Facts about semen part 1

1. Semen is much, much more than just sperm.

Although many people use the words “sperm” and “semen” as if they were synonymous, how tragically wrong these mortal fools are! The truth is that sperm comprises only about 5-10% of any given male jizzload. The rest is comprised of rich, happy bodily fluids and a dazzling array of nutrients that aid, protect, and comfort the sperm in its long and arduous journey toward the haughty female egg.

2. Semen is so chock-full of nutrients, it’s a wonder that people don’t eat more of it.

Semen contains vitamin C, fructose, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, vitamin B12, zinc, nitrogen, and calcium. The average male jizzwad is said to contain roughly as much protein as an egg white (chicken, not human eggs, of course). And all this life-giving nutrition will only set your diet back 20 calories!

3. The average size of a male jizzload is half a teaspoon.

Every male who’s reading this is grabbing a teaspoon and desperately checking to see how he measures up to others.

4. There are around 200 million sperm in an average human jizzload.

That’s roughly the same number of sperm in the average rabbit jizzload. The mighty pig, however, shoots out nearly eight billion little piggy wrigglers with every foul porcine orgasm.

5. Sperm take about 75 days to grow in the testes.

Just as men are always expected to be making money, they are always making sperm, too—roughly 1,500 every second. On average, these rambunctious li’l critters spend two and a half months developing inside a man’s scrotum before he suddenly murders them by the hundreds of millions during one wanton jackoff session to some online porn of questionable taste.

6. Sperm can live for up to five days inside a vagina, depending on how friendly the vagina is.
On average, sperm live about 24-48 hours once inside the human vagina. If the host female’s acidic balance is propitious, sperm can live up to five days inside her womb before perishing. In contrast, bat sperm can live up to 145 days, which should make every bat who’s reading this feel incredibly macho.

7. Sperm that is not ejaculated gets broken down and reabsorbed into the body.
If a man has an inactive sex life and can’t even be bothered to pleasure himself, sperm that stores up inside his body without being released will eventually die and be reabsorbed into his body like so much horse manure spread judiciously throughout a cornfield.

8. Men never stop making semen.

Although women stop producing eggs after menopause, men continue creating sperm and seminal fluid up until the day they croak. Science currently offers no answers regarding what happens to semen in the afterlife. It is not known whether semen exists in heaven, although it’s highly likely there’s plenty of semen in hell.

9. Good diet = good sperm.

Sperm count and quality can be greatly affected by a man’s dietary habits. Foods that will give you vibrant, healthy, muscular, happy, robust sperm include oysters, bananas, walnuts, asparagus, garlic, lean beef, and chocolate. It’s also important to drink plenty of water, because sperm spend their brief lives pretty much submerged in a swimming pool of your balls’ own making.

10. Bad diet = bad sperm.

If you want a healthy baby, put down the cigarettes and bongs, stay away from the vodka, say “no” to the bacon, cheese, cupcakes, and sausages, and drink decaf. That’s if you want a healthy baby—I didn’t say anything about having a happy life.

11. Some people use semen in their cooking recipes.

Well, at least one person does. This mysterious Semen Chef’s name is “Fotie Photenhauer,” and this shadowy person of dubious name and indeterminate gender has released a book called Natural Harvest: a collection of semen-based recipes.

From the book’s online description:

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.
12. Obesity lowers sperm count and quality.

Gents, if your BMI is 25 or above, allow me to loudly ring the alarm bell and inform you that your sperm will be slower, fewer in number, and less capable of winning a Gold Medal in swimming than the sperm of slimmer men. What you choose to do about this fact is between you and your so-called “God.”

13. Most sperm are abnormal.

That’s right—”abnormal.” I didn’t say “weird.” I didn’t say that anyone should bully them. Many sperm are born with two heads or two tails. Sometimes their heads range in size from puny to enormous. Sometimes their tails are crooked. According to one website, “90% of sperm ejaculated are deformed.” So in this case, the “normal” ones are the “weird” ones.