Bullshit mountain

This is a test. My browser seems to shut down every five minutes. I don't know if I can blog. This is my first time using one note. I must buy microsoft word as soon as possible. I can't even find the save button on this program. All I want to do is write. But, I'm scared of losing work.

I wanted to dive into a fictional sex story. Yet, the fear of writing it and losing the damn thing scares the shit out of me. I guess I'll give a quick update and then attempt a trip down memory lane. I patched things up with dusty. He has been incredible lately. I got my ass to the shrink. My shrink set me up on some new anti-depressant.

It's good shit. I feel like a new woman. I was feeling pretty rough awhile back. It was hard to chat. It was harder to write. I want to think my new/old friend mark. He startled me by telling me he had been my facebook friend a long time. I will always be a hardcore blogger. I pushed facebook to maximum capacity. I call my blog 'bullshit mountain.' It sounds like total bullshit. But, I kept it real. The damn thing is longer than 'war and peace.'

Mark let me know he read bullshit mountain and loved it. I wasn't always a hot piece of ass. It's no joke that I was bald, shy, fat and in a comatose state. But, I sat down each night and wrote. It is a success story. The beginning takes you through my failed attempt at nursing school. I was a nervous wreck. I laughed at myself and the situation. I would be a nurse right now but it wasn't meant to be. First my uncle blew his brains out with a shotgun. The next week the woman that raised me passed away. One of the best moments in my life happened between those deaths. I had to make up the exam I missed going to my uncle's funeral. My teacher handed me the test while I was crying. The entire time hospice was killing my aunt with morphine I cried. But, I had to take that test. I handed it back to my teacher still crying. She ran it through the scantron machine. She came back in and all I asked her was 'how bad is it?' I owe 25,000 grand for getting half-way through nursing school. It was money well spent for the look on her face. She said 'lynn you made a 98%. That was the highest grade in the class. You don't understand, honey. So many students failed that test we have to provide a make-up exam.' I missed every lecture. I didn't do the home-work. I didn't read the chapters. God will throw you a bone when your down and out. It sounds like bullshit doesn't it. I left nursing school with a straight A GPA. I won scholarship money. I never made a B on anything my whole time in school. I left school to mourn. Losing my aunt was not something I could shake in a week. I turned to writing.

I wanted to honor her memory. For me, it was telling the story about who the girl she raised truly was. When she was alive, I fought hard to be perfect. Her death was freedom to climb bullshit mountain and plant a flag at the peak. Years have passed. She would be proud of me. Okay, she would not be pleased that I write erotica and chat with men on a porn site. But, she would be proud of the fact I'm not some fat, bald, shy nervous girl any more. She only got to see me in a wig a few times before she died. I wore modest wigs a lot like my real hair. In some great beyond, my sweet aunt jonell is smiling about me as a blonde. Recently, I have changed. I make sure I leave the house looking damn good. Now, that my mom has a job, I have new sexy clothes to wear. I walk around with this new burst of confidence.

Bullshit mountain is a story about a girl that dug herself out of a deep hole. I have an idea of what I want to do next. It's a huge step for me. I want to take this blog to cam. I downloaded windows movie maker. It would be fun to tell some stories as videos. I would also want to tell sex stories right off the top of my head. All this practice writing makes that possible. My brain maybe totally wired to self-destruct, but I am freaky smart. Most of my intelligence is related to having good memorization skills. It would be a thrill to write a story, memorize it and act it. I just need time. I have to start slowly. The first video will be the most difficult. First, I need to rebuild my bullshit mountain skills. I've slacked on my writing.

Before, I write fiction again, I have to brush up on my skills. I don't know where this is going. It's a slippery climb up bullshit mountain. Some people like hearing about my early exploits as a teenage slut. In the blog I lost, I took you on a journey through my first everything. It is a good story. I can sum it up by saying I learned how to suck dick in the high school baseball dug-outs in eighth grade.

At fo04teen I didn't believe in rules. I road the bus with my best friend angie. The last day of school, right before I got off the bus, I told her 'I'm totally losing my virginity this summer.' Considering her older cousin was the first boy to go down on me, she knew it was no idol threat. My parents totally let me run wild that summer. I had such awesome parents. They were oblivious. My only rules were not to call long distance and not to get pregnant. I have always gone to a friend's house each weekend. Since first grade all my weekends were spent with other families. I usually had a few best friends. That summer before high school my best friend was an older girl named robin. Weirdly, I still talk to her, and I don't talk to anyone from my past. Robin was older. Her parents were awesome. The first time I got fall down drunk happened when we stole an ancient bottle of peppermint schnapps from her parents.

We had good times. I'll never forget the day I met kenny. I walked in robin's room and the prettiest boy I've ever seen was standing next to her bed. She said 'this is my cousin kenny.' And he gave me that look. I had instant butterflies. I still thought he was out of my league. Then he locked eyes with me and he didn't exactly blow me a kiss. But, it was close enough. Kenny rolled a joint. Spending that summer with robin, I lost my connections. She didn't smoke. But, he was happy to know that I did. We snuck in a side room trying to hide from robin's parents. I was still kind of new to getting high with boys. I was in such a haze of hormones. I can't remember if we talked. All of a sudden he kissed me. It was one of those life-changing kisses. He kissed so well, I should've known then he was gay.

My final memory of the first time I met kenny has a special place in my heart. Robin lived near a park. Me, kenny and his two younger cousins walked down to the park to smoke more weed. Robin wanted none of that. At the time my dad drove this blue vanagon which was legend. I watched him pull up to robin's house as we were finishing the joint. I watched her point at the park. My dad comes rolling up on me alone with three boys in a seedy park. I was so stoned. One thing you should know about my dad is that he was the biggest pothead on earth. I got in the van and all my dad said was 'lynn, I think I smell something I shouldn't be smelling.' I have to admit there was an incredible love/hate relationship between me and my dad. I was itching for a fight and gave him my best shit eating grin and said. 'I don't smell anything dad, but why don't you tell me about that smell. Because, I smell it on you all the time.' He didn't say a word. We drove home in silence. He didn't mention the boys. I love that memory.

Then I broke one of my two rules. I called kenny long distance and racked up a fortune. Honestly, I think they could've handled teen pregnancy better. My parents didn't believe in spanking. That long distance bill nearly got me beat. For about a month we talked daily for hours. We got to the 'I love you' stage.

He was coming back for the weekend and we talked about sex. He was sixteen and not a virgin. He told me I was forbidden fruit. The day I lost my virginity. I bought beck's odelay from specs. Awe, I'm sentimental. I have to put that album on to keep writing this blog. A lot of time me and robin just laid on her futon listening to music on repeat. That summer she was truly obsessed with radiohead's pablo honey. That day kenny laid on the floor beside me and we just played odelay. We through somewhat of a party. One of our friends was this crazy bi-sexual girl named kim. She kissed me and I laughed at her during a slumber party in our future. Our other friend was this fiery white-trash girl named crystal. Before I lost my virginity, crystal walked me through a total tutorial on how to properly masturbate. Totally embarrassing lynn secret. I discovered orgasms at a young age from lying on my bed and grinding my clit against something. I was masturbating all the time.

Giggle, I used a ping-pong ball or a rolled up sock. I could cum in thirty seconds rubbing against a ping-pong ball. Crystal thought my method was hilarious and she totally made me promise to use my finger tips. I never used a sock or a ping-pong ball again. All the girls new kenny and I were sort of dating. They left us alone in robin's bedroom. Even though he said 'I was forbidden fruit' he brought a condom. He didn't spend much time with foreplay. I will never forget that 'pink floyd's' money was playing. I should've insisted on odelay. I don't even like pink floyd that much. And god, do I hate the song 'money.' No girl should get her cherry popped to the sound of change. First of all, it was hilarious. He couldn't get it in. As the lord is my witness, I think I was totally one of those girls with an impacted hymen. He asked for my help. I am the girl that masturbated with a ping pong ball. I didn't know how to find my hole. I'd never worn a tampon. So popping my cherry should've been done with a screwdriver.

For the record, it probably hurt his dick to bust through that flesh barrier. There was this wave of pain like someone shot my pussy with a .357. Fuck yes, I screamed like a little bitch. He asked me if he should stop. I try to finish the things I start. So, while 'money' played he shifted me in weird positions. As a virgin it did not feel good to have my ankles around his head. I would encourage female virgins to stick to missionary. It was the longest three minutes of my life. He finally came. Then it was like a sitcom. He pulled out of my virgin pussy and it made the world's longest and loudest queef. It was so bad it sounded like I shit myself. Thank God, my pussy has never made another noise like that. I think it was the dying whimper of my innocence. Now, I should mention we were both covered in blood like we slaughtered a goat. That's what I remember the most. I was bleeding like my pussy got shot. I kept my cool and told my chick friends I officially popped my cherry. I was dying for a heating pad to go on my crotch. I don't think I slept that night.

The next few days were heartbreaking. The next day we went with robin's mom to a thrift store. I was in tears. Kenny wouldn't even look at me. I kept the shirt I wore that day. It was super cute. But, I couldn't get his attention. Robin's parents planned something special for us. They rented a room on the beach. I teased robin about the ride there. Before we left, kenny rolled off a hammock and landed in a pile of dog shit. Karma is a beach. But, robin's parents only had a truck. Me, robin, crystal, kim and kenny piled in the bed of a truck for the hour long ride to the beach. All we could do was bitch about kenny reeking of shit. Then it started raining so fucking hard. All we could do was laugh. I have never been so wet in my life. The weather cleared when we got to the beach. It was evening. I didn't even have a bathing suit. Robin leant me this tiny blue bikini and my tits were x-rated. It had no impact on kenny. Right away he met some cute hippie dudes and ditched us girls. It was actually awesome. We were instigated by kim to go totally wild. We decided to hit every pool at all the hotels. We jumped in so many pools. We got naked. We picked up boys and declared them lame. We four girls got naked and just went in the ocean.

I was kind of heartbroken. I went off by myself because the hotel had a swing. I am always going to be that five year old girl who needs to swing so hard and fast it's dangerous. If I marry a man he better be prepared to build me a swing set. The only man I nearly married built one. So, I remember being on that swing set and solemnly swearing I wouldn't have sex again until I was truly in love. I was a dick sucking, teenage sex crazed nightmare. But, I did keep that swing set vow. I made it through that crazy weekend. I thought I'd never see kenny again. I got the shock of a life time one morning before school. I was sixteen. One day kenny was standing in my damn hallway. He moved in with robin and transferred to my school. I walked up to him and said 'hello.' He walked away.

It was torture. It was also hilarious. Every girl thought he was gorgeous. I was in shock and had to admit that he was the dude that stole my 'v card' and never spoke to me again. In a past blog, I wrote about messing around in this girl alexis's bed after she took my man. We were arch rivals to the extreme. She threw herself at kenny hard. Since, she was dating johnathon, I think they were just friends. But, it would take me ten pages to discuss the boys we shared, fought for and traded. Her senior year she published a poem titled 'lynn' in the school literary journal. It is such a good rhyming bash of me as an evil slut. I truly lost my mind when I read it. I have my moments when I scare the living shit out of people. I marched into the journalism class and raised mortal hell. I told the teacher he could check the school records and I was the only damn lynn in the school. I got sarcastic and asked if he enjoyed letting his little publication slander students in a poetic fashion. I didn't expect his reaction. He immediately ceased selling them and made his class use a sharpie to cross out my name by hand. Someone told me about the poem and showed me a preview copy to go on sale at lunch. I confronted him after home room. When I left his room, I picked up a copy and said 'I think you owe me one.' I probably have the only copy with my name not scribbled out.

I would bet money she messed around with kenny. Kenny dated one random girl who dressed slutty goth. I was so jealous of her. But, they didn't last long. Kenny was a loner. He stuck with his best friend. I had a moment with him once. I had this ultra bad-ass long black psychedelic vintage skirt. I always wore it with a tight black top. Between classes I caught kenny staring at me like I was a piece of candy he needed to eat. We had a moment. I gave him my best go fuck yourself grin and marched off. Life moved on. Kenny joined the traveling Rennaissance festival. I went one year. I ran into him in a tiny booth. He tried to talk to me and I walked away. Then the story gets funny. I used to ask people what happened to him. I don't know who had the pleasure of telling me what he was doing. He was still at the renn fair. But, he was gay. He was also the sex slave for a man he believed was a powerful magician. I haven't heard a new update. Why do I have to be the girl who gets her cherry popped by a gay dude who fucks a warlock?

It sounds like bullshit mountain. I can't believed I blogged about masturbating with a ping pong ball. I can say a few friends like mark enjoyed the hell out of a blog like this. A part of finding out who I am is talking about teenage rebellion. I may have been already working a full-time job during that summer. I don't like to do the math but I was working a few weeks after my fo04rteenth birthday. I could've lived like a spoiled, christian princess at aunt jonell's house. I went to work so I could live at home. I made damn good money. It bought me freedom. My parents did have two other boy rules. I couldn't go to all night cast parties because they were boy girl sex parties. I also couldn't go on my first official date with a boy until I was nearly 16. Thank God for slumber parties. I met a cute boy at the mall who was s*******n. I begged my parents to let me go on a real date. My dad caved. I had a fashion crises deciding what to wear. You have to understand I had more clothes than entire countries in africa. I did mostly wear vintage. I probably tried on a hundred tops. My decision was so weird. It was a really tight purple sweater with a lace collar. It was so grandma. But, it made my tits look great. I dated that boy a long time. He took me to a private religious school prom. My mom and aunt jonell had more fun dressing me for proms and plays than you could ever imagine. There was an unlimited budget. I wish I could find the pics we took before that prom. I had never been that beautiful. My dress was dark green and low-cut. I went to pee before we ditched the prom. In front of the mirror two girls were totally saying I can't believe john would date a girl showing that much cleavage. They were religious. It wasn't a damn did you see that girl in the green dress with her tits on display. I still walked out of the stall for a confrontation. The girl bashing my tittage was a quadra-plegic. I tried not to giggle until I left the room.

But, he did not get laid on prom. I was not going to get fucked in a ball gown in his truck. We had already developed a pattern of getting busted by police when we were messing around in parking lots. I talk about my best friend brent a lot. We had a great time the other night when his friend oliver came over to smoke. He is married with baby and off the market. But, he is so my kind of guy. It comes with knowing your way around d**gs. We hit it off. He gave me props for the casual way I talk about being disabled from being bi-polar. Like a lot of people, he knows someone with a similar problem. Most people don't seek treatment. Some how in front of brent and oliver I joked about getting busted by cops at least six times with boys. Brent asked oliver 'does that really happen?' Oliver confirmed that it does. I gave brent the low down that a cop bashes your window and shines in a flashlight. Yes, I've been busted sucking dick in that situation. I've always been topless. Cops do give you a minute to dress. Then they yank you out of the car and ask you over and over 'are you here of your own freewill.' As long as your with another teen they send you along and tell you to find another parking lot. I think it's hilarious that brent needed oliver's confirmation that my story was legit. Brent continues to leave me bewildered. A friend who knows us both is confused why we haven't hooked up. I talk with brent about it now. We had a pivotal moment when he put me down the hard way. His justification was that he doesn't have my sex drive. We discussed sex like ice cream. We agreed he was vanilla. I'm more chocolate with sprinkles and whip cream. He asked why I would want him knowing that. My answer is simple. I love him. He's a total prick sometimes. I've wanted to slap the shit out of him. But, I do love dusty far more than brent. I just spend a lot of time with brent. He has fifteen reasons why I'm not attractive. One of them is really not liking big tits. I recently had a nice friendly cam chat with a new friend. He told me each tit was bigger than my head. I had to laugh. He asked why I don't post more pictures. I don't want thirty pm's a day that say 'nice tits.' Brent got pissy about the issue and told me he liked a tiny perky b-cup. I'm kind of happy with the situation. Our friendship is solid. Sometimes he gets on his high horse with me. Yesterday, I did something stupid and he said 'lynn you have problems. Not like mental problems. Just serious problems.' And he's right. I've had an incredible ritalin fueled mania. I'll be out of my normal stimulant a long time. These little ritalin bursts mean the world to me. I stay so sedated without a stimulant. I got lucky and had two ritalin nights in a row. The first night I chatted and answered old pm's. I promised myself to write tonight. I do feel guilt.

Believe it or not, I'm making men have cam chats with me that don't involve cam sex. Tonight, I met luke who was a total gentleman. He was fun as hell to talk to. I had to end the chat to go to the store. He wasn't online when I started blogging. He caught me one hour deep in a manic writing spree. Luke if you read this I'm truly an evil cunt. I did not chat with you because I needed to write this blog. I told you I had to sleep. But, I really needed to write. I knew if we started chatting we could probably talk for hours. I should've been honest and said I needed to write. That's not a usual line from a girl. If you read this you will realize that I wasn't blowing you off. Mania is hard to explain. What I do is not normal behavior. Luke asked me what I did with my free time. Not being able to work gives me a lot of time. I write, chat and make art. I don't post everything that I write. Right now, I'm working on a major private 'dear diary' blog. Some of the most twisted situations that hit me are catalogued there. If I can manage to post this, I promise to work on some erotica. It takes a lot of work to write fiction. I can blog all night. I can lose the whole damn thing and not shed a tear. I'm attached to what little fiction I've written. I know good fictional erotica will be my best work. But, I can't promise to take a few trips down memory lane. I had some party years that were epic. There were love affairs that lasted a long time. Bullshit mountain is usually a few secrets. There were moments when I totally slutted out. There were moments when I chased death. There was a lot of death. I hate the end of a manic session. I know I'm going to be so sleepy for such a long time. But, I wouldn't change anything. I can do so many things when my brain hits manic. It's not always stimulant induced. I hit periods when I knock out hundreds of pages or pump out art. I have no clue how I'll feel tomorrow. But, tonight I admitted I masturbated with a ping pong ball.