145 Ways You Know You're a Swinger When.....
For years we've been curious about swinging so a Friend sent us this. We are curious about how much of this is true...
145 Ways You Know You're a Swinger When.....
1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen names.
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers or "Normal" friends why you can't go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends' names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don't know their last names.
6. You have a lot of friends in many different states.
7. When you go to a convention and your bags consist of a bag for toys, a bag for leather stuff, a bag for lingerie and a small bag for straight clothes
8. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
9. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your c***dren can't possibly sneak up on you.
10. Your straight husband shops for his underwear at Gay Men's Stores where there is an unlimited selection of makes, styles, colors and fabrics.
11. You are grocery shopping, and supposed to be checking your food out, not the couple in front of you or the check-out girl.
12. You always carry two condoms in your purse every where you go...just in case.
13. When your c***d walks by the computer area and asks what 'The Lifestyle' means
14. You are both well over 55 and don't look a day over 40 and don't seem to be aging a bit. Straight friends look old enough to your parent's friends. They think you are getting younger and want to know your secrets.
15. You can't remember the last time you had pubic hair.
16. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
17. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags, blankets, pillows and don't leave until Sunday afternoon...
18. You never open your garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.
19. Your gynecologist wonders why you're asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
20. You have an entire drawer filled with assorted condoms in various sizes and colors... and YOUR husband has a vasectomy!
21. All of your bras are one size too small (and you like'em that way!)
22. You have more "private" photo albums than family ones.
23. When your "normal" friends accuse you of being swingers and you try and stumble through some lame reply only to realize they were only joking about you having a hot tub. Another close call.
24. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
25. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
26. Your digital camera batteries are always fully charged and ready to go!
27. Your wife has a shirt that says: "I Like Girls Too."
28. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
29. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
30. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife's thong.
31. You've hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
32. You hear the word "Playmate" and your first thought is not "Playboy"
33. The word "Slut" has become a term of endearment.
34. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
35. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won't give you rug burns.
36. You've taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
37. The term Vanilla isn't just a flavor to you anymore.
38. You are constantly encouraging your k**s to spend the weekend at friends' houses.
39. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom... On your ceiling.
40. You don't think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
41. Your wedding reception has an after party.
42. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
43. You panic when your friend's digital camera goes missing.
44. You've invited friends over and watched porn videos.
45. You've invited friends over to make porn videos.
46. You've watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife's bare ass.
47. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
48. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don't fit you or your wife.
49. Your k**s think it's normal for adults to have sleepovers.
50. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
51. You believe in Unicorns... Because you've actually ridden one.
52. You leave the k**s at home when you go to the toy store.
53. You've taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And it was on purpose.
54. You can't decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
55. You both turn your head to watch the hot woman walking down the street!
56. Your nightstand drawer is full of bar napkins with couple's names and phone numbers.
57. You make plans to meet a "normal" couple at a nice restaurant and realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear.
58. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed... And your guest bed... And your couch in the living room.
59. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
60. You frequently use the term "Friends of friends" when explaining how you know certain people.
61. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
62. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
63. You place a want ad that reads: "Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn't ask any questions."
64. You closet is filled with 5" high heeled shoes.. and you have more lingerie than most department stores.
65. You are sending out online Christmas cards to people with names like: dareustwo wifewetandbi and xoticcouple.
66. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
67. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
68. Every bottle of liquor in your house has a big sticker with your membership number or couple's name on it.
69. You come home with that, "There's Something About Mary" hairstyle.
70. The babysitter and k**s wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
71. In the gym shower you're the only guy with shaved balls.
72. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
73. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
74. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
75. You've closed your e-mails with "Bi Bi".
76. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
77. On your Birthday or Christmas, there are certain presents that can't be opened in front of your family.
78. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
79. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
80. The movie "Swingers" was a huge disappointment to you.
81. It's an unwritten law that you can't call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don't wake them up.
82. You've become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
83. At your "normal" parties no one can go into the basement because you're afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
84. You and your wife see a hot chick and bet who could fuck her first.
85. You get all excited and rush down to the local community center advertising a swap meet and find out its baseball cards.
86. You're at the bar and someone asks you to take them home, and you say "No problem, but only if my wife can play too".
87. You're constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
88. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
89. You're in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
90. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, "OK, here's how we know each other..."
91. Whenever you go out, you always throw a small overnight bag in the car .... "just in case".
92. All your links on your computer have something to do with finding couples, toys, clothes and places to go on vacation to explore your wild side.
93. Giggling to yourself at the office when your co-workers tell you how wonderful their weekend was.. If only they knew.
94. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
95. When someone asks where you're staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can't remember the name of the resort.
96. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: "That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much."
97. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
98. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
99. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
100. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
101. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party
102. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
103. You've handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
104. Your sexual fantasies never last very long... Because they keep coming true!
105. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
106. You erase your computer's browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
107. You buy lap dances for your wife... And vice versa.
108. You own a double-headed dildo and/or strap-on.
109. You're still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
110. You're at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
111. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
112. After 25 years, people still ask if you're newlyweds.
113. You've had sex with more people since you've been married than you did when you were single.
114. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
115. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you're on your period.
116. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman's perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
117. One of your business cards reads "Your first name and your spouse's first name and your "special" e-mail address.
118. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
119. You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
120. You get really tired of not making it to McDonalds before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
121. When you dress at night to party, knowing full well that your clothes won't be on for long once you are at the party 15 minutes.
122. When you get dressed for work & realize the only kind of hosiery that you own anymore are thigh highs or garters...
123. When you ask an exceptionally attractive woman at work for a few minutes to discuss a project and you get an erection when she says:"I'll try to fit you in... I think I can swing it."
124. You screw up and make plans with one couple for Saturday night and then find out that you're spouse made plans with another couple. Then it dawns on you that this is not a problem, it's an Orgy.
125. When you come back from vacation and the only place where you got sunburned was where your tan-lines use to be.
126. Your co-workers ask you to bring back a lot of pictures from your vacation and all you can do is giggle.
127. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
128. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
129. You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
130. If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you...
131. When birthday surprise parties take on a whole new meaning.
132. At your "normal parties", no one can use "the Master Bathroom" because you're afraid someone will notice the webcam bolted to the wall in your bedroom on the way!
133. Beating around the bush with your normal friends trying to figure out if they're interested in swapping or not…….without giving away the fact that you're a swinger.
134. When your at a swinger club and don't recognize another couple until you see them with their clothes off.
135. When your swinger friends and your normal friends are at the house at the same time and your normal friends ask the question "So how do ya'll know each other."
136. When you come home from a long party weekend with strange underwear in your luggage and just laugh about it.
137. Your spouse tells you about a new person at work but prefaces the conversation with "No, we can't screw them."
138. You know you're a swinger when your wife has slept with more men since you were married than before you were married.
139. You know you're a swinger when you realize that you've scored on MORE dates since you've been married than you did when you were single!
140. You know you're a swinger when the wife has slept with more women since...well...ever!
141. You know you're a swinger when you plan outings with friends around you're wife's monthly cycle; and when you know when your friends' cycle are.
142. You know you're a swinger when you can't remember your special friend's birthday or last name but you know when her period is...
143. You know you're a swinger when you have to get dressed twice to go out- once to drop off the k** at the sitter, and once in the car on the way to the club!
144. You know you're a swinger when your vanilla friends think you're boring because your weekend stories have NO details...
145. You know you're a swinger when your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, you ask "with who?" and it's not a joke!
That's a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!
145 Ways You Know You're a Swinger When.....
1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen names.
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers or "Normal" friends why you can't go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends' names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don't know their last names.
6. You have a lot of friends in many different states.
7. When you go to a convention and your bags consist of a bag for toys, a bag for leather stuff, a bag for lingerie and a small bag for straight clothes
8. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
9. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your c***dren can't possibly sneak up on you.
10. Your straight husband shops for his underwear at Gay Men's Stores where there is an unlimited selection of makes, styles, colors and fabrics.
11. You are grocery shopping, and supposed to be checking your food out, not the couple in front of you or the check-out girl.
12. You always carry two condoms in your purse every where you go...just in case.
13. When your c***d walks by the computer area and asks what 'The Lifestyle' means
14. You are both well over 55 and don't look a day over 40 and don't seem to be aging a bit. Straight friends look old enough to your parent's friends. They think you are getting younger and want to know your secrets.
15. You can't remember the last time you had pubic hair.
16. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
17. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags, blankets, pillows and don't leave until Sunday afternoon...
18. You never open your garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.
19. Your gynecologist wonders why you're asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
20. You have an entire drawer filled with assorted condoms in various sizes and colors... and YOUR husband has a vasectomy!
21. All of your bras are one size too small (and you like'em that way!)
22. You have more "private" photo albums than family ones.
23. When your "normal" friends accuse you of being swingers and you try and stumble through some lame reply only to realize they were only joking about you having a hot tub. Another close call.
24. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
25. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
26. Your digital camera batteries are always fully charged and ready to go!
27. Your wife has a shirt that says: "I Like Girls Too."
28. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
29. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
30. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife's thong.
31. You've hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
32. You hear the word "Playmate" and your first thought is not "Playboy"
33. The word "Slut" has become a term of endearment.
34. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
35. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won't give you rug burns.
36. You've taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
37. The term Vanilla isn't just a flavor to you anymore.
38. You are constantly encouraging your k**s to spend the weekend at friends' houses.
39. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom... On your ceiling.
40. You don't think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
41. Your wedding reception has an after party.
42. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
43. You panic when your friend's digital camera goes missing.
44. You've invited friends over and watched porn videos.
45. You've invited friends over to make porn videos.
46. You've watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife's bare ass.
47. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
48. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don't fit you or your wife.
49. Your k**s think it's normal for adults to have sleepovers.
50. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
51. You believe in Unicorns... Because you've actually ridden one.
52. You leave the k**s at home when you go to the toy store.
53. You've taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And it was on purpose.
54. You can't decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
55. You both turn your head to watch the hot woman walking down the street!
56. Your nightstand drawer is full of bar napkins with couple's names and phone numbers.
57. You make plans to meet a "normal" couple at a nice restaurant and realize you have absolutely nothing you can wear.
58. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed... And your guest bed... And your couch in the living room.
59. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
60. You frequently use the term "Friends of friends" when explaining how you know certain people.
61. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
62. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
63. You place a want ad that reads: "Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn't ask any questions."
64. You closet is filled with 5" high heeled shoes.. and you have more lingerie than most department stores.
65. You are sending out online Christmas cards to people with names like: dareustwo wifewetandbi and xoticcouple.
66. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
67. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
68. Every bottle of liquor in your house has a big sticker with your membership number or couple's name on it.
69. You come home with that, "There's Something About Mary" hairstyle.
70. The babysitter and k**s wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
71. In the gym shower you're the only guy with shaved balls.
72. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
73. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
74. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
75. You've closed your e-mails with "Bi Bi".
76. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
77. On your Birthday or Christmas, there are certain presents that can't be opened in front of your family.
78. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
79. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
80. The movie "Swingers" was a huge disappointment to you.
81. It's an unwritten law that you can't call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don't wake them up.
82. You've become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
83. At your "normal" parties no one can go into the basement because you're afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
84. You and your wife see a hot chick and bet who could fuck her first.
85. You get all excited and rush down to the local community center advertising a swap meet and find out its baseball cards.
86. You're at the bar and someone asks you to take them home, and you say "No problem, but only if my wife can play too".
87. You're constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
88. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
89. You're in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
90. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, "OK, here's how we know each other..."
91. Whenever you go out, you always throw a small overnight bag in the car .... "just in case".
92. All your links on your computer have something to do with finding couples, toys, clothes and places to go on vacation to explore your wild side.
93. Giggling to yourself at the office when your co-workers tell you how wonderful their weekend was.. If only they knew.
94. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
95. When someone asks where you're staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can't remember the name of the resort.
96. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: "That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much."
97. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
98. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
99. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
100. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
101. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party
102. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
103. You've handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
104. Your sexual fantasies never last very long... Because they keep coming true!
105. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
106. You erase your computer's browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
107. You buy lap dances for your wife... And vice versa.
108. You own a double-headed dildo and/or strap-on.
109. You're still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
110. You're at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
111. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
112. After 25 years, people still ask if you're newlyweds.
113. You've had sex with more people since you've been married than you did when you were single.
114. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
115. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you're on your period.
116. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman's perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
117. One of your business cards reads "Your first name and your spouse's first name and your "special" e-mail address.
118. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
119. You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
120. You get really tired of not making it to McDonalds before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
121. When you dress at night to party, knowing full well that your clothes won't be on for long once you are at the party 15 minutes.
122. When you get dressed for work & realize the only kind of hosiery that you own anymore are thigh highs or garters...
123. When you ask an exceptionally attractive woman at work for a few minutes to discuss a project and you get an erection when she says:"I'll try to fit you in... I think I can swing it."
124. You screw up and make plans with one couple for Saturday night and then find out that you're spouse made plans with another couple. Then it dawns on you that this is not a problem, it's an Orgy.
125. When you come back from vacation and the only place where you got sunburned was where your tan-lines use to be.
126. Your co-workers ask you to bring back a lot of pictures from your vacation and all you can do is giggle.
127. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
128. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
129. You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
130. If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you...
131. When birthday surprise parties take on a whole new meaning.
132. At your "normal parties", no one can use "the Master Bathroom" because you're afraid someone will notice the webcam bolted to the wall in your bedroom on the way!
133. Beating around the bush with your normal friends trying to figure out if they're interested in swapping or not…….without giving away the fact that you're a swinger.
134. When your at a swinger club and don't recognize another couple until you see them with their clothes off.
135. When your swinger friends and your normal friends are at the house at the same time and your normal friends ask the question "So how do ya'll know each other."
136. When you come home from a long party weekend with strange underwear in your luggage and just laugh about it.
137. Your spouse tells you about a new person at work but prefaces the conversation with "No, we can't screw them."
138. You know you're a swinger when your wife has slept with more men since you were married than before you were married.
139. You know you're a swinger when you realize that you've scored on MORE dates since you've been married than you did when you were single!
140. You know you're a swinger when the wife has slept with more women since...well...ever!
141. You know you're a swinger when you plan outings with friends around you're wife's monthly cycle; and when you know when your friends' cycle are.
142. You know you're a swinger when you can't remember your special friend's birthday or last name but you know when her period is...
143. You know you're a swinger when you have to get dressed twice to go out- once to drop off the k** at the sitter, and once in the car on the way to the club!
144. You know you're a swinger when your vanilla friends think you're boring because your weekend stories have NO details...
145. You know you're a swinger when your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, you ask "with who?" and it's not a joke!
That's a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!
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