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PARIS LEES' 21 SEXIEST THINGS ABOUT SEX

1 – The smell. If you don't like the smell of sex, I don't know, maybe you're not human? Sex smells… sexy?

2 – Socks. When your trusted fuck-buddy stuffs socks inside your mouth and ties your hands behind your back while ramming you like a champ. You people all do that, right?

3 – When a guy cums inside you and leaves himself inside and then you feel it getting hard again and he fucks you and cums again without ever taking it out. Not only is that sexy, you don’t have to worry about fanny farts that way, Hannah.

4 – Squeezing a guy while he’s inside you. It’s kind of like your pussy/butt saying, "I got you, homie."

5 – Speaking of which, when he puts it in. And it feels like you’re sitting on an air freshener canister. Oh. My. Lord. What do you mean it’s "not all in yet"? Go, go gadget dick!

6 – When you can tell your lover is really into it. When they groan. And it’s genuine. When a guy looks like all his birthdays came at once because he’s here, with you, Paris “Yes it’s really me, and yes I really am like this in real life” Lees, and cumming like a Roman candle. You know that’s how it goes down in a PL session.

7 – Semen. Is great. I probably like it best when it comes as a surprise (no pun intended) like when you’re shagging some guy at a house party and some next dude walks in and you’re like “Hey, come join the fun!” but he’s so horny as he pulls his dick out he just ends up jizzing over the both of you (seriously, what had we all taken that night?) – or maybe like when you’re wanking some stranger off in a dark room and you suddenly feel this warm, wet dripping in-between your legs and down your thighs onto your leather miniskirt. Dude, you didn’t tell me you were close! Hot!

8 – Your underwear. Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I really don’t think you can go wrong slutting it up with lingerie, champagne and copious amounts of you-know-what. It’s traditional, innit?

9 – Fucking weirdoes. Literally fucking them. Like people you truly wouldn't want to introduce to your mates. Some of my most leg-shakingly good shags have been one-offs with pot-bellied perverts wearing dirty band T-shirts from the 90s. When you don't care what they think, you can let go and let loose! You might want to ask them to double up on the condoms, though.

10 – Using all the sex juices to get yourself off again. Fuck me that’s good.

11 – Watching yourself be a bad girl in the mirror. I really feel like a spit roast is wasted if the person in the middle doesn’t get to see how it looks, ’cause it looks fucking horny.

12 – Talking dirty. Agreed, it takes some chutzpah and genuine passion to pull it off, but what are you? A mouse? Or a fucker? You’re a fucker – so call me a slut and tell me to suck it.

13 – When you’ve been kissing and fondling for a while and getting really quite sticky down there and you look at your partner with a sense of urgency and tell them to rip your knickers off, at which point they know that you really, really want it, and down they come, right past your ankles, while the hot space between your legs throbs in anticipation. You know those hands are coming up.
14 – Looking into someone’s eyes as they cum and watching their pupils dilate. It’s really beautiful.

15 – Hearing your neighbours at it. Proper turns me on, that does. And fuck me, if anyone ever needed a good shag it was those miserable cunts next door.

16 – The sweat. Hannah has sweat on her list of unsexy things but Hannah is wrong. Just. Wrong. If you find someone attractive enough to let them bump uglies with you, Hannah, you really need to be down with their sweat. As do they with yours. Seriously sweetheart, this isn’t choir practice. It’s sex. If you’re doing it right, people perspire.

17 – Wetness. Man or woman, it's really hot when your lover starts leaking. If you're too grossed out by bodily fluids, I have to ask, what are you doing having sex? Sex is juicy. Good sex is even juicier. If you wanna know if he loves you so, forget his kiss – it's in his precum. Although kissing's hot too. Just all of it, I guess.

18 – Doggy style. This is hot when you just want to get fucked like an animal – a dog, say – and it has the added bonus of leaving your hands and mouth free should his friends require simultaneous servicing.

19 – Number 19 on Hannah’s list is “jawlock”, which I do sympathise with, really, I do, I’m a feminist. But then she’s like, “Imagine if you put that much effort into the gym, eh?” and I’m like, really? You’re thinking about going to the gym while you’re giving head? But anyway, Hannah’s list is WACK and number 19 on my list is “manhandling”, which is when a man with big strong hands and veiny arms handles you. Grab my throat! Pull me hair! I can take it! I’m Northern!

20 – "Willies and vaginas", as Hannah so quaintly puts it. She reckons they're weird and ugly but I reckon they're special buttons of never-ending pleasure. And I don’t care if you’re homosexual, heterosexual or Capricorn – eating out is glorious. Warm wet tongues were made for warm wet clits.

21 – Rolling over back onto his dick again. Hannah rolled onto a wet patch. Hannah rolled the wrong way.