Relentless
As he stood in the doorway, Neil contemplated, with fixed awe, the words that had just been shouted at him from across the room.
"Oh, please," he stammered, almost unsure of himself. "I'm not that guy! I'm not. I'm not the guy that girls fall for. You're wrong, and you know it!"
"Then why am I so fucking in love with you," Maria returned.
"You think you're in love with me! Nobody's ever loved me! Nobody! I'm not... that guy!"
"Whatever," Maria retorted in pain. "You are that guy! You are to me, and you are to other women. Believe me, I've seen it! The way they look at you when you walk by, the way they talk about you. You think that just because you've been hurt, and you're afraid to give anything a try, and because you "think" you're ugly, nobody could want you... when the truth is that your pain doesn't give you the excuse to cause others to go through the same thing and that you're not even remotely ugly! Do you have any idea what women really think of you or how incredibly sweet, funny, smart, and unbelievably incredible you are, at least when you're not such a colossal asshole?"
"Why are you doing this to me? Seriously," Neil asked, with a sigh of disbelief.
"Doing what to you... telling you how amazing you are and how fucking pathetic it is that you can't see the good in yourself?"
Neil began to feel flustered, but not with embarrassment, flustered with anger, looking at the woman that he had so strongly desired for months but had seemed to shun him. After breathing heavily through his nose, Neil finally replied, "Then why the fuck did you treat me like you did? Why did you ask me to help you move and help you with a project for your English class and even ask me over to your apartment to hang out and later ask me out on a date but then completely ignore me?"
"BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET NEAR YOU, I NEARLY CONVULSE! I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT MELTING! I THINK HOW LUCKY I AM THAT I MET SUCH A GREAT GUY, A GUY THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, MAKES ME LAUGH, MAKES ME EXCITED, YET WITHOUT EVEN TRYING OR MEANING TO, MAKES ME FEEL LESS ME. I'M SO CONFUSED EVERY TIME I'M AROUND YOU! YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART THAT I CAN'T STAND IT. YOU'RE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT I'M NOT! I CAN'T HELP BUT WANT YOU SO BAD IT HURTS, ALL THE WHILE, FEELING INCREDIBLY STUPID!" Maria now began to exhibit the same level of anger as Neil, sighing, breathing through her nose, even pursing her face as if she were ready to attack.
All Neil could find the strength to do was shake his head slowly back and forth. He tried to find words, but none came. He felt barely able to process all of the new information. For so long, it seemed, he had wondered what he did wrong that made this woman treat him with contempt. Deep down, he had suspected some of these things that Maria now told him. It was all so much to take in, as if an entirely new world had been opened up to him, a world that he feared more than welcomed.
Neil knew before he spoke that what he was about to say was not the best that he could conceive, but it was all that he had. "Hey. I didn't ask for any of this. I helped you out to be nice. When you said 'thanks, handsome,' after I looked up that info for you for your project, I thought, 'bullshit!' When you kept leading me on, I wrote you off, just... like you... wrote me off!"
"First of all, I meant it when I called you handsome. Second, don't think for one fucking second that I meant to do any of that to you! I was so confused and at the same time reeling because it hadn't been long since my husband of almost a decade had left for a new job in another state and ended our marriage. Then, in a blink, this amazing guy comes into my life, and I'm like 'Whoa! What do I do?' It was so overwhelming that I almost shut completely down."
This all seemed to be way too much to take. Neill could not process this information, as if it created some kind of block for every emotion he really wanted to display.
"And just what the fuck do you want me to do about it," he asked incredulously.
"I don't know... maybe give it all a chance, just try it."
"Yeah, sure," was all Neil could find to say. "and you prove that you want me with every one of your stupid little mind games you play."
Angry, upset, downtrodden, Maria jumped from her seat, and storming out, let out a deep sigh of disgust, followed by a simple, "Whatever!"
Neill didn't know whether to be proud of himself for making Maria storm out or to follow after her and apologize. He really was the nice guy that Maria said he was, causing him inner turmoil and torment. If he followed her, what could possibly be the result, he wondered, more heartache and pain as Maria shunned him once more? Could there really be any kind of involvement or future between the two of them? Neill felt so helpless, like he would collapse and fall to the floor. It was a daze that he did not welcome at all.
Neill didn't know what he would do next. He tried encouraging himself to go after Maria, to realize just how beautiful and wonderful she was. He knew that he was definitely very attracted to her and that he had so much fun when he was actually with her, though that was a rare occasion. He didn't want to leave things like this, with Maria mad at him, with him mad at her, with any confusion or misunderstanding to lie between them and keep them from possibly having something amazing.
Neill wanted so badly to chase after this woman, this amazing woman, but his legs would carry him but little. They felt wobbly, weak, nearly to the verge of collapsing beneath Neill's weight. Neill stumbled slowly toward the door, but by the time that he got to it and could peer outside, Maria was nowhere to be seen. Neill looked to and fro, all around, even up and down, for some reason, as if Maria might be in the sky. After everything that had happened, that didn't even seem like much of an impossibility.
Neill reluctantly trudged his way to his car, got in, and left. He didn't know if he would see Maria for a while after that, or, for that matter, ever again. He had apparently pissed her off to no end. He had wanted a chance with Maria since the moment that he met her. There was just something about her. Every moment that he spent with her only exasperated him by exacerbating the situation, proving to Neill that Maria was just his kind of woman. They liked the same movies, many of the same t.v. shows, much of the same music, both loved history, both had been through horrible marriages, etc. It seemed to Neill that the whole "soul mates" thing might actually be real.
It wasn't like Neill could chase after Maria, though. Where could she have gone? How would he find her? He thought about calling her, but it didn't seem that she wanted to speak to him anymore. Beside himself, Neill drove around and around and around, zigzagging through town, driving down all of the main streets, heading out into the country, circling the same three mile stretch again and again, and finally, headed back home.
A part of Neill hoped that when he got home, there would be Maria, sitting on his steps, waiting for him, ready to make up and give things a real try. "Who knows," Neill thought, "maybe things will be so great that she'll throw herself at me. Maybe I'll even get some." This last part made Neill kind of shudder. It wasn't that he didn't find Maria attractive or want a physical relationship with her. In fact, it was completely the opposite. Neill found so often that he thought about Maria, fantasized about her, longed to touch her entire body. This was one of the main reasons that he couldn't stand to be around her for very long.
Neill shuddered because he didn't want to be "that guy," the pervert that had to make sexual comments, innuendos, or even thoughts about someone all of the time. There would be time for all of that if the two of them could give a relationship a chance. But... for now, Neill would wait. He would be good. He would hold back. He would try to acquaint himself fully with Maria's mind before exploring her body, her very beautiful body.
Days passed with no word from Maria, leaving Neill to wonder if he had blown every chance with her that he might have had. She was strangely, Neill thought, everything that he had always wanted, maybe everything that he had never really known that he had wanted. Perhaps, there would still be some small shred of hope and dignity left.
Neill waited and waited for a call, a text, a message online, anything that would let him know that Maria still thought about him the way he hoped, that there still existed some small shred of a chance for the two of them. With continual disappointment stemming from no contact, Neill was going out of his mind. Finally, out of the blue, a week after their last seeing each other, Maria texted Neill and asked if he wanted to come over that night and "hang out" and have some wine. Neill happily agreed, maybe a little too happily. He wanted to look his best for Maria and hopefully, work on her some, enough to get him stuck in her mind the way that she was in his.
After a long and arduous workout, careful grooming and a lot of cologne, and picking out what Neill thought was the perfect wine for his meager budget, he went back home and sat around waiting for the hour of truth. He was supposed to go to Maria's at nine-thirty, after her son was put to bed, but Maria was supposed to text him again to confirm. Eight rolled around, and Neillfelt his anxiety and anticipation grow so immensely that he almost felt sick. He tried to busy himself with anything to take his mind off of things, watching t.v., playing on the computer, listening to music, but nothing worked. All he could think of was Maria and how beautiful and fun she was, and, of course, how desperately he wanted her, but when nine came around with no word, Neill grew impatient. He knew that it might still be a while, but he couldn't stand it any longer. At nine-fifteen, he got worried. He started to watch the clock nervously. Nine-twenty, no word. Nine-twenty-five, no word. Neill wondered if he would ever hear from Maria at all, even to apologize. He knew that she must be, once again, blowing him off.
When ten o'clock rolled around, Neill decided "to hell with it. The bitch is not gonna get ahold of me, so fuck her!" He uncorked the bottle of wine and took a sip, then another, then another, and eventually, started guzzling the wine. Before he knew it, in less than an hour, the entire bottle was gone, and he was feeling pretty tipsy. He was glad that he was sitting down. He didn't drink very often or very much when he did. To consume an entire bottle of anything in such a short period of time was an incredible feat.
Lost in chaos and inner, uttermost confusion, Neill felt abandoned, forlorn, forgotten, forsaken. Nothing could relieve his misery at that moment. Before he knew it and hardly realizing it, Neill began texting his cousin, telling her everything that had happened, or, rather, not happened, and how completely miserable and angry he was. His cousin, Lana, tried to comfort him and offer him consolation, even stating that, perhaps, Maria had gotten so busy that she forgot to message back or was afraid of what might happen with Neill, unsure of whether or not to allow anything to progress. None of this was what Neill wanted for someone to tell him.
He spent the rest of the night in a general haze, stupefied, feeling that he had allowed himself to be fooled and used. He had helped Maria so many times with various things, always there as her crying shoulder and her rock. Neill was so tired of it. He wanted to be the one that Maria turned to when she wanted something more. Surely, she would have to see the goodness in him and that he had so much more to offer her. She didn't see this at all, at least, so Neill thought.
The night was not a total loss. Neill found some fun things to do, the occasional interesting show to watch on the computer, good music to listen to, and some web surfing, but his thoughts always turned back to Maria. With almost no word in a week, and what little that there was seeming only to be to torment and confuse, to make light of Neill's feelings, Neill was bound to lose it. His mind felt like it was constantly racing with a thousand thoughts a minute. He was so confused, so hurt, so racked with tremendous anxiety that he hoped for even the slightest semblance of distraction. If only Maria would give it all a chance, everything would be better.
Neill now suggested to himself that he not even try anymore, that he ignore Maria if she ever spoke to him again, believing that anything that Maria would ever say would just be part of her overall system of lies. Neill wanted to just let it all go, to let Maria go. There would be no loss, as Neill and Maria had not even so much as gone on a date. The most time that the two had spent together was after Neill helped Maria move, the two of them watching t.v. together over a few glasses of wine, nothing more.
Everything, every thought, was such a strange and unwelcomed mix. Everything right now was about Maria, yet it all went from thoughts of how beautiful and fun she was to how uncaring and deceitful she was and back. Neill hated to think anything of the woman at all. As the night wore on more and more, Neill began to almost hate himself, too, not that he actually hated Maria. What was he to do, though, he wondered. How could he fix any of it? Obviously, either Maria had some sort of feelings for him, or the entirety of their knowing one another had been one big, cosmic joke.
Eventually, Neill wore himself down and trod off to bed, reluctantly but knowing that the next day would surely have to be a little bit better. Neill tossed and turned for a long time, well over an hour, thinking of everything that had happened and still not quite sober yet. He wondered if Maria would ever see him in a truly favorable light and give him the attention he so desired and deserved. He knew that the answer was a stern no, no matter how badly he wanted it.
As sleep finally came to Neill, he drifted away still thinking of Maria. He still hoped that, perhaps, she would stop all of this nonsense and either admit to Neill that it was all a game, that she had been using him, or that she really did want him and that she was sorry for everything that had happened, or, rather, not happened. When Neill awoke the next morning, it all seemed better, at least, temporarily. He hardly thought of Maria, but, as the day carried on, his thoughts of the woman increased until he felt like screaming. This was not what he wanted. He knew that something must be done and soon, but now, Neill and Maria rarely ran into one another, the fall semester having come to a close. Neill was no longer the tutor for the undergrads and would serve no official university capacity. Neill would have to rely solely upon Maria's desire to see him and speak to him, whatever that was.
It was strange to Neill, but Maria never called, never texted, never contacted him online, except for the occasional comment on a post or a shared picture. She acted as though she wanted nothing much to do with Neill, as if they were mere acquaintances. How could she have said the things that she said and not meant them, Neill wondered. He could not figure out what must be going on in Maria's mind. It was obvious that she was going through a tough time, her husband, the father of her son, having left for a job in another state, not to mention the stress of school, but now, there was a long break between semesters. Maria had mentioned something about going to visit family for Christmas and possibly, going to see her husband, for her son's sake. It was probably all too much for her, Neill thought, but still, she was playing games. She may not have intended to, but she was still doing just that.
Neill was in utter chaos, turmoil, confusion, even complete misery. He had not wanted anyone so badly as he wanted Maria since his ex-wife left him for his best friend. He had not allowed anyone into his life in that way, but somehow, Maria worked her way in abruptly, and Neill would not have minded it at all had it not been for Maria's blatant disregard. Neill finally shrugged off all of this trouble and focused his energies on enjoying himself, spending time with friends and family. He had weeks until his second semester of graduate school would begin, and that time would hopefully allow for some real fun to be had.
Neill almost forgot about Maria, shoving all thoughts of her way into the back of his mind, at least, until his dreaded birthday came near. It was the big 3-0, and Neill hated birthdays. He did not want it to happen. He did not want to join the 30 club or to have attention drawn to him. Really, what bothered him was not just the unwanted attention from those close to him but the fact that most people would not even so much as just say, "Happy Birthday." People who claimed to be friends and lifelong acquaintances would ignore the day both online and in person, people that expected Neill's congratulations and gifts when their respective days reared.
As midnight came around, signaling the start of the day Neill hated most and the one year anniversary of his divorce, suddenly, an alert popped up saying that Maria had commented on Neill's profile. She wished him a very happy birthday and stated that the two of them should get together soon. Neill had no idea what to think. He had not heard from Maria at all in weeks, and now, she wanted to hang out. Neill knew that he could not be around Maria without losing his mind. He still wanted her very much, whether or not she had filed for divorce from her husband.
Neill obliged the message with a casual, "Thank you. Yes, we should," and left it at that, thinking that nothing would ever happen; however, he felt all of his feelings rush back, all of the worry, all of the doubt, all of the confusion, all of the chaos. A part of Neill hoped that nothing would happen, that nothing would come of Maria's so-called plans. Neill did not need the stress of it, did not need the mind games. He wanted to write Maria off for good, but his heart and mind would not allow him to do so. The two had no official connection anymore, Neill serving no academic need for Maria, unless it was to help her with another class project. Neill could not bring himself to erase Maria and her comments from his online profile, but he wanted to. In agony, Neill toyed with the idea, hovering over Maria's picture over and over, contemplating the consequences, the pros and cons of keeping her or deleting her.
Once Neill got his birthday over with, his family having come and gone from his house, he felt a deep relief yet a need to get drunk, or, at least, a serious buzz. After two beers, sitting all alone, Neill felt deeply depressed, almost ready to call or text Maria and see what she was up to, but everything within him, every bit of reason, told him that that was a horrible idea. It could not possibly end well.
Neill waited up until midnight, expecting no one to stop by and no calls or texts, just the passing of the dreaded day. After that, he would go to bed and start another day, ready to hopefully, get some work done on an upcoming paper for one of his new classes. Then, he could celebrate the weekend with friends, just hang out, chill, let loose, probably not drink, but at least, let off some steam by being around people that he was sure actually gave a damn about him.
Neill expected no word from Maria. Though the weekend would seem the normal time for two people to go out or do whatever it was that Maria wanted to do with Neill, there surely would be no form of contact. Maria was not serious, Neill knew, and there was no point in hoping otherwise. The weekend passed with no word, much as usual, and much to Neill's satisfaction in knowing that he had been right. There was very little disappointment involved. Neill would not allow himself to feel that feeling, though he knew that it was there, somewhere, deep down. It didn't matter at all, though. Few women ever showed interest in Neill, and he had no expectations, hopes, or dreams of that changing.
Day after day came and went, weeks passing, almost a month really. Finally, out of the blue, there was a text from Maria, "Hey, stranger. Let's go out to a bar soon. I have a babysitter lined up for my son." Neill answered and said that that sounded alright, but he still held no hopes of it.
Toward the end of the week, Maria texted again, saying that she was serious about her offer and that the two of them should go out very soon, that she would let him know when. Another text message later, the time was set. Maria was to text when the babysitter had arrived and everything was ok for her to leave. A part of Neill pulled toward desiring this to actually happen for once, but most of him knew better. Maria never meant anything she said to him. He put no stock whatsoever in the message, but when the appointed time came around, and there was no message from Maria, Neill found himself actually disappointed. He hated it. He felt like screaming, like calling Maria and yelling at her. How dare she do this again?! How dare she put Neill through this confusion and agony?!
Irate, Neill slammed his phone down on the desk after checking for messages and got up, pacing back and forth throughout the house, lighting cigarette after cigarette. No one deserved this, especially not him. He rarely let himself feel anything whatsoever for a woman, but this woman had charmed her way in, worn Neill's defenses down. It wasn't fair!
Nothing could repair the damage that was now done. Neill had finally had enough. It would not matter if Maria came begging, pleading for another chance. Neill would have none of it. After another month of only the occasional online comment and nothing more, Neill lost it, thinking that nothing would ever come of the stupid charade. Neill decided that, once and for all, he would separate himself from Maria. He removed her from his friends' list and thought that maybe, just maybe, he could actually begin to move on and possibly even find someone else one day. Of course, he had now been completely alone for nearly two years. He was so lonely that he couldn't take any more of the torment. He had even had a shot with a strikingly gorgeous undergrad, though much younger than he. He blew that, much like he always did, not knowing what to say or how to react.
Two months after removing Maria from his friends' list, Neill began talking to another woman, someone much younger, someone that sparked no interest in Neill's mind or heart, but the woman persisted and reminded Neill of how truly alone he felt. He agreed that he would meet the woman, Alissa, and just see what happened. Of course, her name was very similar to that of Neill's ex-wife, and that made Neill very leery and not want to have much at all to do with the woman.
Neill saw an opportunity, however, an opportunity to likely have someone to sleep with. After two years of no sexual contact, he was ready to give himself to anyone. After two days of working on the new woman, flirting with her, putting moves on her, Neill had her in bed. She wasn't that attractive, fun, interesting, or really much of anything, but Neill didn't care. Much to his surprise and general dismay, however, immediately after having sex, Alissa asked if the two of them could try dating. Neill did not want that, especially with someone he had no interest in whatsoever and was not attracted to.
Alissa promised Neill, "I won't act like your ex-wife. I promise! I'm much better than that!" That was an immediate red flag to Neill, as if the woman were purposely pointing out that she was not the things that she probably was. Neill knew that, for a woman, to say such a thing, she either believed her own lies or was trying to create a facade that she was not like that when she obviously was. But, after nearly ten minutes of hearing this, Neill gave in.
"Fine. Whatever. I guess we can try," Neill replied, very reluctantly, very scared, very much not wanting any part of it.
With no warning, no expectations, no hope, no desire really, Neill was now jumping from being single for two years straight past the dating phase and into a relationship. It was weird. It was too fast. Neill hoped that it would pass as quickly as it came. He saw no promise with Alissa and wanted it to remain that way.
Within a week of meeting Alissa, her sister asked if she, her husband, and Alissa could all move into Neill's house because they could not afford theirs any longer. Without any answer from Neill, Alissa's sister assumed that it was a yes and made preparations for moving in. Neill was shocked, flabbergasted, overtaken, and completely unsure of what to do. He couldn't just let these strangers move into his house, but now, there was nothing to say. The would-be friends would end up borrowing many hundreds of dollars from Neill during their short stay, eventually, months later, culminating in nearly two thousand dollars of unpaid debt that Neill would never be able to claim, but that was another matter entirely.
Neill's only consolation was that Alissa's sister and brother-in-law would only live there for two weeks before getting their own place. It didn't seem to make any sense whatsoever, but it sure made Neill happy, relieved, the weight of the world taken off of his shoulders, or at least, a great deal of that weight. He still had Alissa in his house, though. He didn't know what to do. Right at the time that her sister and brother-in-law moved out of Neill's house, Alissa started saying those three words that Neill dreaded, "I love you!" Neill knew that she didn't mean it, that she was fooling herself, and even after explaining to her that that was too much of a rush and that maybe, on some slight level, there was the beginning of some kind of feeling that could turn into love one day, he was now in a situation he did not want to be in, forced to exchange those three words on a continual basis.
Luckily for Neill, only week after getting rid of the two houseguests, he and Alissa began fighting like cats and dogs. It was glorious, he thought, if only it could lead to a breakup and kicking the woman out of his house!
The big fight, the near end all, came when Alissa stayed in bed until well into the afternoon, her phone ringing off of the hook. Neill didn't care that she was sleeping so much. She already did no housework at all and was getting on his last nerve. He preferred her staying asleep, but that damn phone would not leave him alone! Finally, grabbing the phone only to silence it, not caring if there were anything on it that would incriminate Alissa, Neill had the silence he so desired. Alissa would sleep a while longer; the phone would finally shut up; Neill could just relax at the computer and ignore everything else.
Unfortunately, Alissa finally awoke. She took one look at her phone, saw what Neill had done, and started screaming, "Don't you ever touch my fucking phone!" Neill knew that there had to be a reason for this. Alissa must not have wanted to get caught for something, something that she had promised at the beginning that she would never do. Neill still didn't care, but he wasn't about to have a fight about something so stupid.
No matter how many times he explained that he looked at nothing on the phone but merely silenced it, Alissa would not stop yelling the same thing over and over, building intense anger within Neill that he could no longer control. Slamming his fist into the furnace door only set Alissa off more. The fight was dropped eventually, after Neill screamed that he was done, but he was so mad now that all he could think of was how to get rid of the annoying bitch.
That night, sitting at Alissa's mom's house, Neill was confronted, in front of many people, by a male friend of Alissa's, a friend that Neill was almost certain Alissa was sleeping with. Neill already did not like the guy and felt like punching him. Danny, the other "man," promptly informed Neill that if he ever heard of Neill scaring Alissa again by doing something like punching a door, Neill would have both Danny and his brother to deal with, and they would make sure that Neill could never do something like that again. Neill was not afraid of Danny in the least. Danny was five foot nothing and a hundred and nothing pounds and all talk. Neill, however, was nearly six feet tall, built like a freight train, and knew quite well how to fight from many years of being physically abused and having to learn how to stand up for himself. However, Neill could not start a fight with Danny, particularly in front of many witnesses. A part of him did not want to end the relationship with Alissa, knowing that that would mean being alone, and a fight with Danny would guarantee just such an end and just such loneliness.
On the other hand, all Neill could really think about was how much he still wanted to get rid of Alissa, even if it brought a reminder of how alone he truly felt and how every woman had ever treated him. For three days, Neill brewed and stewed over the words spoken by Danny and over Alissa's general behavior of late. Then, on Wednesday, those three long, arduous days after the fight about the cell phone, Alissa's brother acted incredibly insensitive, callous, and demanding, sparking Neill to pick a fight with Alissa. He did not intend to end the relationship this way, but much to his approbation, Alissa went back to her mom's instead of coming home. At nine p.m., she called Neill to ask, "Do you want me out?"
Neill, without missing a beat or thinking much about it, swiftly replied, "I think it would be best."
"Ok then," responded Alissa, sounding as though she might cry. "I'll be over in a minute to get my stuff."
When Alissa got her things, Neill said nothing to her but could not wait for her to leave. As soon as she was gone, he felt so relieved, so overwhelmingly joyous that he wished he could throw a party. A funny feeling came over him soon after, a feeling very familiar to him, one of general distrust and curiosity about what his now ex had been doing behind his back. Hacking into Alissa's online profile, Neill found message after message from other men, all of which were very sexually graphic. Neill had the proof that he needed to cement his beliefs that Alissa had been cheating on him, just like every other woman that he had ever been with, not that he cared so much, as he had no feelings at all for Alissa. It did mean, however, that once again, Neill had been duped, used, lied to, treated like a doormat. Unable to cope with this realization that he had been played the fool again, Neill broke down in tears. He finally had Alissa out of his life, at least, he hoped, but he still had this unending pain.
Now, Neill hoped, he could focus on finishing his summer classes for grad school and not on a woman. Within a week of kicking Alissa out of his house, however, Neill made contact with Alissa's sister and brother-in-law, not on purpose, thinking that they probably hated him, but because Alissa's sister came by to talk. Neill began hanging out with the couple on a regular basis and realized that, without Alissa around, he actually enjoyed the company of some of her family. No sooner than the summer classes were finished, the couple would ask if they could move in once again. Neill reluctantly allowed this and, of course, loaned them considerable amounts of money that he could not afford to spare. He still loved their company and tried to push away any feelings of disgust or loathing.
Unhappily for Neill, though, Alissa started to come around to "see her sister," though it was obvious that she had ulterior motives. She cried to Neill that she missed him terribly and was sorry for everything. Sitting outside on the porch, Alissa felt compelled to ask Neill, "Do you miss me at all?"
Neill, still feeling nothing, replied, "Honestly, no!"
This was an utter shock to Alissa. She hoped with all her heart that Neill would answer affirmatively, but Neill did not have it in him. He was sick of everything about Alissa, absolutely everything. After that, she didn't come around so much, and Neill once again, felt a small shred of happiness. He, however, had to have a talk with Alissa's sister about how much he did not care for Alissa, how he meant her no ill will but how he had never had feelings for her, never would, and really did not want her in his life.
Shortly thereafter, Neill went to the grocery store with Alissa's brother-in-law and their friend, Cowboy. Thinking that nothing out of the ordinary would happen from a simple grocery run, Neill was shocked to run into Maria in one of the store's aisles. Maria acted tremendously excited to see Neill for the first time in months. She called out to him from across the aisle, beckoning him to come talk to her.
"Hey," Maria shouted as Neill neared her.
"Hey."
"How have you been," Maria asked, with the biggest smile on her face that Neill had ever seen.
"Ok," Neill began. "Been busy with grad school, ya know."
"Yeah. I bet. You don't seem very happy to see me."
"Well," Neill continued, "You kinda blew me off over and over."
"I know," Maria replied, hanging her head a little. "I didn't mean to. I was just busy a lot."
"Yeah, well... that shit was mean. I didn't deserve that. You really fucked with my head. I really liked you, you know."
Neill didn't even wait for a response. He had said his piece to Maria, let her have it finally. Walking away back to his friends, Neill did not even bother to turn around and see Maria's reaction. He didn't care at all what it might be.
Soon, Neill's friends would move out and get their own place all over again, once more leaving Neill alone in his house. Amazingly, in no time at all, Neill would meet the woman that he would come to think of as the love of his life; however, the relationship would last less than a year and though hot and steamy, would also be incredibly trying, incredibly tumultuous, and incredibly heartbreaking in the end.
When it was over, Neill would never hear from or see the woman, Kate, again, or Maria for that matter. He would think very often of Kate for quite some time and even occasionally of Maria, wondering what might have been with either of them but knowing that it was never in the cards for him to have either one. He would try to move on, make some semblance of peace for himself, try to forget what Kate or Maria had once meant to him. It would be difficult, but Neill's determination was as relentless as the depressing whims and treatments of the women in his life.
"Oh, please," he stammered, almost unsure of himself. "I'm not that guy! I'm not. I'm not the guy that girls fall for. You're wrong, and you know it!"
"Then why am I so fucking in love with you," Maria returned.
"You think you're in love with me! Nobody's ever loved me! Nobody! I'm not... that guy!"
"Whatever," Maria retorted in pain. "You are that guy! You are to me, and you are to other women. Believe me, I've seen it! The way they look at you when you walk by, the way they talk about you. You think that just because you've been hurt, and you're afraid to give anything a try, and because you "think" you're ugly, nobody could want you... when the truth is that your pain doesn't give you the excuse to cause others to go through the same thing and that you're not even remotely ugly! Do you have any idea what women really think of you or how incredibly sweet, funny, smart, and unbelievably incredible you are, at least when you're not such a colossal asshole?"
"Why are you doing this to me? Seriously," Neil asked, with a sigh of disbelief.
"Doing what to you... telling you how amazing you are and how fucking pathetic it is that you can't see the good in yourself?"
Neil began to feel flustered, but not with embarrassment, flustered with anger, looking at the woman that he had so strongly desired for months but had seemed to shun him. After breathing heavily through his nose, Neil finally replied, "Then why the fuck did you treat me like you did? Why did you ask me to help you move and help you with a project for your English class and even ask me over to your apartment to hang out and later ask me out on a date but then completely ignore me?"
"BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET NEAR YOU, I NEARLY CONVULSE! I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT MELTING! I THINK HOW LUCKY I AM THAT I MET SUCH A GREAT GUY, A GUY THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, MAKES ME LAUGH, MAKES ME EXCITED, YET WITHOUT EVEN TRYING OR MEANING TO, MAKES ME FEEL LESS ME. I'M SO CONFUSED EVERY TIME I'M AROUND YOU! YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART THAT I CAN'T STAND IT. YOU'RE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT I'M NOT! I CAN'T HELP BUT WANT YOU SO BAD IT HURTS, ALL THE WHILE, FEELING INCREDIBLY STUPID!" Maria now began to exhibit the same level of anger as Neil, sighing, breathing through her nose, even pursing her face as if she were ready to attack.
All Neil could find the strength to do was shake his head slowly back and forth. He tried to find words, but none came. He felt barely able to process all of the new information. For so long, it seemed, he had wondered what he did wrong that made this woman treat him with contempt. Deep down, he had suspected some of these things that Maria now told him. It was all so much to take in, as if an entirely new world had been opened up to him, a world that he feared more than welcomed.
Neil knew before he spoke that what he was about to say was not the best that he could conceive, but it was all that he had. "Hey. I didn't ask for any of this. I helped you out to be nice. When you said 'thanks, handsome,' after I looked up that info for you for your project, I thought, 'bullshit!' When you kept leading me on, I wrote you off, just... like you... wrote me off!"
"First of all, I meant it when I called you handsome. Second, don't think for one fucking second that I meant to do any of that to you! I was so confused and at the same time reeling because it hadn't been long since my husband of almost a decade had left for a new job in another state and ended our marriage. Then, in a blink, this amazing guy comes into my life, and I'm like 'Whoa! What do I do?' It was so overwhelming that I almost shut completely down."
This all seemed to be way too much to take. Neill could not process this information, as if it created some kind of block for every emotion he really wanted to display.
"And just what the fuck do you want me to do about it," he asked incredulously.
"I don't know... maybe give it all a chance, just try it."
"Yeah, sure," was all Neil could find to say. "and you prove that you want me with every one of your stupid little mind games you play."
Angry, upset, downtrodden, Maria jumped from her seat, and storming out, let out a deep sigh of disgust, followed by a simple, "Whatever!"
Neill didn't know whether to be proud of himself for making Maria storm out or to follow after her and apologize. He really was the nice guy that Maria said he was, causing him inner turmoil and torment. If he followed her, what could possibly be the result, he wondered, more heartache and pain as Maria shunned him once more? Could there really be any kind of involvement or future between the two of them? Neill felt so helpless, like he would collapse and fall to the floor. It was a daze that he did not welcome at all.
Neill didn't know what he would do next. He tried encouraging himself to go after Maria, to realize just how beautiful and wonderful she was. He knew that he was definitely very attracted to her and that he had so much fun when he was actually with her, though that was a rare occasion. He didn't want to leave things like this, with Maria mad at him, with him mad at her, with any confusion or misunderstanding to lie between them and keep them from possibly having something amazing.
Neill wanted so badly to chase after this woman, this amazing woman, but his legs would carry him but little. They felt wobbly, weak, nearly to the verge of collapsing beneath Neill's weight. Neill stumbled slowly toward the door, but by the time that he got to it and could peer outside, Maria was nowhere to be seen. Neill looked to and fro, all around, even up and down, for some reason, as if Maria might be in the sky. After everything that had happened, that didn't even seem like much of an impossibility.
Neill reluctantly trudged his way to his car, got in, and left. He didn't know if he would see Maria for a while after that, or, for that matter, ever again. He had apparently pissed her off to no end. He had wanted a chance with Maria since the moment that he met her. There was just something about her. Every moment that he spent with her only exasperated him by exacerbating the situation, proving to Neill that Maria was just his kind of woman. They liked the same movies, many of the same t.v. shows, much of the same music, both loved history, both had been through horrible marriages, etc. It seemed to Neill that the whole "soul mates" thing might actually be real.
It wasn't like Neill could chase after Maria, though. Where could she have gone? How would he find her? He thought about calling her, but it didn't seem that she wanted to speak to him anymore. Beside himself, Neill drove around and around and around, zigzagging through town, driving down all of the main streets, heading out into the country, circling the same three mile stretch again and again, and finally, headed back home.
A part of Neill hoped that when he got home, there would be Maria, sitting on his steps, waiting for him, ready to make up and give things a real try. "Who knows," Neill thought, "maybe things will be so great that she'll throw herself at me. Maybe I'll even get some." This last part made Neill kind of shudder. It wasn't that he didn't find Maria attractive or want a physical relationship with her. In fact, it was completely the opposite. Neill found so often that he thought about Maria, fantasized about her, longed to touch her entire body. This was one of the main reasons that he couldn't stand to be around her for very long.
Neill shuddered because he didn't want to be "that guy," the pervert that had to make sexual comments, innuendos, or even thoughts about someone all of the time. There would be time for all of that if the two of them could give a relationship a chance. But... for now, Neill would wait. He would be good. He would hold back. He would try to acquaint himself fully with Maria's mind before exploring her body, her very beautiful body.
Days passed with no word from Maria, leaving Neill to wonder if he had blown every chance with her that he might have had. She was strangely, Neill thought, everything that he had always wanted, maybe everything that he had never really known that he had wanted. Perhaps, there would still be some small shred of hope and dignity left.
Neill waited and waited for a call, a text, a message online, anything that would let him know that Maria still thought about him the way he hoped, that there still existed some small shred of a chance for the two of them. With continual disappointment stemming from no contact, Neill was going out of his mind. Finally, out of the blue, a week after their last seeing each other, Maria texted Neill and asked if he wanted to come over that night and "hang out" and have some wine. Neill happily agreed, maybe a little too happily. He wanted to look his best for Maria and hopefully, work on her some, enough to get him stuck in her mind the way that she was in his.
After a long and arduous workout, careful grooming and a lot of cologne, and picking out what Neill thought was the perfect wine for his meager budget, he went back home and sat around waiting for the hour of truth. He was supposed to go to Maria's at nine-thirty, after her son was put to bed, but Maria was supposed to text him again to confirm. Eight rolled around, and Neillfelt his anxiety and anticipation grow so immensely that he almost felt sick. He tried to busy himself with anything to take his mind off of things, watching t.v., playing on the computer, listening to music, but nothing worked. All he could think of was Maria and how beautiful and fun she was, and, of course, how desperately he wanted her, but when nine came around with no word, Neill grew impatient. He knew that it might still be a while, but he couldn't stand it any longer. At nine-fifteen, he got worried. He started to watch the clock nervously. Nine-twenty, no word. Nine-twenty-five, no word. Neill wondered if he would ever hear from Maria at all, even to apologize. He knew that she must be, once again, blowing him off.
When ten o'clock rolled around, Neill decided "to hell with it. The bitch is not gonna get ahold of me, so fuck her!" He uncorked the bottle of wine and took a sip, then another, then another, and eventually, started guzzling the wine. Before he knew it, in less than an hour, the entire bottle was gone, and he was feeling pretty tipsy. He was glad that he was sitting down. He didn't drink very often or very much when he did. To consume an entire bottle of anything in such a short period of time was an incredible feat.
Lost in chaos and inner, uttermost confusion, Neill felt abandoned, forlorn, forgotten, forsaken. Nothing could relieve his misery at that moment. Before he knew it and hardly realizing it, Neill began texting his cousin, telling her everything that had happened, or, rather, not happened, and how completely miserable and angry he was. His cousin, Lana, tried to comfort him and offer him consolation, even stating that, perhaps, Maria had gotten so busy that she forgot to message back or was afraid of what might happen with Neill, unsure of whether or not to allow anything to progress. None of this was what Neill wanted for someone to tell him.
He spent the rest of the night in a general haze, stupefied, feeling that he had allowed himself to be fooled and used. He had helped Maria so many times with various things, always there as her crying shoulder and her rock. Neill was so tired of it. He wanted to be the one that Maria turned to when she wanted something more. Surely, she would have to see the goodness in him and that he had so much more to offer her. She didn't see this at all, at least, so Neill thought.
The night was not a total loss. Neill found some fun things to do, the occasional interesting show to watch on the computer, good music to listen to, and some web surfing, but his thoughts always turned back to Maria. With almost no word in a week, and what little that there was seeming only to be to torment and confuse, to make light of Neill's feelings, Neill was bound to lose it. His mind felt like it was constantly racing with a thousand thoughts a minute. He was so confused, so hurt, so racked with tremendous anxiety that he hoped for even the slightest semblance of distraction. If only Maria would give it all a chance, everything would be better.
Neill now suggested to himself that he not even try anymore, that he ignore Maria if she ever spoke to him again, believing that anything that Maria would ever say would just be part of her overall system of lies. Neill wanted to just let it all go, to let Maria go. There would be no loss, as Neill and Maria had not even so much as gone on a date. The most time that the two had spent together was after Neill helped Maria move, the two of them watching t.v. together over a few glasses of wine, nothing more.
Everything, every thought, was such a strange and unwelcomed mix. Everything right now was about Maria, yet it all went from thoughts of how beautiful and fun she was to how uncaring and deceitful she was and back. Neill hated to think anything of the woman at all. As the night wore on more and more, Neill began to almost hate himself, too, not that he actually hated Maria. What was he to do, though, he wondered. How could he fix any of it? Obviously, either Maria had some sort of feelings for him, or the entirety of their knowing one another had been one big, cosmic joke.
Eventually, Neill wore himself down and trod off to bed, reluctantly but knowing that the next day would surely have to be a little bit better. Neill tossed and turned for a long time, well over an hour, thinking of everything that had happened and still not quite sober yet. He wondered if Maria would ever see him in a truly favorable light and give him the attention he so desired and deserved. He knew that the answer was a stern no, no matter how badly he wanted it.
As sleep finally came to Neill, he drifted away still thinking of Maria. He still hoped that, perhaps, she would stop all of this nonsense and either admit to Neill that it was all a game, that she had been using him, or that she really did want him and that she was sorry for everything that had happened, or, rather, not happened. When Neill awoke the next morning, it all seemed better, at least, temporarily. He hardly thought of Maria, but, as the day carried on, his thoughts of the woman increased until he felt like screaming. This was not what he wanted. He knew that something must be done and soon, but now, Neill and Maria rarely ran into one another, the fall semester having come to a close. Neill was no longer the tutor for the undergrads and would serve no official university capacity. Neill would have to rely solely upon Maria's desire to see him and speak to him, whatever that was.
It was strange to Neill, but Maria never called, never texted, never contacted him online, except for the occasional comment on a post or a shared picture. She acted as though she wanted nothing much to do with Neill, as if they were mere acquaintances. How could she have said the things that she said and not meant them, Neill wondered. He could not figure out what must be going on in Maria's mind. It was obvious that she was going through a tough time, her husband, the father of her son, having left for a job in another state, not to mention the stress of school, but now, there was a long break between semesters. Maria had mentioned something about going to visit family for Christmas and possibly, going to see her husband, for her son's sake. It was probably all too much for her, Neill thought, but still, she was playing games. She may not have intended to, but she was still doing just that.
Neill was in utter chaos, turmoil, confusion, even complete misery. He had not wanted anyone so badly as he wanted Maria since his ex-wife left him for his best friend. He had not allowed anyone into his life in that way, but somehow, Maria worked her way in abruptly, and Neill would not have minded it at all had it not been for Maria's blatant disregard. Neill finally shrugged off all of this trouble and focused his energies on enjoying himself, spending time with friends and family. He had weeks until his second semester of graduate school would begin, and that time would hopefully allow for some real fun to be had.
Neill almost forgot about Maria, shoving all thoughts of her way into the back of his mind, at least, until his dreaded birthday came near. It was the big 3-0, and Neill hated birthdays. He did not want it to happen. He did not want to join the 30 club or to have attention drawn to him. Really, what bothered him was not just the unwanted attention from those close to him but the fact that most people would not even so much as just say, "Happy Birthday." People who claimed to be friends and lifelong acquaintances would ignore the day both online and in person, people that expected Neill's congratulations and gifts when their respective days reared.
As midnight came around, signaling the start of the day Neill hated most and the one year anniversary of his divorce, suddenly, an alert popped up saying that Maria had commented on Neill's profile. She wished him a very happy birthday and stated that the two of them should get together soon. Neill had no idea what to think. He had not heard from Maria at all in weeks, and now, she wanted to hang out. Neill knew that he could not be around Maria without losing his mind. He still wanted her very much, whether or not she had filed for divorce from her husband.
Neill obliged the message with a casual, "Thank you. Yes, we should," and left it at that, thinking that nothing would ever happen; however, he felt all of his feelings rush back, all of the worry, all of the doubt, all of the confusion, all of the chaos. A part of Neill hoped that nothing would happen, that nothing would come of Maria's so-called plans. Neill did not need the stress of it, did not need the mind games. He wanted to write Maria off for good, but his heart and mind would not allow him to do so. The two had no official connection anymore, Neill serving no academic need for Maria, unless it was to help her with another class project. Neill could not bring himself to erase Maria and her comments from his online profile, but he wanted to. In agony, Neill toyed with the idea, hovering over Maria's picture over and over, contemplating the consequences, the pros and cons of keeping her or deleting her.
Once Neill got his birthday over with, his family having come and gone from his house, he felt a deep relief yet a need to get drunk, or, at least, a serious buzz. After two beers, sitting all alone, Neill felt deeply depressed, almost ready to call or text Maria and see what she was up to, but everything within him, every bit of reason, told him that that was a horrible idea. It could not possibly end well.
Neill waited up until midnight, expecting no one to stop by and no calls or texts, just the passing of the dreaded day. After that, he would go to bed and start another day, ready to hopefully, get some work done on an upcoming paper for one of his new classes. Then, he could celebrate the weekend with friends, just hang out, chill, let loose, probably not drink, but at least, let off some steam by being around people that he was sure actually gave a damn about him.
Neill expected no word from Maria. Though the weekend would seem the normal time for two people to go out or do whatever it was that Maria wanted to do with Neill, there surely would be no form of contact. Maria was not serious, Neill knew, and there was no point in hoping otherwise. The weekend passed with no word, much as usual, and much to Neill's satisfaction in knowing that he had been right. There was very little disappointment involved. Neill would not allow himself to feel that feeling, though he knew that it was there, somewhere, deep down. It didn't matter at all, though. Few women ever showed interest in Neill, and he had no expectations, hopes, or dreams of that changing.
Day after day came and went, weeks passing, almost a month really. Finally, out of the blue, there was a text from Maria, "Hey, stranger. Let's go out to a bar soon. I have a babysitter lined up for my son." Neill answered and said that that sounded alright, but he still held no hopes of it.
Toward the end of the week, Maria texted again, saying that she was serious about her offer and that the two of them should go out very soon, that she would let him know when. Another text message later, the time was set. Maria was to text when the babysitter had arrived and everything was ok for her to leave. A part of Neill pulled toward desiring this to actually happen for once, but most of him knew better. Maria never meant anything she said to him. He put no stock whatsoever in the message, but when the appointed time came around, and there was no message from Maria, Neill found himself actually disappointed. He hated it. He felt like screaming, like calling Maria and yelling at her. How dare she do this again?! How dare she put Neill through this confusion and agony?!
Irate, Neill slammed his phone down on the desk after checking for messages and got up, pacing back and forth throughout the house, lighting cigarette after cigarette. No one deserved this, especially not him. He rarely let himself feel anything whatsoever for a woman, but this woman had charmed her way in, worn Neill's defenses down. It wasn't fair!
Nothing could repair the damage that was now done. Neill had finally had enough. It would not matter if Maria came begging, pleading for another chance. Neill would have none of it. After another month of only the occasional online comment and nothing more, Neill lost it, thinking that nothing would ever come of the stupid charade. Neill decided that, once and for all, he would separate himself from Maria. He removed her from his friends' list and thought that maybe, just maybe, he could actually begin to move on and possibly even find someone else one day. Of course, he had now been completely alone for nearly two years. He was so lonely that he couldn't take any more of the torment. He had even had a shot with a strikingly gorgeous undergrad, though much younger than he. He blew that, much like he always did, not knowing what to say or how to react.
Two months after removing Maria from his friends' list, Neill began talking to another woman, someone much younger, someone that sparked no interest in Neill's mind or heart, but the woman persisted and reminded Neill of how truly alone he felt. He agreed that he would meet the woman, Alissa, and just see what happened. Of course, her name was very similar to that of Neill's ex-wife, and that made Neill very leery and not want to have much at all to do with the woman.
Neill saw an opportunity, however, an opportunity to likely have someone to sleep with. After two years of no sexual contact, he was ready to give himself to anyone. After two days of working on the new woman, flirting with her, putting moves on her, Neill had her in bed. She wasn't that attractive, fun, interesting, or really much of anything, but Neill didn't care. Much to his surprise and general dismay, however, immediately after having sex, Alissa asked if the two of them could try dating. Neill did not want that, especially with someone he had no interest in whatsoever and was not attracted to.
Alissa promised Neill, "I won't act like your ex-wife. I promise! I'm much better than that!" That was an immediate red flag to Neill, as if the woman were purposely pointing out that she was not the things that she probably was. Neill knew that, for a woman, to say such a thing, she either believed her own lies or was trying to create a facade that she was not like that when she obviously was. But, after nearly ten minutes of hearing this, Neill gave in.
"Fine. Whatever. I guess we can try," Neill replied, very reluctantly, very scared, very much not wanting any part of it.
With no warning, no expectations, no hope, no desire really, Neill was now jumping from being single for two years straight past the dating phase and into a relationship. It was weird. It was too fast. Neill hoped that it would pass as quickly as it came. He saw no promise with Alissa and wanted it to remain that way.
Within a week of meeting Alissa, her sister asked if she, her husband, and Alissa could all move into Neill's house because they could not afford theirs any longer. Without any answer from Neill, Alissa's sister assumed that it was a yes and made preparations for moving in. Neill was shocked, flabbergasted, overtaken, and completely unsure of what to do. He couldn't just let these strangers move into his house, but now, there was nothing to say. The would-be friends would end up borrowing many hundreds of dollars from Neill during their short stay, eventually, months later, culminating in nearly two thousand dollars of unpaid debt that Neill would never be able to claim, but that was another matter entirely.
Neill's only consolation was that Alissa's sister and brother-in-law would only live there for two weeks before getting their own place. It didn't seem to make any sense whatsoever, but it sure made Neill happy, relieved, the weight of the world taken off of his shoulders, or at least, a great deal of that weight. He still had Alissa in his house, though. He didn't know what to do. Right at the time that her sister and brother-in-law moved out of Neill's house, Alissa started saying those three words that Neill dreaded, "I love you!" Neill knew that she didn't mean it, that she was fooling herself, and even after explaining to her that that was too much of a rush and that maybe, on some slight level, there was the beginning of some kind of feeling that could turn into love one day, he was now in a situation he did not want to be in, forced to exchange those three words on a continual basis.
Luckily for Neill, only week after getting rid of the two houseguests, he and Alissa began fighting like cats and dogs. It was glorious, he thought, if only it could lead to a breakup and kicking the woman out of his house!
The big fight, the near end all, came when Alissa stayed in bed until well into the afternoon, her phone ringing off of the hook. Neill didn't care that she was sleeping so much. She already did no housework at all and was getting on his last nerve. He preferred her staying asleep, but that damn phone would not leave him alone! Finally, grabbing the phone only to silence it, not caring if there were anything on it that would incriminate Alissa, Neill had the silence he so desired. Alissa would sleep a while longer; the phone would finally shut up; Neill could just relax at the computer and ignore everything else.
Unfortunately, Alissa finally awoke. She took one look at her phone, saw what Neill had done, and started screaming, "Don't you ever touch my fucking phone!" Neill knew that there had to be a reason for this. Alissa must not have wanted to get caught for something, something that she had promised at the beginning that she would never do. Neill still didn't care, but he wasn't about to have a fight about something so stupid.
No matter how many times he explained that he looked at nothing on the phone but merely silenced it, Alissa would not stop yelling the same thing over and over, building intense anger within Neill that he could no longer control. Slamming his fist into the furnace door only set Alissa off more. The fight was dropped eventually, after Neill screamed that he was done, but he was so mad now that all he could think of was how to get rid of the annoying bitch.
That night, sitting at Alissa's mom's house, Neill was confronted, in front of many people, by a male friend of Alissa's, a friend that Neill was almost certain Alissa was sleeping with. Neill already did not like the guy and felt like punching him. Danny, the other "man," promptly informed Neill that if he ever heard of Neill scaring Alissa again by doing something like punching a door, Neill would have both Danny and his brother to deal with, and they would make sure that Neill could never do something like that again. Neill was not afraid of Danny in the least. Danny was five foot nothing and a hundred and nothing pounds and all talk. Neill, however, was nearly six feet tall, built like a freight train, and knew quite well how to fight from many years of being physically abused and having to learn how to stand up for himself. However, Neill could not start a fight with Danny, particularly in front of many witnesses. A part of him did not want to end the relationship with Alissa, knowing that that would mean being alone, and a fight with Danny would guarantee just such an end and just such loneliness.
On the other hand, all Neill could really think about was how much he still wanted to get rid of Alissa, even if it brought a reminder of how alone he truly felt and how every woman had ever treated him. For three days, Neill brewed and stewed over the words spoken by Danny and over Alissa's general behavior of late. Then, on Wednesday, those three long, arduous days after the fight about the cell phone, Alissa's brother acted incredibly insensitive, callous, and demanding, sparking Neill to pick a fight with Alissa. He did not intend to end the relationship this way, but much to his approbation, Alissa went back to her mom's instead of coming home. At nine p.m., she called Neill to ask, "Do you want me out?"
Neill, without missing a beat or thinking much about it, swiftly replied, "I think it would be best."
"Ok then," responded Alissa, sounding as though she might cry. "I'll be over in a minute to get my stuff."
When Alissa got her things, Neill said nothing to her but could not wait for her to leave. As soon as she was gone, he felt so relieved, so overwhelmingly joyous that he wished he could throw a party. A funny feeling came over him soon after, a feeling very familiar to him, one of general distrust and curiosity about what his now ex had been doing behind his back. Hacking into Alissa's online profile, Neill found message after message from other men, all of which were very sexually graphic. Neill had the proof that he needed to cement his beliefs that Alissa had been cheating on him, just like every other woman that he had ever been with, not that he cared so much, as he had no feelings at all for Alissa. It did mean, however, that once again, Neill had been duped, used, lied to, treated like a doormat. Unable to cope with this realization that he had been played the fool again, Neill broke down in tears. He finally had Alissa out of his life, at least, he hoped, but he still had this unending pain.
Now, Neill hoped, he could focus on finishing his summer classes for grad school and not on a woman. Within a week of kicking Alissa out of his house, however, Neill made contact with Alissa's sister and brother-in-law, not on purpose, thinking that they probably hated him, but because Alissa's sister came by to talk. Neill began hanging out with the couple on a regular basis and realized that, without Alissa around, he actually enjoyed the company of some of her family. No sooner than the summer classes were finished, the couple would ask if they could move in once again. Neill reluctantly allowed this and, of course, loaned them considerable amounts of money that he could not afford to spare. He still loved their company and tried to push away any feelings of disgust or loathing.
Unhappily for Neill, though, Alissa started to come around to "see her sister," though it was obvious that she had ulterior motives. She cried to Neill that she missed him terribly and was sorry for everything. Sitting outside on the porch, Alissa felt compelled to ask Neill, "Do you miss me at all?"
Neill, still feeling nothing, replied, "Honestly, no!"
This was an utter shock to Alissa. She hoped with all her heart that Neill would answer affirmatively, but Neill did not have it in him. He was sick of everything about Alissa, absolutely everything. After that, she didn't come around so much, and Neill once again, felt a small shred of happiness. He, however, had to have a talk with Alissa's sister about how much he did not care for Alissa, how he meant her no ill will but how he had never had feelings for her, never would, and really did not want her in his life.
Shortly thereafter, Neill went to the grocery store with Alissa's brother-in-law and their friend, Cowboy. Thinking that nothing out of the ordinary would happen from a simple grocery run, Neill was shocked to run into Maria in one of the store's aisles. Maria acted tremendously excited to see Neill for the first time in months. She called out to him from across the aisle, beckoning him to come talk to her.
"Hey," Maria shouted as Neill neared her.
"Hey."
"How have you been," Maria asked, with the biggest smile on her face that Neill had ever seen.
"Ok," Neill began. "Been busy with grad school, ya know."
"Yeah. I bet. You don't seem very happy to see me."
"Well," Neill continued, "You kinda blew me off over and over."
"I know," Maria replied, hanging her head a little. "I didn't mean to. I was just busy a lot."
"Yeah, well... that shit was mean. I didn't deserve that. You really fucked with my head. I really liked you, you know."
Neill didn't even wait for a response. He had said his piece to Maria, let her have it finally. Walking away back to his friends, Neill did not even bother to turn around and see Maria's reaction. He didn't care at all what it might be.
Soon, Neill's friends would move out and get their own place all over again, once more leaving Neill alone in his house. Amazingly, in no time at all, Neill would meet the woman that he would come to think of as the love of his life; however, the relationship would last less than a year and though hot and steamy, would also be incredibly trying, incredibly tumultuous, and incredibly heartbreaking in the end.
When it was over, Neill would never hear from or see the woman, Kate, again, or Maria for that matter. He would think very often of Kate for quite some time and even occasionally of Maria, wondering what might have been with either of them but knowing that it was never in the cards for him to have either one. He would try to move on, make some semblance of peace for himself, try to forget what Kate or Maria had once meant to him. It would be difficult, but Neill's determination was as relentless as the depressing whims and treatments of the women in his life.
4 years ago