20 Weeks, 141 days without orgasm. 5 weeks to go.
20 weeks without orgasm. 5 weeks to go. Every sane person would think that I would long for the day my chastity is over and how pleased I am that I have managed to get 80% of it behind me. But the sad truth is, I am anxious and scared about what happens. I am a at a point where my keyholder doesn't even put much effort in controlling me as there is no need for it. I start to think that it will have to be the other way around at xmas, that he has to make sure I have an orgasm instead of just staying without it longer.
The penis pump is another thing that looking back I should have used from the start. It works pretty well in filling my penis with blood, making it easier to stimulate and keep the erection going as the getting it hard at all has been such a tough struggle in the past months. If I could or would start this experience all over again, I would have bought a proper, effective prostate massager and a penis pump from the start.
That's the main things did wrong from the start of this experience.
First of all I underestimated the importance of proper prostate milking. The result was the prostatitis and major problems with constant pre-cum dripping for weeks, probably the pressure of the filled prostate added to arousal levels at the start too.
Then I spent too much time and effort having my penis edged which unnecessarily kept arousal levels higher than they needed to be, when all it should have done was maintaining the functionality of the penis ability to have erections. The penis pump would have saved us hours of stimulating my penis. With the penis pump I will get an erection without having to be really horny. That could have made that really hard phase between week 4 and 6 a lot easier I guess.
Then again no one can blame me for my mistakes as my experience is so much different from "normal" long term chastity, where constant arousal is a vital part of it, something I wanted to overcome from the start.
One thing that I an not very happy with happened in the last weeks. I received a proper discipline spanking with a good hard dose of the cane to top it up. It was horrible, the worst I ever had. There has always been a lot of screaming and crying, but this was exceptionally bad. Unlike discipline sessions in the past where I felt very calm and felt like I needed and deserved the discipline, even though it was pure agony during it, this feels very different. I no longer feel like that naughty, too horny for his own good boy that has it coming, I feel just violated. I no longer have this dirty, overblown sex drive that drove me to binge masturbation and porn watching, so I don't feel the need to get punished.
While on one hand I would think this is great as I don't need to get caned that I can't sit without flinching for week any more, I do feel sad because that comfortable, warm feeling that the throbbing bottom and the stern talking to after a
proper punishment is something I do miss. It may sound crazy, but looking back now, having to kneel in the corner, nose touching the wall, not being allowed to rub that agonizing sting out of my cheeks, I hated this but I also always felt that I belonged in that corner.
My unhappiness about my constant masturbation caused the need to be disciplined, I wanted a strong dominant man to sort this out the hard and painful way. This is what made me, who is not masochistic and never enjoyed the pain at all so truly submissive. Now that my sex drive is completely suppressed, me being a submissive is gone too. This does make me feel uprooted. Over a strong mans lap, on my knees, that is what I always felt I belong and the chastity has taken that from me. It has also taken that admiration and respect I once had for dominant older men away to some extent, and that is something my disciplinarian truly deserves. I hate that I don't feel like this towards him any more.
On a positive note, had another prostate checkup and it is almost back to normal with another big improvement of the size of the gland.
Other things that come to mind, my gym performance stalled for good, maybe I just hit a natural plateau what my body is capable, but with such low testosterone it more likely this is what causes it.
So this balance of negative and positive experiences with chastity makes it hard to think about what comes next.
I do want to feel submissive again, I do want to have higher testosterone to have more energy and drive in my daily life. I do want orgasms again, I don't miss having them with this lack of sex drive but yeah, shooting a nice load it great so I would like them back in my life. BUT I don't want to go back where I was, just horny enough to want an orgasm every other day, maybe jack off once in a while, enough to feel like getting a good hard spanking is justified.
I hope to give another 1 or 2 posts until Christmas and then keep this running to check the time after I am having ejaculations again to document how my sex drive and habits develop in the weeks after.
140 days still don't feel like it though. the 21 days I had as a maximum before seemed like an eternity in hell. Sometimes I feel like it should have been a year, but then again, how do you know what time periods are okay to see true change without any permanent damage? I will stick to Christmas as end date and see how things go for now. No doubt the 5 weeks until then will fly way too fast.
The penis pump is another thing that looking back I should have used from the start. It works pretty well in filling my penis with blood, making it easier to stimulate and keep the erection going as the getting it hard at all has been such a tough struggle in the past months. If I could or would start this experience all over again, I would have bought a proper, effective prostate massager and a penis pump from the start.
That's the main things did wrong from the start of this experience.
First of all I underestimated the importance of proper prostate milking. The result was the prostatitis and major problems with constant pre-cum dripping for weeks, probably the pressure of the filled prostate added to arousal levels at the start too.
Then I spent too much time and effort having my penis edged which unnecessarily kept arousal levels higher than they needed to be, when all it should have done was maintaining the functionality of the penis ability to have erections. The penis pump would have saved us hours of stimulating my penis. With the penis pump I will get an erection without having to be really horny. That could have made that really hard phase between week 4 and 6 a lot easier I guess.
Then again no one can blame me for my mistakes as my experience is so much different from "normal" long term chastity, where constant arousal is a vital part of it, something I wanted to overcome from the start.
One thing that I an not very happy with happened in the last weeks. I received a proper discipline spanking with a good hard dose of the cane to top it up. It was horrible, the worst I ever had. There has always been a lot of screaming and crying, but this was exceptionally bad. Unlike discipline sessions in the past where I felt very calm and felt like I needed and deserved the discipline, even though it was pure agony during it, this feels very different. I no longer feel like that naughty, too horny for his own good boy that has it coming, I feel just violated. I no longer have this dirty, overblown sex drive that drove me to binge masturbation and porn watching, so I don't feel the need to get punished.
While on one hand I would think this is great as I don't need to get caned that I can't sit without flinching for week any more, I do feel sad because that comfortable, warm feeling that the throbbing bottom and the stern talking to after a
proper punishment is something I do miss. It may sound crazy, but looking back now, having to kneel in the corner, nose touching the wall, not being allowed to rub that agonizing sting out of my cheeks, I hated this but I also always felt that I belonged in that corner.
My unhappiness about my constant masturbation caused the need to be disciplined, I wanted a strong dominant man to sort this out the hard and painful way. This is what made me, who is not masochistic and never enjoyed the pain at all so truly submissive. Now that my sex drive is completely suppressed, me being a submissive is gone too. This does make me feel uprooted. Over a strong mans lap, on my knees, that is what I always felt I belong and the chastity has taken that from me. It has also taken that admiration and respect I once had for dominant older men away to some extent, and that is something my disciplinarian truly deserves. I hate that I don't feel like this towards him any more.
On a positive note, had another prostate checkup and it is almost back to normal with another big improvement of the size of the gland.
Other things that come to mind, my gym performance stalled for good, maybe I just hit a natural plateau what my body is capable, but with such low testosterone it more likely this is what causes it.
So this balance of negative and positive experiences with chastity makes it hard to think about what comes next.
I do want to feel submissive again, I do want to have higher testosterone to have more energy and drive in my daily life. I do want orgasms again, I don't miss having them with this lack of sex drive but yeah, shooting a nice load it great so I would like them back in my life. BUT I don't want to go back where I was, just horny enough to want an orgasm every other day, maybe jack off once in a while, enough to feel like getting a good hard spanking is justified.
I hope to give another 1 or 2 posts until Christmas and then keep this running to check the time after I am having ejaculations again to document how my sex drive and habits develop in the weeks after.
140 days still don't feel like it though. the 21 days I had as a maximum before seemed like an eternity in hell. Sometimes I feel like it should have been a year, but then again, how do you know what time periods are okay to see true change without any permanent damage? I will stick to Christmas as end date and see how things go for now. No doubt the 5 weeks until then will fly way too fast.
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