Advice for the Modern World
[ A parody of "The Desiderata" ]
Go placidly, amid the noise and haste; and take whatever comfort you can, in knowing that since you are just one very, very tiny part thereof, there will always be someone else to blame.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires ... unless you've already done so.
Speak glowingly of those in positions of power greater than your own; and be conspicuous about following their advice, in public, however worthless and clueless it may be. They may mostly be a bunch of soulless bastards and self-serving sons-of-bitches, but they are also the ones that sign your paychecks, and write your promotion recommendations.
Know what to kiss, and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three sometimes can.
Wherever possible, put people on hold, and keep them there. If it's important, they'll call back.
When they do, put them on hold again - just to be sure.
Be comforted that in the face of all the increasing social decay and disillusionment, and despite all the various changing fortunes of time, there will always be a future for you in computer maintenance - even after the machines take over and kill everyone else.
Remember to flush twice.
Strive at all times to fold, spindle, mutilate, and bend.
Need a penny? Take a penny. Have a penny? Take a penny.
Know yourself. If you need help, just call the FBI, the IRS, or the Department of Homeland Security.
Exercise a reasonable caution in all your daily affairs, most especially with those persons who are closest to you - like that moron on your left, for instance. He looks suspicious. It's not paranoia, if he actually turns out to be planning something shady. Better safe than sorry!
Rest assured that a journey across the sea of most men's souls will scarcely make the bottom of your feet damp.
Don't fall in love. It tends to stick to your face ... and other sensitive places.
Gracefully surrender the immature ways of your wasted youth. You can start by getting rid of that collection of Pogs and Pokémon cards in the back of your closet.
Let not the sands of time get into your sandwich!
Hire people with handicaps. They're fun to watch.
For a good time, call 555-1234. Ask for Ken. Tell him that your hovercraft is full of eels. He'll know what to do.
Take heart, amidst the slowly deepening doom and gloom, that your dog is finally getting enough all-meat protein in his diet.
And reflect that, however unfortunate your lot in life currently is, things would be substantially worse if you still lived in Chicago.
You are an accident of the universe. You have no inherent right to be here. And whether you can hear it, or not, the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god, in whatever form you perceive him to exist. Whether it's an angry and almighty hairy thunderer, or simply a colorfully-colored cosmic birthday muffin, sooner or later you will have to answer to him/her/them/it for all the things that you thought you'd successfully swept under the rug, many years ago.
Even with all of its hopes, dreams, promises, and inner city gentrification, the world slowly continues to deteriorate due to entropy.
Do not be afraid to give up!
#### ####
This parody version of the Desiderata is not copyrighted. I wrote it originally as a parody (and expansion) of the National Lampoon's "Deteriorata" parody; and I give my free consent for THIS parody version to be shared high, wide, and handsome - so long as I retain credit, and you don't make a profit off of it.
Kenneth Zevo
Go placidly, amid the noise and haste; and take whatever comfort you can, in knowing that since you are just one very, very tiny part thereof, there will always be someone else to blame.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires ... unless you've already done so.
Speak glowingly of those in positions of power greater than your own; and be conspicuous about following their advice, in public, however worthless and clueless it may be. They may mostly be a bunch of soulless bastards and self-serving sons-of-bitches, but they are also the ones that sign your paychecks, and write your promotion recommendations.
Know what to kiss, and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three sometimes can.
Wherever possible, put people on hold, and keep them there. If it's important, they'll call back.
When they do, put them on hold again - just to be sure.
Be comforted that in the face of all the increasing social decay and disillusionment, and despite all the various changing fortunes of time, there will always be a future for you in computer maintenance - even after the machines take over and kill everyone else.
Remember to flush twice.
Strive at all times to fold, spindle, mutilate, and bend.
Need a penny? Take a penny. Have a penny? Take a penny.
Know yourself. If you need help, just call the FBI, the IRS, or the Department of Homeland Security.
Exercise a reasonable caution in all your daily affairs, most especially with those persons who are closest to you - like that moron on your left, for instance. He looks suspicious. It's not paranoia, if he actually turns out to be planning something shady. Better safe than sorry!
Rest assured that a journey across the sea of most men's souls will scarcely make the bottom of your feet damp.
Don't fall in love. It tends to stick to your face ... and other sensitive places.
Gracefully surrender the immature ways of your wasted youth. You can start by getting rid of that collection of Pogs and Pokémon cards in the back of your closet.
Let not the sands of time get into your sandwich!
Hire people with handicaps. They're fun to watch.
For a good time, call 555-1234. Ask for Ken. Tell him that your hovercraft is full of eels. He'll know what to do.
Take heart, amidst the slowly deepening doom and gloom, that your dog is finally getting enough all-meat protein in his diet.
And reflect that, however unfortunate your lot in life currently is, things would be substantially worse if you still lived in Chicago.
You are an accident of the universe. You have no inherent right to be here. And whether you can hear it, or not, the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god, in whatever form you perceive him to exist. Whether it's an angry and almighty hairy thunderer, or simply a colorfully-colored cosmic birthday muffin, sooner or later you will have to answer to him/her/them/it for all the things that you thought you'd successfully swept under the rug, many years ago.
Even with all of its hopes, dreams, promises, and inner city gentrification, the world slowly continues to deteriorate due to entropy.
Do not be afraid to give up!
#### ####
This parody version of the Desiderata is not copyrighted. I wrote it originally as a parody (and expansion) of the National Lampoon's "Deteriorata" parody; and I give my free consent for THIS parody version to be shared high, wide, and handsome - so long as I retain credit, and you don't make a profit off of it.
Kenneth Zevo
4 years ago
"If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood upon the shoulders of giants." Issac Newton