Fun Penis Facts And Fun Pussy Facts By JIM GOAD
Straight talk About Erections
A healthy male averages 11 erections per day—nine of them while asleep. After ejaculating, it can take him anywhere from two minutes to two weeks to achieve another erection.
Gallons of cum
The average man shoots one to two teaspoons of cum per orgasm. During his life, he will cum over 7,000 times, resulting in 14 gallons o’ jizz, give or take a few drops. Each load contains approximately seven calories, and each spurt whizzes through the air at around 28 MPH.
From shower to grower
On average, a limp penis will increase in volume 300% when it is erect. It will also contain more than eight to ten times its normal amount of blood.
big ones
The biggest erect penis ever recorded was 13.5 inches. Researchers estimate that fewer than 5,000 men on earth have a penis 11 inches or larger.
Small ones
History tells the sad tale of many men whose full erections didn’t even stretch out to a half-inch. Scientists refer to this condition as “micropenis,” which can be surgically remedied to the point where the sufferer can boast of a still-laughable post-op three-inch schween. For every 35 or so pounds that a man gains, his penis will appear an inch smaller. Napoleon was rumored to be totin’ a notoriously small cock, causing him to freak out and attempt conquering the world. The ancient Greeks favored itty-bitty male organs, deeming them more visually pleasing than veiny purple power tools.
The myth is a tiny bit true
The Kinsey Report verified the longstanding rumor that black men have larger penises than whitey. The average black male’s hard-on measures 6.3 inches, leaving the white man far behind at a pitiful mean of 6.2 inches.
Boys will be boys
Male fetuses can sport wood during the third trimester, according to Ultrasound tests.
Smells like a boner
Aromas reputed to increase penile blood flow: licorice, pumpkin pie, lavender, donuts, and chocolate.
Super-duper sperm scooper
Scientists have recently speculated that the head of the human penis evolved into its current “mushroom” shape in order to scoop rival males’ sperm out of the vagina.
Smite there land and sever their penises
Around 1300 B.C., victorious Egyptian troops marched home with more than 13,000 severed Libyan penises. Seven hundred years later, Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar rolled over Jerusalem and sliced off thousands of Jewish weenies.
Testifying on testicles
In pre-biblical times, men would swear on their own penises. The word “testify” is derived from a Roman legal practice of swearing on one’s testicles. The word “penis” comes from the Latin word for “tail.”
Double trouble
In 1609, an Italian physician documented the first case of a man with diphallasparatus two or more penises). This ultra-rare condition has since been found in less than 80 men.
Not so pleased to meet you
Australia’s Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking one another’s penises.
Longest money shot
Medical researchers once recorded a man whose wad sailed a staggering 11.7 feet. The best I can manage is to squirt myself in the face every so often.
What’s another word for dick?
My Favorite Penile Euphemisms
ACTION JACKSON
ALBINO CAVE DWELLER
APPLE-HEADED MONSTER
BALD HERMIT
BALONEY PONY
BAVARIAN BEEFSTICK
BEAVER BUSTER
BEEF BUGLE
BIG JAKE THE ONE-EYED SNAKE
BILBO BAGGINS
blood-ENGORGED MAYONNAISE CANNON
BLOW POP
BOB DOLE
BONE PHONE
BOWLEGGED SWAMP DONKEY
BREAKFAST BURRITO
BUSHWHACKER
CAPTAIN WINKY
CATTLE PROD
CHICKSICLE
CHOWDER DUMPER
CORNDOG
CRIMSON CHITLIN’
CYCLOPS
DANGLING PARTICIPLE
DINGUS
DIPSTICK
DOLPHIN
DOODLE DANDY
DOUGHNUT HOLDER
EL CAPITAN
EXCALIBUR
FALLOPIAN FIDDLER
FLAPDOODLE
FLESHY WINNEBAGO
FUCKSTICK
GASH MALLET
GHERKIN
GIGGLE-STICK
GULLY-RAKER
HE WHO MUST BE OBEYED
HEAT-SEEKING MOISTURE MISSILE
HOG
HOMEWRECKER
HOMO ERECTUS
JOJO THE CIRCUS CLOWN
k**NEY-SC****R
KOJAK
LICKIN’ STICK
LITTLE WILLY
MEAT MUSKET
MENSTRUAL MINER
MR. CLEAN
MR. MOJO RISIN’
MUSCLE OF LOVE
NEBUCHADNEZZAR
OLD BLIND BOB
ONE-EYED JACK
OVARIAN POOL STICK
PAJAMA PYTHON
PURPLE-HEADED WOMB BROOM
RECTUM ROOTER
SCHLONGMASTER 2000
SCHMECKEL
SNAPPER SLAPPER
SQUIRMIN’ HERMAN THE ONE-EYED GERMAN
STRUMPET THUMPER
TACO WARMER
TALLYWHACKER
THUNDERSTICK
TROUSER TROMBONE
VERGA
VERVE PIPE
VLAD THE IMPALER
WEE WILLY WINKY
WHAMMY BAR
WHORE THERMOMETER
WIGGLE STICK
WOMB BROOM
WONGUS
Fun Facts About Pussy:
Canyon cunt
The largest vagina ever recorded is thought to have belonged to seven-foot eight-inch Anna Swan (1846-1888), a long-legged Scottish temptress who once plopped out a 26-pound baby, the biggest bambino recorded in world history. Although I was unable to uncover any recorded evidence of her vagina’s exact dimensions, it’s safe to assume you could comfortably fit a flat-screen TV in there.
Tiny ‘gineys
The annals of medicine are crammed with accounts of women whose functional adult vaginas were less than an inch in depth. Other women are born with little dents in the pubic area rather than fully developed vaginas. Extensive surgery, lubrication, and patience can help ameliorate this problem. The smallest vaginas, though, are the ones that don’t even exist. Roughly one in 5,000 female babies are born sans vagina. How, then, do doctors know they’re female? I suppose because they complain a lot. But surgeons are now able to fashion fake vaginas for these unfortunate infants.
Women are so sensitive
Although most clitorises are far smaller than most penises, they contain twice as many nerve endings as the larger, dumber male organ.
Clits are big enough to be dicks
In 1744, Sir Edward Home described a native woman in the West Indies whose clitoris, when aroused, was three inches long and thicker than a thumb. Around the same time, a Swiss biologist claims to have examined a gal whose swee’pea measured a robust seven inches. And an 1813 account in a French encyclopedia mentions a woman with a 12-inch clitoris resembling “the neck of a goose.”
I got buddha in my vagina
Eastern religions seem generally more cunt-friendly than those in the vadge-hating West. For example, Tantric Buddhism pinpoints the essence of Buddhahood—it nestles within a woman’s private parts. And the word “cunt” is derived from Cunti, one of many titles accorded Hinduism’s bitch-goddess Kali.
Cock stranglers
Although the legend of “vagina dentata”—a pussy with teeth poised to rip off the male organ—is known to be a myth, there is some evidence that certain women have vaginal muscles strong enough to clamp down on the male organ and prevent it from withdrawing. Known clinically as penis captivus, it is thought to be caused by involuntary spasms in the levator ani muscles deep in the vagina, which hold onto the penis head and refuse to let it go until it pays c***d support.
Twice the darkness
In rare cases women are born with two vaginas, which, one presumes, would make them twice as annoying.
Orgasms are good for you
Orgasms alleviate menstrual cramps because the force of the special moment’s muscular contractions helps cleanse the woman’s dainty bits of the gunky fluids that accrete during her cycle. Orgasms also cure headaches because they release endorphins into the bloodstream.
Girl Juices
Like the eye, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ. During a normal menstrual cycle, a woman’s vagina will spew forth a total of two to six tablespoons of blood. During ovulation, her punani will burp up one or two teaspoons of liquid discharge in order to clear the cervix of dead cells. The rest of the month, her cooter will spit forth only a half-teaspoon of fluid per day.
A germ-infested slime pit
The average human girl-gash is host to 15 different strains of bacteria, “good germs” designed to ward off the renegade “bad germs” which can invade a vagina and make life hell for everyone.
Scientists for bush
Some physiologists argue that hairy vaginas prevent friction and create a pleasant cushioning effect during intercourse. A full bush can also retain vaginal odors that some men find enticing. The longest female pubic hair on record measured 28 inches, which is pushing it.
One happy snapper
The world record for most orgasms belongs to a dame who came 134 times in one hour. The longest continuous female orgasm clocked in at 43 seconds and featured 25 contractions.
I thought it was a fire extinguisher
The Hite Report…uh…reported that the phallic object used most often by female masturbators is the candle.
New hope for men with one-inch dicks
The first inch of the vaginal canal is by far the most “pleasure-receptive,” according to Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton.
A CUNT by any Other Name
A list of several delightful words and phrases to use when you really mean to say “vagina”
ABYSS, THE
BEARDED CLAM
BEEF CURTAINS
BIRTH CANNON
BLACK BESS
BLUEBEARD’S CLOSET
BONE YARD
BUM FIDDLE
BUTTER BOAT
CABBAGE FIELD
CAPE HORN
CATCHER’S MITT
CLOVEN TUFT
COCK SOCKET
COD CANAL
COOTER
CRADLE OF FILTH
CREASE
CROTCH COBBLER
CUM DUMPSTER
DEAD-END STREET
DICK SHARPENER
DOODLE SACK
EEL SKINNER
FANCY BIT
FISH FACTORY
FLAMING LIPS
FLESH TUXEDO
FLYTRAP
FOOFY BIRD
FUN TUNNEL
FURBACK TURTLE
GOLDFINCH’S NEST
GOO POT
GRAVY BOAT
GRINDSTONE
GUTTED HAMSTER
HAIRY MANILOW
HAPPY VALLEY
HIDEY HOLE
HOO-HA
JACK STRAW’S CASTLE
KNOB GOBBLER
LADY JANE
LAPLAND
LOBSTER CLAW
MADGE
MAGPIE’S NEST
MANHOLE
MAP OF TASMANIA
MARK OF THE b**st
MEAT MUFFIN
MOOSE KNUCKLE
MOTHER OF ALL SOULS
MOUNT PLEASANT
MUSTARD POT
ORGAN GRINDER
PECAN PATTIE
PENIS PENITENTIARY
PERIWINKLE
PINK CANOE
PUNANI
PIPE CLEANER
PRICK PURSE
QUIVERING QUIM
RED-HAIRED LASS
ROCKET POCKET
RUSTY AXE WOUND
SACAPUNTAS
SALT CELLAR
SAUSAGE WALLET
SCABBARD
SILK IGLOO
SKUNK GUTS
SLOBBERING BULLDOG
SMELLY JELLY HOLE
SNAKE CHARMER
SOUTH POLE
SNAPPER
SPERM HARBOR
SPLIT KNISH
STENCH TRENCH
STICKY BUN
SUGAR BASIN
TAFFY PULLER
TINKLEFLOWER
TROUT BASKET
TUNA TACO
TWAT WAFFLE
UNDER-DIMPLE
VADGE
VERTICAL GRIMACE
VELVET GLOVE
WEENIE WRINGER
WHISKER BISCUIT
WILLY WASHER
WOUND THAT NEVER HEALS, THE
YA-YA
YEAST CAKE
YONI
YUM-YUM TC mark
A healthy male averages 11 erections per day—nine of them while asleep. After ejaculating, it can take him anywhere from two minutes to two weeks to achieve another erection.
Gallons of cum
The average man shoots one to two teaspoons of cum per orgasm. During his life, he will cum over 7,000 times, resulting in 14 gallons o’ jizz, give or take a few drops. Each load contains approximately seven calories, and each spurt whizzes through the air at around 28 MPH.
From shower to grower
On average, a limp penis will increase in volume 300% when it is erect. It will also contain more than eight to ten times its normal amount of blood.
big ones
The biggest erect penis ever recorded was 13.5 inches. Researchers estimate that fewer than 5,000 men on earth have a penis 11 inches or larger.
Small ones
History tells the sad tale of many men whose full erections didn’t even stretch out to a half-inch. Scientists refer to this condition as “micropenis,” which can be surgically remedied to the point where the sufferer can boast of a still-laughable post-op three-inch schween. For every 35 or so pounds that a man gains, his penis will appear an inch smaller. Napoleon was rumored to be totin’ a notoriously small cock, causing him to freak out and attempt conquering the world. The ancient Greeks favored itty-bitty male organs, deeming them more visually pleasing than veiny purple power tools.
The myth is a tiny bit true
The Kinsey Report verified the longstanding rumor that black men have larger penises than whitey. The average black male’s hard-on measures 6.3 inches, leaving the white man far behind at a pitiful mean of 6.2 inches.
Boys will be boys
Male fetuses can sport wood during the third trimester, according to Ultrasound tests.
Smells like a boner
Aromas reputed to increase penile blood flow: licorice, pumpkin pie, lavender, donuts, and chocolate.
Super-duper sperm scooper
Scientists have recently speculated that the head of the human penis evolved into its current “mushroom” shape in order to scoop rival males’ sperm out of the vagina.
Smite there land and sever their penises
Around 1300 B.C., victorious Egyptian troops marched home with more than 13,000 severed Libyan penises. Seven hundred years later, Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar rolled over Jerusalem and sliced off thousands of Jewish weenies.
Testifying on testicles
In pre-biblical times, men would swear on their own penises. The word “testify” is derived from a Roman legal practice of swearing on one’s testicles. The word “penis” comes from the Latin word for “tail.”
Double trouble
In 1609, an Italian physician documented the first case of a man with diphallasparatus two or more penises). This ultra-rare condition has since been found in less than 80 men.
Not so pleased to meet you
Australia’s Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking one another’s penises.
Longest money shot
Medical researchers once recorded a man whose wad sailed a staggering 11.7 feet. The best I can manage is to squirt myself in the face every so often.
What’s another word for dick?
My Favorite Penile Euphemisms
ACTION JACKSON
ALBINO CAVE DWELLER
APPLE-HEADED MONSTER
BALD HERMIT
BALONEY PONY
BAVARIAN BEEFSTICK
BEAVER BUSTER
BEEF BUGLE
BIG JAKE THE ONE-EYED SNAKE
BILBO BAGGINS
blood-ENGORGED MAYONNAISE CANNON
BLOW POP
BOB DOLE
BONE PHONE
BOWLEGGED SWAMP DONKEY
BREAKFAST BURRITO
BUSHWHACKER
CAPTAIN WINKY
CATTLE PROD
CHICKSICLE
CHOWDER DUMPER
CORNDOG
CRIMSON CHITLIN’
CYCLOPS
DANGLING PARTICIPLE
DINGUS
DIPSTICK
DOLPHIN
DOODLE DANDY
DOUGHNUT HOLDER
EL CAPITAN
EXCALIBUR
FALLOPIAN FIDDLER
FLAPDOODLE
FLESHY WINNEBAGO
FUCKSTICK
GASH MALLET
GHERKIN
GIGGLE-STICK
GULLY-RAKER
HE WHO MUST BE OBEYED
HEAT-SEEKING MOISTURE MISSILE
HOG
HOMEWRECKER
HOMO ERECTUS
JOJO THE CIRCUS CLOWN
k**NEY-SC****R
KOJAK
LICKIN’ STICK
LITTLE WILLY
MEAT MUSKET
MENSTRUAL MINER
MR. CLEAN
MR. MOJO RISIN’
MUSCLE OF LOVE
NEBUCHADNEZZAR
OLD BLIND BOB
ONE-EYED JACK
OVARIAN POOL STICK
PAJAMA PYTHON
PURPLE-HEADED WOMB BROOM
RECTUM ROOTER
SCHLONGMASTER 2000
SCHMECKEL
SNAPPER SLAPPER
SQUIRMIN’ HERMAN THE ONE-EYED GERMAN
STRUMPET THUMPER
TACO WARMER
TALLYWHACKER
THUNDERSTICK
TROUSER TROMBONE
VERGA
VERVE PIPE
VLAD THE IMPALER
WEE WILLY WINKY
WHAMMY BAR
WHORE THERMOMETER
WIGGLE STICK
WOMB BROOM
WONGUS
Fun Facts About Pussy:
Canyon cunt
The largest vagina ever recorded is thought to have belonged to seven-foot eight-inch Anna Swan (1846-1888), a long-legged Scottish temptress who once plopped out a 26-pound baby, the biggest bambino recorded in world history. Although I was unable to uncover any recorded evidence of her vagina’s exact dimensions, it’s safe to assume you could comfortably fit a flat-screen TV in there.
Tiny ‘gineys
The annals of medicine are crammed with accounts of women whose functional adult vaginas were less than an inch in depth. Other women are born with little dents in the pubic area rather than fully developed vaginas. Extensive surgery, lubrication, and patience can help ameliorate this problem. The smallest vaginas, though, are the ones that don’t even exist. Roughly one in 5,000 female babies are born sans vagina. How, then, do doctors know they’re female? I suppose because they complain a lot. But surgeons are now able to fashion fake vaginas for these unfortunate infants.
Women are so sensitive
Although most clitorises are far smaller than most penises, they contain twice as many nerve endings as the larger, dumber male organ.
Clits are big enough to be dicks
In 1744, Sir Edward Home described a native woman in the West Indies whose clitoris, when aroused, was three inches long and thicker than a thumb. Around the same time, a Swiss biologist claims to have examined a gal whose swee’pea measured a robust seven inches. And an 1813 account in a French encyclopedia mentions a woman with a 12-inch clitoris resembling “the neck of a goose.”
I got buddha in my vagina
Eastern religions seem generally more cunt-friendly than those in the vadge-hating West. For example, Tantric Buddhism pinpoints the essence of Buddhahood—it nestles within a woman’s private parts. And the word “cunt” is derived from Cunti, one of many titles accorded Hinduism’s bitch-goddess Kali.
Cock stranglers
Although the legend of “vagina dentata”—a pussy with teeth poised to rip off the male organ—is known to be a myth, there is some evidence that certain women have vaginal muscles strong enough to clamp down on the male organ and prevent it from withdrawing. Known clinically as penis captivus, it is thought to be caused by involuntary spasms in the levator ani muscles deep in the vagina, which hold onto the penis head and refuse to let it go until it pays c***d support.
Twice the darkness
In rare cases women are born with two vaginas, which, one presumes, would make them twice as annoying.
Orgasms are good for you
Orgasms alleviate menstrual cramps because the force of the special moment’s muscular contractions helps cleanse the woman’s dainty bits of the gunky fluids that accrete during her cycle. Orgasms also cure headaches because they release endorphins into the bloodstream.
Girl Juices
Like the eye, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ. During a normal menstrual cycle, a woman’s vagina will spew forth a total of two to six tablespoons of blood. During ovulation, her punani will burp up one or two teaspoons of liquid discharge in order to clear the cervix of dead cells. The rest of the month, her cooter will spit forth only a half-teaspoon of fluid per day.
A germ-infested slime pit
The average human girl-gash is host to 15 different strains of bacteria, “good germs” designed to ward off the renegade “bad germs” which can invade a vagina and make life hell for everyone.
Scientists for bush
Some physiologists argue that hairy vaginas prevent friction and create a pleasant cushioning effect during intercourse. A full bush can also retain vaginal odors that some men find enticing. The longest female pubic hair on record measured 28 inches, which is pushing it.
One happy snapper
The world record for most orgasms belongs to a dame who came 134 times in one hour. The longest continuous female orgasm clocked in at 43 seconds and featured 25 contractions.
I thought it was a fire extinguisher
The Hite Report…uh…reported that the phallic object used most often by female masturbators is the candle.
New hope for men with one-inch dicks
The first inch of the vaginal canal is by far the most “pleasure-receptive,” according to Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton.
A CUNT by any Other Name
A list of several delightful words and phrases to use when you really mean to say “vagina”
ABYSS, THE
BEARDED CLAM
BEEF CURTAINS
BIRTH CANNON
BLACK BESS
BLUEBEARD’S CLOSET
BONE YARD
BUM FIDDLE
BUTTER BOAT
CABBAGE FIELD
CAPE HORN
CATCHER’S MITT
CLOVEN TUFT
COCK SOCKET
COD CANAL
COOTER
CRADLE OF FILTH
CREASE
CROTCH COBBLER
CUM DUMPSTER
DEAD-END STREET
DICK SHARPENER
DOODLE SACK
EEL SKINNER
FANCY BIT
FISH FACTORY
FLAMING LIPS
FLESH TUXEDO
FLYTRAP
FOOFY BIRD
FUN TUNNEL
FURBACK TURTLE
GOLDFINCH’S NEST
GOO POT
GRAVY BOAT
GRINDSTONE
GUTTED HAMSTER
HAIRY MANILOW
HAPPY VALLEY
HIDEY HOLE
HOO-HA
JACK STRAW’S CASTLE
KNOB GOBBLER
LADY JANE
LAPLAND
LOBSTER CLAW
MADGE
MAGPIE’S NEST
MANHOLE
MAP OF TASMANIA
MARK OF THE b**st
MEAT MUFFIN
MOOSE KNUCKLE
MOTHER OF ALL SOULS
MOUNT PLEASANT
MUSTARD POT
ORGAN GRINDER
PECAN PATTIE
PENIS PENITENTIARY
PERIWINKLE
PINK CANOE
PUNANI
PIPE CLEANER
PRICK PURSE
QUIVERING QUIM
RED-HAIRED LASS
ROCKET POCKET
RUSTY AXE WOUND
SACAPUNTAS
SALT CELLAR
SAUSAGE WALLET
SCABBARD
SILK IGLOO
SKUNK GUTS
SLOBBERING BULLDOG
SMELLY JELLY HOLE
SNAKE CHARMER
SOUTH POLE
SNAPPER
SPERM HARBOR
SPLIT KNISH
STENCH TRENCH
STICKY BUN
SUGAR BASIN
TAFFY PULLER
TINKLEFLOWER
TROUT BASKET
TUNA TACO
TWAT WAFFLE
UNDER-DIMPLE
VADGE
VERTICAL GRIMACE
VELVET GLOVE
WEENIE WRINGER
WHISKER BISCUIT
WILLY WASHER
WOUND THAT NEVER HEALS, THE
YA-YA
YEAST CAKE
YONI
YUM-YUM TC mark
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