Walking On Eggshells
Q: Recently it seems like my girlfriend gets upset at the smallest thing. We live about an hour apart so we mostly spend the weekends together and call/text during the week. Every time we’re together, she gets mad at something I do and starts an argument, or gets sad if I don’t answer her calls or texts fast enough. Now when we spend time together, I’m not relaxed, and I’m watching everything I say so as to not upset her. And it seems like bringing it up would cause the fight to end all fights. My job is hard and I just want to relax on the weekends. How do I broach this and fix this without causing a blowout?
A: Something is going on here that you don’t seem privy to. It sounds like your girlfriend is feeling resentful and that the smallest thing is causing irritation. Is it possible that she is feeling frustrated with the long distance of your relationship? Maybe she sees no end in site to this arrangement, and maybe she wants more. This situation requires some honest conversation. Approach with empathy and compassion. Say something like: “Can we talk about how you are feeling? I sense your frustration and I’m wondering how we can make our relationship better.” Walking on eggshells in a relationship often becomes toxic over time and is just not healthy. So before it gets worse, address the issue, even if the conversation will be difficult. Consider seeking help from a couple’s therapist who could help you communicate more effectively together.
Dealing With Jealousy
Q: I didn’t think I was a jealous person, but it’s come up as a problem in my relationship. My girlfriend has stayed friends with the ex that she dated in her 20s. They broke up and she was single for a couple years before meeting me. In that time they built up a pretty close friendship with texting every day, hanging out once a week, etc. She swears that any sexual and romantic feelings ended when their relationship did, but they have such an easy rapport around each other that I find it hard to deal with. I am not friends with any of my exes and I can’t imagine having that kind of friendship with them. Are my feelings valid or should i just shut up and get over it?
A: The feelings you are experiencing are certainly not unusual or indicative of a serious problem. Many people would be uneasy in such a situation. Jealousy can often bring up difficult emotions, especially when you’re comparing your relationship with past ones. Feelings of jealousy are natural, especially in relationships where trust and emotional closeness are important. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, even threatened, about the situation, especially since you’re not used to having close friendships with exes. Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to relationships, and what works for one person may not work for another. Consider your partner’s perspective–she may genuinely believe that any romantic feelings are long gone, and she might feel secure in their friendship, which may not involve any intimacy. Think about why you are feeling jealous. Do you feel you are competing with her past? Do you feel left out? Do you feel that the two of you don’t have the same kind of bond? You should never just “shut up” or “get over it.” It is not a good idea to suppress feelings. Rather, you should address this in a healthy way that helps you both understand each other’s perspectives and then come to a place of compromise. Try to share your emotions from a place of curiosity and vulnerability, rather than accusation. You can say something like: “I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with the closeness between you and your ex. I trust you, but I struggle with how natural and easy you both are around each other, and sometimes this makes me feel insecure.” You don’t want to come off as trying to control her friendships, but rather about setting boundaries that make you both feel comfortable. Consider getting to know this friend, and talk with your partner about more transparency if that is what you need. A good relationship requires understanding and compromise. If this friendship with her ex is something she values, try to see it from her perspective. Maybe it’s not a romantic bond anymore, but something that gives her emotional support or comfort. On the other hand, if this friendship is seriously affecting your emotional well-being, it’s also okay to ask for adjustments, especially if it’s making you feel undervalued or threatened. If you approach this situation with empathy and a willingness to listen to her side, it will be easier to come to an understanding that works for both of you.