Newsbiscuit

From the Newsbiscuit site

Following the initial success of its mission to photograph a comet from close quarters with the Rosetta rocket, the European Space Agency (ESA) has revealed ambitious plans to celebrate with a dazzling display of performance art. Initially it is planned that Rosetta will land a small probe capable of sketching a cartoon cock on the surface ‘as a statement as to the impermanence of life, art and snowballs in hell.’

Having copped a quick feel of the amusingly-shaped comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko and tested which way the cosmic wind is blowing, Rosetta is now poised to unleash a cluster of mini-bots. The radio-controlled diggers, sc****rs and fluffers will land on the surface of the comet and sculpt it to reveal its inner cock and balls.

ESA engineers from across Europe are said to be ‘cock-a-hoop’ at the success of the mission so far, with ample opportunity trot out their ‘wurst’ knob gags over the ‘coming’ weeks in order to torment their competitors in other countries. They have already dismissed Chinese claims that ‘sending Jade Rabbit to the moon’ was actually a cleverly disguised innuendo and said that they are not concerned by a planned Hollywood movie in which Bruce Willis will be wrestling with a ‘giant icy space knob’, rumoured to be played by Dolph Lundgren.

British scientist Dr Brendan Pith enthused: ‘This will be the first three-dimensional art installation of a complete knob in space, before Richard Branson gets there. But remember … hang on, I think this one will work … in space, no-one can hear you cream.’

For years to come, the ESA believes, amateur astronomers and other virgins will be gazing upon 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko in eager anticipation of the spray of ejecta when it finally approaches the sun. Pith added, ‘Naturally we will be putting out an alternate story for young c***dren that the sculpture is of a baby ninja turtle, until they are old enough to know that it was in fact modelled on Max Clifford’s penis, Justin.’