Going The Distance
Q: My boyfriend moved to a new city for work and he wants to get comfortable and see if he likes it for a month or two before we make plans to uproot my life and for me to move there with him. How do we keep both the sex and the romance alive while we’re long distance? I’ve never been in this situation before and before he left, we were spending most of the week together, so we didn’t really text or call that often. Now that that’s all we have, it’s different.
A: What a great opportunity to try new things! First of all, you will need to establish a new routine for communicating. Decide together when you will chat, text, and do video calls. You will need to plan virtual dates. For example, you can both set up a nice candle lit dinner on each end while on video, and share your day/experiences, etc.
When it comes to keeping sexual intimacy alive, you will need to explore this aspect and be a little creative. At first it may seem a little awkward, so this takes a bit of time to get used to. You may want to explore sexting, sending erotic photos to each other, sharing fantasies, and mutual masturbation for example. Don’t forget to discuss your comfort level and your boundaries with each other. Remember, this has to be fun!
Planning for your future is also important. Maybe organizing times when you can visit and discussing a future when you will both be in the same place. It’s easier to be patient and tolerate the distance when there are clear plans to be together again.
Not As Perfect As It Seems
Q: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year and I’ve never had a partner who is so supportive, generous, and understanding. She’s definitely helped me through some hard times and helped me deal with life stuff I found hard to overcome. As a result I have a nicer home, a better job, better relationships with my family, less debt, etc etc. She’s improved my life in a bunch of ways. But in the past few months, I haven’t really been feeling the way a relationship should make you feel. I love her and feel like she’s an incredibly important part of my life—like it would absolutely not be the same without her—but I don’t know if I’m in love with her. But how can I break up with the best person I’ve ever been with? Should I just wait it out? Does that feeling come back?
A: Ask yourself what “in love” means to you. After a year of being together, love can feel differently. At the beginning we feel “in love” (which is really “in lust”) where we think of the other all the time, can’t keep our hands off each other, etc. The beginning stages of a relationship are driven by dopamine rushes which is what fuels all the excitement. Over time, it is replaced by other chemicals which are more related to bonding. This is when love feels deeper but different.
People often expect to have that “in love” feeling forever, but that’s not how a healthy love relationship works over time. What you describe in your question sounds like love to me. Imagine life without her. Would you have regrets if you left? Do you feel connected? Do you feel a sense of safety with her? Is there trust, communication, affection? These are all elements of a healthy relationship.