My first video.

I first recorded myself nude in an attempt to discover how it felt to be naked in front of a camera & to understand the psychology of people who appear in (at the time, mostly professional) porn. I felt sure that there must be more to it than mere shameless carnality - What was it that those people got from being filmed having sex ? I know that porn stars (especially the girls) could earn a lot of money from porn but there had to be more to it than that because you don't fuck in front of a room full of people just for money. You might put your shame aside & do it once or twice if you were desperate for money, but to make a career from it I reasoned there had to be some kind of enjoyment apart from what the money brought, & that these people must have enjoyed the *process* of making porn and been getting a kick from that, aside from any other benefits.

So I filmed myself wanking. I'd have preferred to be filmed having sex with someone by a third person but the opportunity for that didn't arise & I had no idea how to engineer it. Perhaps I simply didn't want to do it alone ? Shared guilt ? At the time I had a small number of (female) sexual partners but didn't want to risk alienating or frightening any of them by asking if they fancied making a porn video, so curious (& desperate) to discover the imagined thrill of being in porn I decided just to film myself.
I was nervous as hell about doing it - I'd heard a lot about guys who'd failed in porn because they couldn't get a hard-on when in front of a camera. What if it was the same for me ? How would I deal with it if it was a disappointing experience ? Might I just feel pathetic ? And if I manage to do it, what if someone found the video on my computer ?

Anyway, I swallowed my fears & got on with it. I didn't know what else to do so I just stripped naked & set the camera running. I felt guilty & ashamed of filming myself nude, but at the same time exhilarated. To my relief I got a hard-on so at least I wasn't going to fall at the first hurdle, and I started to wank. Masturbating is one of the most private things we ever do, and something that's "hidden" even though everyone does it, so doing it in front of a camera, feeling very much as if I were being watched was both exciting & toe-curlingly embarrassing. I felt humiliated by the fact that the camera was 'watching' me play with my cock but at the same time proud that I was actually doing it & fulfilling my desire to make a pornographic video, and even though I didn't intend anyone else to see it I wanted to put on a real show because it might be the only time I would do it.

I was surprised at how thrilling it felt to have an orgasm on camera, though it had been one of my prime reasons for making the video in the first place because (obviously) I'd never watched myself during orgasm or seen my own "cum face". Nor had I had more than a glimpse of my spunk flying, but now I had a video that had captured it permanently & which I could slow down or freeze frame to see my sperm 'mid-flight'.

We men have an intriguing relationship with our sperm. One of our rights of passage is the moment in our lives when we start to ejaculate, & we put a premium on the amount we shoot even though it's merely the result of orgasm & has little to do with the intensity of it. We're driven by nature to shoot our spunk into as many people as possible & don't consider sex to be complete unless we cum inside someone, but at the same time it's transitory - We don't really care what happens to our spunk once we've shot it. It's the act of shooting cum that's important, not the sperm itself.

Making the video was a cathartic experience for me, & it kind of emancipated me from so many of the things I'd been brought up to believe I shouldn't do. Physically it had just been a wank like many before, but the presence of the camera made a huge psychological impact in making me feel there was nothing left to hide. I'd broken the "rules" by intentionally making a display of my erect penis, by shamelessly masturbating & having an orgasm "in public", I didn't feel guilty and the world had not howled in protest or derision. Now I understood the thrill of being in porn, & I could do it again !