Quotes 101
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.“ – Betty White
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ― Billy Connolly
"Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." - Bill Murray
"What are condoms"??? - Herschel Walker
"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." – Conan O’Brien
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" - Bob Newhart
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.“ – Kurt Vonnegut
"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ― Mindy Kaling
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." – Steve Martin
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." – Mitch Hedberg
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.“ — Gilbert Gottfried
"I Drank What ?" - Socrates
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads." — Andy Borowitz
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason
"I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour." - Maria Bamford
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” — Mark Russell
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town." – George Carlin
"I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it." - Adam Sandler
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” — Mel Brooks
“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.“ – Ron White
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.“ – Sid Caesar
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
"I told him comedy—real comedy—wasn’t only tellin’ jokes. It was about telling the truth..." - Richard Pryor
"People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car." - Doug Benson
“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.“ – Redd Foxx
"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." - Jonathan Winters
"I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity." - Jon Stewart
“When I was a k** my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...“ – Emo Philips
"If you think you have it tough, read history books." ― Bill Maher
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." - Dave Attell
“Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers." - Matt Groening
"If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract." - Jon Stewart
“Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.“ – Whitney Cummings
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’" – Steven Wright
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.“ – Thomas Sowell
"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs." - David Letterman
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
"Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes." ― Bob Thaves
"The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked." — Andy Borowitz
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." — Craig Ferguson
"If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton." - Jimmy Carr
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly." — Peter Cook
"At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other." ― Ann Landers
“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.” — Bill Hicks
"If time travel were possible, we would have been overrun by tourists from the future by now" -- Stephen Hawking
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ― Billy Connolly
"Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." - Bill Murray
"What are condoms"??? - Herschel Walker
"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." – Conan O’Brien
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" - Bob Newhart
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.“ – Kurt Vonnegut
"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ― Mindy Kaling
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." – Steve Martin
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." – Mitch Hedberg
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.“ — Gilbert Gottfried
"I Drank What ?" - Socrates
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads." — Andy Borowitz
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason
"I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour." - Maria Bamford
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” — Mark Russell
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town." – George Carlin
"I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it." - Adam Sandler
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” — Mel Brooks
“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.“ – Ron White
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.“ – Sid Caesar
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
"I told him comedy—real comedy—wasn’t only tellin’ jokes. It was about telling the truth..." - Richard Pryor
"People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car." - Doug Benson
“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.“ – Redd Foxx
"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." - Jonathan Winters
"I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity." - Jon Stewart
“When I was a k** my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...“ – Emo Philips
"If you think you have it tough, read history books." ― Bill Maher
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." - Dave Attell
“Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers." - Matt Groening
"If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract." - Jon Stewart
“Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.“ – Whitney Cummings
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’" – Steven Wright
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.“ – Thomas Sowell
"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs." - David Letterman
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
"Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes." ― Bob Thaves
"The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked." — Andy Borowitz
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." — Craig Ferguson
"If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton." - Jimmy Carr
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly." — Peter Cook
"At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other." ― Ann Landers
“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.” — Bill Hicks
"If time travel were possible, we would have been overrun by tourists from the future by now" -- Stephen Hawking
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