Hall Pass
Q: My wife and I have been together for ten years, and in that time, the frequency of our sexual encounters has gone down to the point where we have sex maybe once every 6 months. She tells me she just really doesn’t ever get horny. On the other side of things, this wasn’t really a problem for me for a long time. But I’ve spent years working through some trauma from my early life in therapy that really inhibited me in relationships and in the bedroom.
I think working on that stuff has definitely made me a better husband—more patient, and a better communicator. However, working through that sexual trauma and getting over it has made me feel a lot more open about sex and has made my libido go up. This, of course, doesn’t quite match up with what my wife has going on.
She has expressed that she really sees and appreciates my efforts and is proud of me for the work I’ve done. She’s totally supportive, but she just can’t see a world where she regularly wants to have sex. As a result, she’s suggested that she give me a “hall pass” so that I could have sex with other women. Basically, a one-sided open marriage. I never expected to be in a position like this when I got married.
She feels guilty about her lack of libido and doesn’t want to hold me back. And as turned on as I am by the idea of regularly having sex, I feel guilty about “cheating” on her, even with her permission. I want to make this marriage work, and this also feels like playing with fire. Is there a way to do this that won’t blow up my life/marriage and lead to a bunch of hurt feelings? Especially when I’m not even sure I want to?
A: There are two issues to address here. The first is your wife’s low libido that really should be addressed before considering issue number two—opening up your marriage. The first step is to see a sex therapist for a thorough evaluation. It’s important to figure out the underlying cause of low libido. Once you have that figured out, treatment can be started.
Opening up your marriage can still be an option but it should be discussed at great length, preferably in therapy together. You both need to discuss all of the potential scenarios, feelings that could come up, etc. You are right to be questioning this, as taking her up on her “hall pass” can lead to other complications that could compromise your marriage.
Terrible Sex
Q: Basically, I’ll cut to the chase. I’m 25, female, have had a few long-term relationships and am currently with my boyfriend of two years. I’ve never had good sex. It’s always been awkward, fumble-y, and missing that….assuredness and passion you see in sex on TV or in movies or in porn. That includes with my current boyfriend. When I think about sex, and having a man’s penis in me, it sounds like it’d been so hot and so satisfying—but in real life, I really don’t feel much of anything when my boyfriend is inside of me, and he’s slightly larger than average. In fact, if anything, I do find it occasionally painful.
Sex hasn’t been quite what it’s cracked up to be. I love my boyfriend and everything about our relationship—but the sex just isn’t doing it. And since it never has been, I have to chalk it up to the one common factor in every sexual encounter I’ve had: Me. Is there something wrong with me?
A: First of all, when you say “sex” I am assuming you are referring to intercourse. Here’s a fact: over 80% of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone. The vast majority of women need clitoral stimulation (from hand or mouth) for maximum arousal. So engaging in foreplay is a must, especially to reach arousal that leads to lubrication and thus will make intercourse less painful for you (you should also use external lubrication).
Something else you bring up in your question is sexual confidence. No one is born a great lover—we become good lovers through practice, listening to our partners, expressing our needs and learning to let go and be in the moment to feel the pleasure. Please do not compare yourself to porn or TV sex scenes. Those really do not reflect real life. However, you can gain more sexual confidence through self-awareness, self-compassion, and communication. You need to figure out what works for you and your body, what you like and what you don’t like. Exploring your own body with masturbation is a good place to start. Remember that confidence is not about performance, but rather about being present and being comfortable in your own skin.
Great sex is about sharing an experience rather than doing something “right.” Communicating openly about sex with your partner can build intimacy and confidence. You can also do a bit of research. There are lots of books (like Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski), and other sex positive content by professionals that can also help you.