Me and the american dream

I hoped to avoid this but I don't have one of my medicines. That was unavoidable after I missed about a month of work due to burning myself. I haven't been able to respond to requests, pm's, comments or any messages from other sites. I crashed before I could respond to any of the conversations/fights regarding net neutrality. It's not normal for me to start a discussion and drop it without thanking anyone who chose to voice their opinion. I thank people I do not agree with. Keeping a blog has taught me that you can't change someone's beliefs based on facts. I would've liked a chance to debate politics by simply sharing my life and what I've learned.
My life isn't sunshine and puppies. My life isn't razor blades and tears. I can honestly say I have to go through life juggling issues out of my control. Everyone can tell their variation of that story. Maybe that's your answer to the question 'What is so great about America?' I don't think I've met one single person who hasn't had to struggle with problems that couldn't be fixed with ease. I will always be a democrat. However, in this moment, I'm grateful that the American Dream is often a nightmare because our government is not stepping in to help people who have nothing. I wonder what my life could've been like if I lived in a country with decent affordable healthcare. I have been falling through the cracks because of the cost of medicine so goddamn long it scares me. I can cope. What about the millions and millions of people living n this country that can't? We fight. We don't give up. My life has been meeting mothers with no place to live and no goddamn food. Sadly, those women and I are the american dream. We make it day by day. And for some reason, those of us that thrive have this naive notion that one day our dreams will come true.

I may have found a way to beat poverty. I've got an offer from another vendor. I've got to love the man because he might be handing me a life raft. My life has been a series of motherfuckers paying me an hourly wage knowing damn well my work ethic revolves around completing my work five times better than a normal person at five times the speed considered normal. I'm not saying I'm special. I'm saying I'm bipolar. My brain is wired to out-perform anyone if at all possible. It's a genetic correction for the fact that so often I have no ability to function. I don't do things if I can't do them well. I don't do things slowly to make more money because I get paid by the hour.

Fuck every man, whose put me to work as a maid for ten dollars an hour. They all knew I could complete the job in an hour. I've cleaned too many goddamn houses for ten dollars. This offer from a friend to split profits based on what we sell is my american dream. I may have finally met a man, who knows that what I bring to the table has value beyond a set wage. He's smart. I've been trying to find a man to take on the duties of basically being my manager. I can run an online empire. I can build it. I need someone to remind me why I bother. I needed a man to remind me there is light at the end of the tunnel. I needed a man to tell me it's okay to earn money online by any means necessary. I just wanted one man to realize what I can do. It's still up in the air if this friend will be that man.

I've told him about halinaplays. He has to see it himself. I get a fucking rush at the idea he is holding something of value in his hand and he's yet to do his research. I can make him a whole lot of money through our actual business liquidizing merchandise at shows and events. I want him to realize I can make him a whole lot of money by other means. I chose poverty. I did that to make it quite clear that I'm just a chick who loves to give pleasure. I did start this site with intentions of flipping a profit. I always warned friends I play the long game. Competition among women is too severe to jump in with no support and knowledge. I've put in five years of networking to be at this point.

I have to ask men who come and go from my life 'What would you do if you could have all the money you ever wanted or needed at the cost of losing your reputation and your friends?' There is no right or wrong answer. If you love me you tell me my reputation and my friends have more value than gold. If you love me you give me the freedom of knowing I don't need my reputation or friends who don't support me earning a living. Friends who are smart enough to understand that ten dollars an hour isn't going to help me in anyway. It's a question with no answer. That makes it a question with one response...'I'll help you do it and we'll make it a good thing and not something you'll regret.' Have I met a man who can realize that on his own? Your guess is as good as mine.

I did post a new video. I don't know when it will pass moderation. Dear God, I can't watch the damn thing. It was the last thing I did with medicine. It probably is the definition of the search words that brought up any video I make 'nervous, shy, chubby, pussy/' lol. I don't know why I'm shy on film. I have no clue what I should do when I hit record. I instantly become a moron when a video starts. At some point any effort to move shows the fact I can not walk in most heels. I nearly busted my ass in this one minute twenty four second clip. In case your curious, I've got obnoxiously small feet. I've lost a whole lot of weight. My feet have even gotten smaller. The last pair of shoes I bought were used nike sneakers. They are a size four and a half. Finding heels that are not too big is damn near impossible. You should try walking in heels that are about three sizes too big without face planting into the ground.

I took a gallery of photos and recorded a video my last day of medicine specifically for one xhamster friend. (To all other friends) Please do not be upset if you think I'm not appreciative of your kindness or gifts. I truly value words of encouragement more than money. However, with no fucking healthcare, I swallowed my pride and said I'd accept help knowing I couldn't work because I hurt myself.. One man realized that actually meant I needed help. The amount he sent is irrelevant. The fact he took the time and he did it with such kindness was priceless. He had no expectations of me. I juggle work and my health and my mother, I can't pull off special favors with ease. But, this two minute video of me as a nervous blonde bimbo in lingerie is the least I can do for a man who made me feel like sometimes someone you don't know very well is by your side in a tangible way. My medicine is goddamn expensive. That is not the responsibility of anyone. I just wanted my friend to know that his help is earmarked towards my medicine. And I can never repay his kindness.

I will repeat myself that asking for help made me understand why girls go pro. After five years of content, you should have something to show for it. Sad but True. I've yet to meet a man willing to do something for me for five years without payment. If I hadn't hurt myself, I would've stayed an amateur another five years, producing videos that showed more and more while staying free of charge. Videos that other men or women would post for a fee or catfishing schemes on many sites. At some point, halinaplays can't be that shy girl with no hesitation about providing pleasure for some kind of compensation. I am that american girl who gives away the shirt on my back. The ironic thing about porn is that I'm taking off the shirt on my back. Giving it away, as I became more confident, was genuinely accidental participation of a sexual revolution revolving around amateur porn content online. It is no joke that I did it for art I came here as an artist with a good portfolio of actual artwork to display and share.

I actually managed to spend time here because I learned how to sell the shirt I was wearing and not my body. Never underestimate the potential of a woman who hasn't been handed the world on a silver platter. The american dream is a woman realizing she can pawn that goddamn platter because food tastes as good on plastic as it did on silver. If our government made things easy then how would we have learned that priceless lesson? We would expect things that aren't guaranteed. If you have no expectations you can't be disappointed.

I am out like trout after I post this. More than anything, i want to do pics and chat on christmas. The internet could change quickly. I just want to write. I have written these blogs on xhamster to make up for the fact I can't message friends. A real girl on a porn site might have to write a letter meant for many friends before it is possible to come close to responding to a pm. The male to female ratio on a porn site isn't even funny.. There isn't anything I'd rather do than talk to people all over the world about life, the universe and everything. I am changing my routine when I get medicine. I'm starting the next chapter. It won't be written here. It will be what you would expect on a porn site.

When people from your real life find your blog on a porn site, the blog stops being real. I have to blog about love and sex. That brought me here. I hate that I haven't started the new blog that was a gift beyond anything I ever receive, including medicine. I'm mad at myself for writing this. I meant for this to be one paragraph basically saying 'sorry bitches, I can't play. No medicine equals no fun. BTW, starting new job. and I might get into porn.' Sometimes a paragraph becomes a book. That's the reason for a blog. You've been reading an update on my status and not a real blog for so long. I apologize. As soon as I can write about my latest adventure in a blog where the people I discuss can't read it, I promise to make it good. I promise to make it fucking fantastic. Halinaplays is a girl who can not avoid situations that are fundamentally twisted and devoted to that feeling right before you cum.