Me and my thoughts

I suppose the question is how do you feel about transsexuals?

All my life part of me has wanted to be a girl (yes I know), I used to wear my mum’s lingerie – well more specifically anything satin or silk – when I was a teenager, and it made me feel happy, calm and hell even confident, but I was scared, I’ve always been scared about this, I know I’m not gay as guys do absolutely nothing for me - well black cock seems interesting, but I am sick of trying to put it away as a “faze”, I like how wearing a satin chemise to bed makes me feel – I feel like myself – and I shouldn’t be ashamed of that like I am at the moment.

I spend a lot of time thinking what other people would think if I said anything, after all I’m not the most girly looking guy, probably the least looking heh, I mean my shoulders are huge! I would love to be able to have a pair of tits, plus, the amount of times I look at a dress or clothes and think wow I wish I could wear that is a hell of a lot (I even have a folder on my laptop of clothes I'd like to wear, and I got to say I actually have a sense of style), but that’s what scares me most, I could deal with loosing everyone else, but I couldn’t lose my mum, b*o and best friend that would suck epically.

I would still be into girls, so I guess I’d be a lesbian? ugh I don’t know what I am, I have tested things out with guys (not like that), just joined TS dating sites as a TS to see what people think, and everyone seems to love my ass heh, I got to admit it’s quite flattering at times.

Age is an issue too – yes I know I'm only 33 – but most people go through this at an early age, I was too embarrassed and frankly a little repressed back then, now? Now I'm much more happier with myself now and what I like.

Now I know a lot of people will say “it’s just because your lonely”, “it is a faze” or “don’t be silly you don’t know what you’re talking about” – but I know how wearing it makes me feel, and that’s a lot, I'm scared I’ll be letting everyone down, well my mum down saying she wants grandk**s, which I would love to have k**s, hell I'd love a family but I don’t want to be unhappy too!

Right I won’t do anything till after May – which is after I finish university – so that gives me six months or so to figure out if I really want this, I don’t have to change my first name as its already a girl’s name, and I'm changing my last name to something because of different reasons entirely.
I think, no I know this is a big step towards being happier, I don’t fit in, sex is a bit boring – (or at least what I have done has been with girls) – I would love to be able to wear high heels, a dress, a nightgown, hell I wouldn’t mind a wedding dress (but I'm not sure how that would work tbh).

I got an offer to help, but they are in America, they want me to come over for a week to see what it’s like and I got to say I'm tempted, but it’s hard to trust anyone. Maybe I would be better doing it by myself? I'd rather not owe someone for it, but it is somewhere where not many people know me so I wouldn’t be so scared (or at least could try not to be), the only down side is that they talked about renting me out, which I'm not sure I'm happy about, embarrassingly it does turn me on, but is that what I really want? What about my career? My life? I don’t want to hand it over to someone.

And how do I tell my mum? “hi mum part of me always wanted to be a girl, what’s your thoughts on that?” or “mum I think I want to be a girl but I think I'm too old” ugh that’s a hard bit.