How to get what you want, sexually - my opinion
My opinions have been formed by my own experiences so I understand many others may have differing opinions and disagree with what I say. As always, that it their right.
Now it may seem overly simple, I believe that if you have an unfulfilled sexual need/want/desire the “trick” to turning that fantasy into reality is ... asking for it. Now this is where people start to tell themselves all the reasons why they can’t ask and I’ll ask you to put those on pause for the moment. The point I want to make is that if your goal is to make something actually happen with your friend/lover/partner/one night stand/etc is you have to at least be willing and able to say it out loud. If it scares you so much that you can’t even discuss it then admit to yourself the last thing you should be doing is trying to jump into whatever it is. Ok, now onto the objections ...
”If I tell her I want to do this, she will think I’m a perv/freak/sicko/etc.” Now this is something I’m surprised to hear from so many men. Perhaps it my age showing but almost every woman I know is not surprised by anything a man thinks or says, when it comes to sex. Sure, we may hope you don’t think about this or that but would we be truly surprised if we were to find anything in your browser history or if you were to talk about an interest. Speaking for myself, I assume every sexually thought has passed through every mans head at some point in his life. Perhaps outdated thinking but well, my opinion. I don’t think it’s what topic that comes out of a mans mouth that will upset his partner but more how and when he brings it up.
Timing is important. If I’ve just asked if you feel I’m still attractive and your response is “Hell ya, your so hot any man or woman would want you. You know hunny we should start swinging.” Perhaps you’ve overlooked that I’m not feeling overly confident at the moment and you expressing a desire to be with someone else may not be what I’m hoping to hear. Personally, I’ve found times I’m relaxed and mellow are good. Bringing things up during sex, depending on the sex, are good too. You know your partners best so think of the best times to bring it up for them.
How do you eat an elephant? ... One bite at a time. I think of this when I think of someone taking steps and guiding me into something vs someone pulling Or pushing me forcefully into something. Whatever your desire, think of how long you have thought about it and all the different ways and variations you thought about in that time. Try to remember if there were ever any aspects of it that made you feel uncomfortable or scared by your own desires. Someone may feel totally comfortable with their desires given all the years they’ve thought about it but suddenly dropping those same thoughts onto a partner might be like pushing them off a cliff into the ocean unexpectedly for the partner. If you really want to make some things happen, sometimes you have to go back to the start and realize it’s new to them and may take them time to get comfortable with. Don’t throw them into the deep end of the pool and be surprised when they aren’t happy with it.
The right tool for the right job. Sometimes our desires have no interest for our partner. Sometimes our partner is not the right person for our desire. Some people preach you should be totally open and honest with your partner, I’m not one of those people. They say you should either not fulfill your desire or have your partner involved or have their permission. I’ve seen some people frustrated by their unfulfilled desires. I’ve seen some end up divorced when it was discovered their desires were met elsewhere. I’ve seen swinging couples involved in things where they were participating but obviously not enjoying themselves. Every choice has its consequences but what is acceptable to you is for you to decide. My thought is simply be honest with yourself and whichever decision you make. If you really want to experience something, is who you are with the right fit for it?
A direct line is the shortest route but not always the easiest. I’ve been active a long time and tried most things I’m aware of. A lot of those things I have been asked and said no to at some point in my life. Many of those things, if you’d told me years ago I’d do them I’d think you were insane. Some of those things I didn’t even know existed years ago.
How many times did I say no to anal? No idea, many many many. Why did I eventually take the plunge? Timing was part of it but his size and shape was too. I was with a guy and he actually hadn’t asked but for some reason I just saw he was long but quite thin and just had the urge to try it. So I asked him if he would like to, after all those others I’d said no to for years. The experience wasn’t what I’d call wow but wasn’t unpleasant either. If not for him, who knows if I’d ever have let a cock in my ass. That first step made me willing to say yes to some after.
Most of my life, I’d had zero interest in letting anyone take a nude pic of me. My thought was if we are in a relationship and you want to see me, here I am, no need for a pic. My thoughts were always the only reason for a pic is to show someone who I didn’t want to see me. I reached a point though where I let men take close up pics; my ass, breasts, pussy. Just body parts. Although most of my life my thought was leave no photo proof, I hit a point where I realized, what’s the harm, no one can recognize me from them. Eventually that lead to pics where my head was out of the frame. That in turn led to others where I was facing away or had my head hidden by something. Eventually, I let pics be taken of all of me. The thing is that journey took years for me.
With some things it was about being asked by someone who made me feel comfortable with the idea. Bondage is a good example. There are men I’ve been with who I wouldn’t let bind a finger on me. There have been others though where I was completely immobilized.
Only you know the details of your own situation so you are in the best position to determine how/when/if you pursue your desires. My hope is that others simply stop fooling themselves as to why things aren’t happening.
Now it may seem overly simple, I believe that if you have an unfulfilled sexual need/want/desire the “trick” to turning that fantasy into reality is ... asking for it. Now this is where people start to tell themselves all the reasons why they can’t ask and I’ll ask you to put those on pause for the moment. The point I want to make is that if your goal is to make something actually happen with your friend/lover/partner/one night stand/etc is you have to at least be willing and able to say it out loud. If it scares you so much that you can’t even discuss it then admit to yourself the last thing you should be doing is trying to jump into whatever it is. Ok, now onto the objections ...
”If I tell her I want to do this, she will think I’m a perv/freak/sicko/etc.” Now this is something I’m surprised to hear from so many men. Perhaps it my age showing but almost every woman I know is not surprised by anything a man thinks or says, when it comes to sex. Sure, we may hope you don’t think about this or that but would we be truly surprised if we were to find anything in your browser history or if you were to talk about an interest. Speaking for myself, I assume every sexually thought has passed through every mans head at some point in his life. Perhaps outdated thinking but well, my opinion. I don’t think it’s what topic that comes out of a mans mouth that will upset his partner but more how and when he brings it up.
Timing is important. If I’ve just asked if you feel I’m still attractive and your response is “Hell ya, your so hot any man or woman would want you. You know hunny we should start swinging.” Perhaps you’ve overlooked that I’m not feeling overly confident at the moment and you expressing a desire to be with someone else may not be what I’m hoping to hear. Personally, I’ve found times I’m relaxed and mellow are good. Bringing things up during sex, depending on the sex, are good too. You know your partners best so think of the best times to bring it up for them.
How do you eat an elephant? ... One bite at a time. I think of this when I think of someone taking steps and guiding me into something vs someone pulling Or pushing me forcefully into something. Whatever your desire, think of how long you have thought about it and all the different ways and variations you thought about in that time. Try to remember if there were ever any aspects of it that made you feel uncomfortable or scared by your own desires. Someone may feel totally comfortable with their desires given all the years they’ve thought about it but suddenly dropping those same thoughts onto a partner might be like pushing them off a cliff into the ocean unexpectedly for the partner. If you really want to make some things happen, sometimes you have to go back to the start and realize it’s new to them and may take them time to get comfortable with. Don’t throw them into the deep end of the pool and be surprised when they aren’t happy with it.
The right tool for the right job. Sometimes our desires have no interest for our partner. Sometimes our partner is not the right person for our desire. Some people preach you should be totally open and honest with your partner, I’m not one of those people. They say you should either not fulfill your desire or have your partner involved or have their permission. I’ve seen some people frustrated by their unfulfilled desires. I’ve seen some end up divorced when it was discovered their desires were met elsewhere. I’ve seen swinging couples involved in things where they were participating but obviously not enjoying themselves. Every choice has its consequences but what is acceptable to you is for you to decide. My thought is simply be honest with yourself and whichever decision you make. If you really want to experience something, is who you are with the right fit for it?
A direct line is the shortest route but not always the easiest. I’ve been active a long time and tried most things I’m aware of. A lot of those things I have been asked and said no to at some point in my life. Many of those things, if you’d told me years ago I’d do them I’d think you were insane. Some of those things I didn’t even know existed years ago.
How many times did I say no to anal? No idea, many many many. Why did I eventually take the plunge? Timing was part of it but his size and shape was too. I was with a guy and he actually hadn’t asked but for some reason I just saw he was long but quite thin and just had the urge to try it. So I asked him if he would like to, after all those others I’d said no to for years. The experience wasn’t what I’d call wow but wasn’t unpleasant either. If not for him, who knows if I’d ever have let a cock in my ass. That first step made me willing to say yes to some after.
Most of my life, I’d had zero interest in letting anyone take a nude pic of me. My thought was if we are in a relationship and you want to see me, here I am, no need for a pic. My thoughts were always the only reason for a pic is to show someone who I didn’t want to see me. I reached a point though where I let men take close up pics; my ass, breasts, pussy. Just body parts. Although most of my life my thought was leave no photo proof, I hit a point where I realized, what’s the harm, no one can recognize me from them. Eventually that lead to pics where my head was out of the frame. That in turn led to others where I was facing away or had my head hidden by something. Eventually, I let pics be taken of all of me. The thing is that journey took years for me.
With some things it was about being asked by someone who made me feel comfortable with the idea. Bondage is a good example. There are men I’ve been with who I wouldn’t let bind a finger on me. There have been others though where I was completely immobilized.
Only you know the details of your own situation so you are in the best position to determine how/when/if you pursue your desires. My hope is that others simply stop fooling themselves as to why things aren’t happening.
5 years ago
