredible, but all we’re talking about is a quick swallow of a few teaspoons. Plus, it can quickly turn into an acquired taste.
Enthusiasm is king
If there’s one tip you should walk away from this entire article with, it’s that enthusiasm is the best quality in an incredible blowjob. There’s nothing better than knowing your partner is genuinely enjoying having your dick in their mouth.
One of the most effective ways you can show your enthusiasm is by initiating the blowjob. Surprise them when he walks in the door or when he wakes up in the morning. If you’re sitting around watching another Netflix marathon, tell them, “you know, I’d rather have your dick in my mouth right now.” When you’re out at dinner, whisper, “can we please get out of here? I need to wrap my lips around your dick as soon as possible.” Keep that enthusiasm going once you’re mid blowjob. Moan loudly and energetically. Look them in the eyes and smile. Take their penis out of your mouth and rub it all over your body. Keep telling them how hot it makes you to be pleasuring them.
You’ll know when you’ve really turned a corner with your blowjob technique when you do genuinely enjoy it. Because really, is there any better feeling than knowing you’re fully in control of bringing an exquisite amount of pleasure to someone else?
Become a Cunnilingus Master
Cunnilingus has an undeserved reputation as one of the trickiest sexual acts to perform well. I think this characterization is grounded in cultural judgments of the vulva as being “complicated” and “mysterious.” Let’s lay this unfair reputation to rest with some straightforward advice on performing awesome cunnilingus.
For this guide, I’ve enlisted the help of Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman. As a sex ther****t, I’ve read a lot of sexual advice books. She Comes First easily ranks in my personal top five. Most sex books are too vague to actually be useful, but Kerner covers every aspect of cunnilingus in detail, and gives tons of specific techniques. Kerner had a personal stake in honing his oral sex technique, too—he bravely admits in the opening chapter that his struggles with premature ejaculation motivated him to find other ways of pleasing his partners. So, with his advice, here’s a step-by-step guide to learning how to give your partner great head.
*Please note that while Kerner’s book is written for men, his advice works for women who perform cunnilingus too.
First: Put your partner at ease
A lot of people simply don’t feel comfortable receiving oral sex. For some women in particular, this is due to insecurities about their scent or taste, or their internalized beliefs that their genitals are “ugly.” Some worry that their partners are finding the experience unpleasant. Others dislike being the center of attention, or find themselves unable to relax when receiving. Women are socialized to be hypercritical of their bodies, so having your eyes, nose, and mouth right in the middle of one of the most sensitive parts of it is going to evoke at least a little resistance.
You’re not going to be able to completely change your partner’s relationship with their body in one fell tongue-swoop, but you can make a special effort to help them feel more at ease. Kerner says part of doing so involves changing your own perceptions of oral sex. One of the biggest misconceptions about cunnilingus is that “‘outercourse’ is less satisfying than ‘intercourse’.” For many, oral sex is the most physically pleasurable sexual act. It’s not “foreplay” in the sense that you spend a few minutes on it, then move on to the “main course.” When you offer to go down on someone, make it clear that you’re taking this activity seriously, and are excited to do it.
Kerner has a chapter called “The Cunnlingus Manifesto,” which includes three important guidelines for helping you and your partner enjoy the experience even more:
Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.
There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.
Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful. It all emanates from the same, beautiful essence.
If you can convey each of these beliefs in a sincere way, you’re miles ahead of most people!
Get comfortable: You’re in it for the long haul
Taking your time is another great way to help your partner feel more relaxed and excited about what you have in store. The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so you don’t want to dive in right away. Kerner recommends spending plenty of time “kissing, hugging, touching, and sharing fantasies,” and making sure your partner is aroused before starting to make your way between their legs. Once you’re down there, continue taking your time. Kerner says to “start with light vertical licks from bottom to top.”
It takes women 20 minutes on average to reach orgasm, so it’s important that you settle in for the journey, too:
Make sure your body is supported and that you’re stretched out and recumbent. You want your gums and tongue more at a 45 degree angle than 90 degrees, which is more comfortable. Let her do some of the work by pressing her body into your gum line. Her legs should be close enough together that you can lean to the right or left and rest your head comfortably against her leg while never missing a lick.
If you’re not a fan of laying on your stomach, you can try kneeling at the foot of the bed between their legs. Whatever you do, just make sure you’re prepared to take your time.
Hone in on a routine, but err on the side of caution
Kerner’s clients have some hilarious descriptions of the oral sex their partners performed. One woman complained that her partner treated cunnilingus like “the running of the bulls in Spain—a mad stampede for the clit.” Another said it felt like a “cobra defending itself from a mongoose.” Continuing the colorful metaphor trend, Kerner says, “Think of your tongue like the fluttering of gentle butterfly wings or like a thick wet magic marker carefully drawing a still-life.” Translation: it’s better to be gentle and methodical than too rough or overly acrobatic.
That means you have to find a method that works and stick with it. One of the things I like best about She Comes First is that Kerner goes through detailed routines of strokes and techniques, in specific order. There’s no fluff like, “just keep licking!” Everything is laid out for you. I asked Kerner for a basic routine to start with, and he gladly obliged:
Spread her labia and focus on licking the area of the front commissure, just above the glans (the clitoris). Use the index finger of your free hand to occasionally intersperse horizontal finger strokes across the glans with vertical tongue strokes.
As her arousal is increasing, you can insert a single finger, or possibly two. Use your tongue at first to enhance arousal and then a finger to complement and push arousal to the next stage. Don’t try to “fuck” her vagina with either tongue or fingers. Press your fingers upwards into her G-spot, while applying persistent licks.
With your free hand, you can touch her breasts, gently squeeze her nipples, caress her stomach or place under a butt cheek for support.
This is a straightforward technique that can serve as a great place to start, but keep in mind that every person likes different things when it comes to cunnilingus. Some like oral and manual stimulation at the same time, while others don’t. Some orgasm best from tongue circles around the clitoris, others prefer a light sucking motion. Kerner recommends watching and listening to their reactions to find what works best, but there’s another old standby that works just as well (if not better): ask your partner! If they know what they like, they’ll probably gladly tell you. And if you two haven’t become comfortable talking about sex yet, we’ve written about how to get better—even if you’re shy.
Pay special attention to the commissure
Kerner’s approach to cunnilingus is unique in focusing on the commissure, which is the area right above the clitoris and clitoral hood. It’s a smooth area of skin that tends to get ignored, due to its proximity to the obviously more infamous clitoris. In his chapters on female anatomy, Kerner talks about the fact that pressure on the commissure can stimulate some of the internal fibers of the clitoris. Here’s one of Kerner’s specific technique for the pleasuring the commissure:
Make your mouth into an Elvis Presley snarl and press your gum into her front commissure. Make a seal between your gum and her front commissure. You want to be a bit high above the glans, at a 45 degree angle to her vaginal entrance. Continue to apply persistent licks.
If you’re having a hard time visualizing this, think about what your lips look like when you’re taking a bite out of an apple (minus the teeth of course!).
Prepare for orgasm
As your partner starts nearing orgasm, Kerner advises pulling their legs closer together to increase the stimulation. But there’s one thing, above all else, that you should remember as they gets close to orgasm: do not change what you’re doing in terms of routine and pacing. Do not let yourself get sped up by their rising intensity. Keep being deliberate and methodical. Consistency is key for most women, so once you’ve found something that works, stick to it and do not stray from the path! If you do, you may have a very frustrated partner on your hands.
The clitoris is extremely sensitive after orgasm, so give your partner a chance to cool down and settle back in before attempting any other action. Say how much you enjoyed lavishing attention on their beautiful body, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.
Get comfortable
On average, men take three to five minutes to orgasm, so you don’t usually need to worry about finding a position that will be comfortable for the long haul. Still, you want to find a position that feels good for you. It’s generally easiest to be on your knees (put a blanket or pillow underneath if you’re on a hard surface), in between their legs. He can be sitting on the edge of the bed or sofa (he can lie back if he wants), or standing. Being able to watch is an extremely hot part of the process, so it’s nice to give them a good view. You can even position yourselves in front of a mirror if you really want to play up the voyeuristic aspect, so both of you can watch.
Get right to it
You can warm up a bit by rubbing their dick over their underwear with your hand, but try to get to work relatively quickly. Most men I’ve spoken with don’t like an excessive amount of teasing, and it can even feels a little uncomfortable or ticklish. If you’re going to tease, try slipping a tongue or finger beneath the waistband of their underwear before pulling them off, or holding their dick in your hand while you ask them what they want you to do with it. If he’s not fully hard right after you take off their clothes, take advantage of the situation by taking their entire penis into your mouth and swirling your tongue around it while he grows bigger. It might be the only time you’re able to get the full thing in your mouth, so have fun. If he’s already erect, start at the base of their penis and make a few long, slow licks from the base to the tip. Keep your tongue broad and flat.
Find your rhythm in your basic movement
Once you’re ready to get down to business, you’ll want to get their dick nice and wet and establish a good baseline technique. Slide your mouth up and down their penis a few times, keeping your tongue pressed against the underside of their dick. You want to try to maintain a tight seal with your mouth, without allowing any contact with your teeth. Try to gather up as much saliva as you can, and slowly let it fall out of your mouth as you traverse their dick. Don’t worry about getting too sloppy at this point; the wetter the better.
Once you’ve gotten them lubed up, use your hand and mouth in tandem. Most people’s mouths aren’t big enough to accommodate an average-sized penis, so your hand is essential for coverage. Use it to stimulate the majority of the shaft, and your mouth to stimulate the head. The shaft tends to be the least-sensitive part of the penis, so you can use more pressure than you might think. The head of the penis is much more fine-tuned to stimulation, so your warm, wet mouth will be gladly welcomed. Firmly wrap your dominant hand around the base of their penis, like you’re giving it a good handshake. Bring your lips down to meet your hand. Pretend that your mouth and your fist are glued together, and move up and down their penis for a minute or two. This will be your standard move that you can return to at any point.
Get the balls involved
The testicles are often criminally neglected during oral. As soon as you feel comfortable with your basic technique, start paying some attention to the balls. You can do this with either your hand or your mouth.
First, take their entire scrotum into your non-dominant hand. Testicles are sensitive, so you’ll need to find a good balance between grasping firmly enough (too light will feel ticklish), and not being too rough. Roll the balls around in your hand while you continue sucking dick. Give the whole sack a few soft tugs. Then try focusing on their balls with your mouth. Keep your hand going on their penis as you lick all around their testicles with a broad, flat tongue. Try taking each ball in your mouth for a minute. You can also try licking in between the balls, going all the way from the back of their scrotum to the front.
Explore other techniques
Once you’ve settled into your basic stroke, it’s time to shake things up a bit. Most men enjoy variety during a blowjob, but just like with cunnilingus, everyone likes different things. Use this exploratory time to try to get a sense of what he enjoys best. Try out two different techniques and ask them, “what do you like better? This? Or this?” Or pay attention to moaning or to the way your partner’s body moves to get a sense of what’s working.
Here are some things to try:
• Try moving your tongue around on the underside of the penis while you do your basic up-and-down maneuver.
• Spend a little time focusing on the frenulum, which is the seam on the underside of their penis. For many, this is the most sensitive area. Make your tongue pointy, and lick up and down or side to side.
• Try sucking directly on the frenulum itself.
• Hold the base of the penis in your hand while you move your lips back and forth over the ridge between the head of the penis and shaft. You’ll only need to move about an inch.
• Do the basic stroke with your hand and mouth, but turn your wrist back and forth as you move up and down.
• Gently slap the penis on your tongue. This is a good move to try if your jaw needs a little break.
• For a longer respite, you can rub your partner’s dick over your lips, face, or breasts (if you have ‘em).
• Alternate between using just your mouth and using just your hand.
You’ll want to try out a few different things, but there’s no need to maniacally careen through 50 techniques in one sitting. Take your time exploring.
Go for the asshole
It’s sad enough that the balls get so overlooked, but what really brings a tear to my eye is all of those poor neglected buttholes out there. Gay men are usually clued in to the magic of the asshole, but straight men can often be more squeamish; the anus is still pretty taboo in our society, but it’s past time we all get over it. Your asshole feels good, people.
Still, I recommend getting explicit permission from your partner instead of just gunning for their butt. If your partner is a little shy or unsure, try stimulating the perineum, which is the strip of skin between the balls and asshole (otherwise known as the taint, or grundle). It’s not the asshole itself, so your partner may feel more comfortable being stimulated there. The perineum usually responds best to firm pressure, so try pressing a single knuckle into that area. You can try kneading the skin with your knuckle, or you can simply exert pressure.
If your partner is up for anal play, you’ll need to use some lube. I think silicone lube works best in this instance. Put a dab on your pointer finger, and slowly run your finger up and down your partner’s crack. Depending on how much hair is back there, it might take a few tries to actually locate the asshole, but once you’ve found it, you can simply press your fingertip against the opening. If your partner pushes their hips against your hand, try slowly inserting your finger. You don’t need to go in that far; even just an inch or two works. Gently slide your finger in and out.
If you’ve got this down, you can go for the gold standard of great blowjobs—a finger in the asshole, the remaining fingers of that hand wrapped around the balls, the other hand on the dick, and the dick in the mouth. Expect a blown load in no time. Seriously, anal play can really speed things up.
Decide what comes after
Ah, the age old swallow or spit debate. One of my bottom lines as a sex ther****t is that we all get to make our own decisions about what feels right for our sex lives. If you’re genuinely uncomfortable with swallowing, keep a box of tissues nearby and discretely spit into them when finished. If your partner is into being messy, you can make a show of it by letting the semen slip out of your mouth and onto them.
I’d also invite the spitters out there to consider the Golden Rule. How would you feel watching your partner leap up right after you were finished, and try to get rid of your juices as quickly as possible? It would be hard not to feel self-conscious about your genitals, and we all have enough of that already, don’t we? Genital fluids aren’t meant to taste incredible, but all we’re talking about is a quick swallow of a few teaspoons. Plus, it can quickly turn into an acquired taste.
Enthusiasm is king
If there’s one tip you should walk away from this entire article with, it’s that enthusiasm is the best quality in an incredible blowjob. There’s nothing better than knowing your partner is genuinely enjoying having your dick in their mouth.
One of the most effective ways you can show your enthusiasm is by initiating the blowjob. Surprise them when he walks in the door or when he wakes up in the morning. If you’re sitting around watching another Netflix marathon, tell them, “you know, I’d rather have your dick in my mouth right now.” When you’re out at dinner, whisper, “can we please get out of here? I need to wrap my lips around your dick as soon as possible.” Keep that enthusiasm going once you’re mid blowjob. Moan loudly and energetically. Look them in the eyes and smile. Take their penis out of your mouth and rub it all over your body. Keep telling them how hot it makes you to be pleasuring them.
You’ll know when you’ve really turned a corner with your blowjob technique when you do genuinely enjoy it. Because really, is there any better feeling than knowing you’re fully in control of bringing an exquisite amount of pleasure to someone else?
Become a Cunnilingus Master
Cunnilingus has an undeserved reputation as one of the trickiest sexual acts to perform well. I think this characterization is grounded in cultural judgments of the vulva as being “complicated” and “mysterious.” Let’s lay this unfair reputation to rest with some straightforward advice on performing awesome cunnilingus.
For this guide, I’ve enlisted the help of Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman. As a sex ther****t, I’ve read a lot of sexual advice books. She Comes First easily ranks in my personal top five. Most sex books are too vague to actually be useful, but Kerner covers every aspect of cunnilingus in detail, and gives tons of specific techniques. Kerner had a personal stake in honing his oral sex technique, too—he bravely admits in the opening chapter that his struggles with premature ejaculation motivated him to find other ways of pleasing his partners. So, with his advice, here’s a step-by-step guide to learning how to give your partner great head.
*Please note that while Kerner’s book is written for men, his advice works for women who perform cunnilingus too.
First: Put your partner at ease
A lot of people simply don’t feel comfortable receiving oral sex. For some women in particular, this is due to insecurities about their scent or taste, or their internalized beliefs that their genitals are “ugly.” Some worry that their partners are finding the experience unpleasant. Others dislike being the center of attention, or find themselves unable to relax when receiving. Women are socialized to be hypercritical of their bodies, so having your eyes, nose, and mouth right in the middle of one of the most sensitive parts of it is going to evoke at least a little resistance.
You’re not going to be able to completely change your partner’s relationship with their body in one fell tongue-swoop, but you can make a special effort to help them feel more at ease. Kerner says part of doing so involves changing your own perceptions of oral sex. One of the biggest misconceptions about cunnilingus is that “‘outercourse’ is less satisfying than ‘intercourse’.” For many, oral sex is the most physically pleasurable sexual act. It’s not “foreplay” in the sense that you spend a few minutes on it, then move on to the “main course.” When you offer to go down on someone, make it clear that you’re taking this activity seriously, and are excited to do it.
Kerner has a chapter called “The Cunnlingus Manifesto,” which includes three important guidelines for helping you and your partner enjoy the experience even more:
Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.
There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.
Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful. It all emanates from the same, beautiful essence.
If you can convey each of these beliefs in a sincere way, you’re miles ahead of most people!
Get comfortable: You’re in it for the long haul
Taking your time is another great way to help your partner feel more relaxed and excited about what you have in store. The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so you don’t want to dive in right away. Kerner recommends spending plenty of time “kissing, hugging, touching, and sharing fantasies,” and making sure your partner is aroused before starting to make your way between their legs. Once you’re down there, continue taking your time. Kerner says to “start with light vertical licks from bottom to top.”
It takes women 20 minutes on average to reach orgasm, so it’s important that you settle in for the journey, too:
Make sure your body is supported and that you’re stretched out and recumbent. You want your gums and tongue more at a 45 degree angle than 90 degrees, which is more comfortable. Let her do some of the work by pressing her body into your gum line. Her legs should be close enough together that you can lean to the right or left and rest your head comfortably against her leg while never missing a lick.
If you’re not a fan of laying on your stomach, you can try kneeling at the foot of the bed between their legs. Whatever you do, just make sure you’re prepared to take your time.
Hone in on a routine, but err on the side of caution
Kerner’s clients have some hilarious descriptions of the oral sex their partners performed. One woman complained that her partner treated cunnilingus like “the running of the bulls in Spain—a mad stampede for the clit.” Another said it felt like a “cobra defending itself from a mongoose.” Continuing the colorful metaphor trend, Kerner says, “Think of your tongue like the fluttering of gentle butterfly wings or like a thick wet magic marker carefully drawing a still-life.” Translation: it’s better to be gentle and methodical than too rough or overly acrobatic.
That means you have to find a method that works and stick with it. One of the things I like best about She Comes First is that Kerner goes through detailed routines of strokes and techniques, in specific order. There’s no fluff like, “just keep licking!” Everything is laid out for you. I asked Kerner for a basic routine to start with, and he gladly obliged:
Spread her labia and focus on licking the area of the front commissure, just above the glans (the clitoris). Use the index finger of your free hand to occasionally intersperse horizontal finger strokes across the glans with vertical tongue strokes.
As her arousal is increasing, you can insert a single finger, or possibly two. Use your tongue at first to enhance arousal and then a finger to complement and push arousal to the next stage. Don’t try to “fuck” her vagina with either tongue or fingers. Press your fingers upwards into her G-spot, while applying persistent licks.
With your free hand, you can touch her breasts, gently squeeze her nipples, caress her stomach or place under a butt cheek for support.
This is a straightforward technique that can serve as a great place to start, but keep in mind that every person likes different things when it comes to cunnilingus. Some like oral and manual stimulation at the same time, while others don’t. Some orgasm best from tongue circles around the clitoris, others prefer a light sucking motion. Kerner recommends watching and listening to their reactions to find what works best, but there’s another old standby that works just as well (if not better): ask your partner! If they know what they like, they’ll probably gladly tell you. And if you two haven’t become comfortable talking about sex yet, we’ve written about how to get better—even if you’re shy.
Pay special attention to the commissure
Kerner’s approach to cunnilingus is unique in focusing on the commissure, which is the area right above the clitoris and clitoral hood. It’s a smooth area of skin that tends to get ignored, due to its proximity to the obviously more infamous clitoris. In his chapters on female anatomy, Kerner talks about the fact that pressure on the commissure can stimulate some of the internal fibers of the clitoris. Here’s one of Kerner’s specific technique for the pleasuring the commissure:
Make your mouth into an Elvis Presley snarl and press your gum into her front commissure. Make a seal between your gum and her front commissure. You want to be a bit high above the glans, at a 45 degree angle to her vaginal entrance. Continue to apply persistent licks.
If you’re having a hard time visualizing this, think about what your lips look like when you’re taking a bite out of an apple (minus the teeth of course!).
Prepare for orgasm
As your partner starts nearing orgasm, Kerner advises pulling their legs closer together to increase the stimulation. But there’s one thing, above all else, that you should remember as they gets close to orgasm: do not change what you’re doing in terms of routine and pacing. Do not let yourself get sped up by their rising intensity. Keep being deliberate and methodical. Consistency is key for most women, so once you’ve found something that works, stick to it and do not stray from the path! If you do, you may have a very frustrated partner on your hands.
The clitoris is extremely sensitive after orgasm, so give your partner a chance to cool down and settle back in before attempting any other action. Say how much you enjoyed lavishing attention on their beautiful body, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.
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